Just a question...?

Question

I've been friends with my best friend for 17 years, and she is getting married on Saturday. She approached me to be in her wedding, which I said yes to. She said that when I got back from vacation, we would go pick out bridesmaid dresses. When I got back, I made several failed attempts to contact her, and because of it, she picked out the dresses, which were in the $200 range. She knows that I couldn't afford it, raising a child and going to school. I talked to her about it, and she just brushed me off like it was nothing, and made one of my friends a bridesmaid. I had asked her to be a witness at my wedding 4 years prior, and she never showed up. Then, to top it off, she came by my house tonight to rub it in my face about the dresses (she brought one over). What should I do? Should I go to the wedding, or should I talk to her about the very hurt feelings? I went to her bridal shower and bachelorette parties, and I felt so out of place it was embarrassing. What should I do?

To add to this, I had a son that had passed away 6 years ago, and she didn't show up to the funeral after she had promised to do so. I'm just so hurt by everything, that I really don't know what to do.

When I say failed attempts, it means I went to her house, called her cell, etc.

Answer 1

Personally, I'd rate this as one of those "toxic relationships" and move on. I realize you've been friends a long time, but it sounds like she's given you a lot of grief. When the bad times start outnumbering the good times, it's time to let go.

Tell her you have another committment, or whatever you think sounds legit, and don't be involved in her wedding (at least that's what I would do). Let yourself say no and move past the hurt she's caused you. You don't deserve it. If she's let you down so many times before, she'll do it again. Some people in this world are just takers, and she sounds like one of them.

There are lot of good people in the world too. I think you should focus on making friends with people that aren't going to suck you dry.

Hang in there.

Answer 2

As a current bride - I can tell you that even tho we do have a lot of stress - we do still have the capability of thinking. I am unclear if she replaced you as a bride with a friend of hers, or if she just added another girl? If she just added another bridesmaid - why does it bother you?

For my wedding I didn't pick out $200 dresses.. I wanted ones that were $130 and then found them for even less at $80.. but still one of my bridesmaids couldn't afford it. I didn't know that at the time I picked the dress out and when I gave the girls option to browse for dresses she never gave me a price limit and some of the dresses she was liking were in the 100 range. Since everyone else already got theirs. I didn't want to inconvenience them - I gave her a month to get her dress (before it gets discontinued) and she didn't. The best I could do is give her an easy way out. I could never uninvited her to be my bridesmaid. I was sad to see that she will not be standing by me. She most likely will not make it to the wedding either - she lives 2 states away and if she can't afford $80 for a dress then I doubt that she could afford coming here, getting a hotel room...

Weddings are expensive. I wish I could have fronted some money towards everyone's expenses, but I am on a tight budget myself. And bridesmaids have lots of responsibilities and costs - dress, shoes, hair, make up, showers, bachelorette party and then a gift! Its ok to tell your friend you just can't do it. BUT she needs to go out of her way to be understanding and make you feel ok. I am sorry to hear that you felt uncomfortable. I would definitely talk to her about that. Don't wait till like a week before the wedding.. but do share how you feel. If she hasn't realized that she is hurting you - she might be understanding now.. and if she isn't then you know you don't really have a friend there and its a good thing you didn't waste all that money on her in the first place.

Answer 3

okay i recently got married myself. I can honestly say brides can be very insensitive at times. the stress she is going through has probablly got her on an emotional rollercoaster. since she wants everything to be perfect she overlooks alot. please be patient with her...after all you have been friends for 17 years. now is probablly not a good time to communicate your feelings to her since she is incapable of thinking of any more than her wedding planning. if you really want to keep her friendship ...just bite your tongue and be there or come up with an excuse and give her a big hug and her gift...so as not to inconveniece yourself further with her stress.
I was also a single mom for 3 years so I know the financial aspect...she should have been more sensitive to your wallet. I told my bridesmaid to pick out her own dress...so if it was 40 dollars but she loved it...i would respect this. i hate to see people this affected by a wedding. i am sorry you must go through all this and the embarassment. i am sure she will have many people at her wedding...so if this is unhealthy for you and your family... i would be kind...come up with an excuse and not attend...then be there for her 1 month after the wedding when everyone else has calmed down. I wish you the best!

Answer 4

Is this the type of friendship that all your other friends are constantly asking why you're still friends with her? I had this friend and people always asked me about her. They would tell me how awful she was or how badly she treated me. But then, when we hung out we had a great time. We always had stuff to talk about. We were constantly laughing. So I always just shrugged off those comments. But then earlier this year she totally burned me - out of nowhere, and had the nerve to say that I was the bad friend.

I know that it's going to seem like I'm biased because of what happened to me but I think you should really be careful. In the most awful and the most wonderful times of your life, this person has not been there for you. You haven't said one nice thing about her, and you don't seem to like her very much. So what are you getting out of this friendship?

It seems like you should tell her everything you've written here. Tell her how one-sided your friendship seems, let her know all those things. If she responds by apologizing, maybe a second chance is in order. But be wary! If she responds in a hostile way, I hope you can take comfort in knowing that your relationship with her up until this point doesn't meet a certain standard of friendship that it should have.

I hope things work out for you in the end.

Answer 5

I think that your friend has put you in a very bad position. You sound like a very dedicated friend. If I was you I would talk to her about your hurt feelings. But make it known that this is NOT the first time she has done this to you and that you are angry about it. Back out of the wedding, make her realize that she is losing a friend because of her actions. My Best Friend did almost the same exact thing to me for her wedding. I was devastated and non-the-less pregnant. She walked all over me and to this day I regret allowing it to happen. You don't want to go on thinking about this and regretting it later on in your life.

Tell her straight out how you feel and how you feel about what she has done to you in the past. She is not a very good best friend and she needs to know that.

Good luck!

Answer 6

I say talk to her. If nothing comes out of that I would say stop trying because if she can't be there for you during your happy and sad times, how is she being a friend? This relationship is hurting you more than its helping you. That's what friends are suppose to do is help and be there. It doesn't sound like she has been for you especially in the years most recent. There are other friends out there. Good Luck!

Answer 7

I don't mean to sound blunt, but why are you friends, exactly? Which way does the friendship flow...are you always giving or do you get back something from this friendship.
She sounds selfish and petty.
If she is a true friend, then you should talk to her about your feelings and tell her what she has done to hurt you and try to find a solution.
However, from what you have told us, I can't help but think that the friendship sounds pretty one way to me.
RElationships aren't always equal in the giving department, but you need to know why your in the relationship and what you get out of it.
Good luck with this...

Answer 8

This is your best friend? I think you are confusing the words friend and acquaintence. A friend is someone who is there for you during the good times and the bad. An acquaintence is someone you know. I think it's pretty obvious that this person isn't a friend, she's just someone you know. How can you speak to someone who claims to be your friend but didn't attend your son's funeral? I wouldn't attend her wedding or ever speak to her again, but that's just me.

Answer 9

It sounds like this friend has never been as good a friend to you as you have been to her. She does not think of you the same way that you think of her. Friends are the people that you can count on when times get rough and you need someone to be there who will understand and offer comfort. It sounds to me that she has never really looked out for you but only looked out for herself. You need to get rid of her as a friend and surround yourself with the people that love you the most.

Answer 10

It sounds like she's just a negative in your life. It might just be worth forgetting about her. Old friends are hard to let go of, but no one should have to put up with that sort of thing. It sure doesn't sound like she's much of a friend anyway.