Is it OK to refer to an ex as a friend or is that lying/deceitful?

Question

My gf of 5 yrs has always referred to this guy as her friend when talking to me. She has gone and spent the whole day with him, which I didn't protest, even though I didn't like it. She has also let him spend the night at her place when she said he called and needed a place to crash after drinking too much. Thru recent conversation w/her I found out that this guy is actually her ex-boyfriend. Am I wrong to feel betrayed? She also lied and said she broke up with him, and the opposite is true, which makes me think that she may still have feelings for him. Cell phone records also show that she lied about him calling her that night, she actually called him after spending over an hour on the phone with me and saying she was tired and going to bed. She swears nothing physical, or anything inappropriate happened and that she didn't tell me bcuz I would get upset. What is the truth here??? One last thing, she also told me that he proposed to her that evening in his drunken stupor..?

Answer 1

You are totally justified in feeling betrayed and you need to trust your instincts on where to go from here.

If he were truly just a friend, she would not have lied to you about anything - she would have told you upfront because she has nothing to hide. It really is not appropriate for her to allowed him to spend the night because "he need a place to crash"...there are numerous better alternatives, say even, calling you saying her friend came over and is too drunk to drive and ask you to help get home to crash in his own bed (that is what I would have done).

Him proposing to her, drunken stupor or not, has put her in the position where she needs to make a decision whether she wants to be with him or you. She may cry "that is not fair", but it certainly is...his proposal indicates he is interested in a romantic relationship with her so he is the one that "forced" the hand so to say. If she does want you to be exclusive to her, you have every right to expect that she will be exclusive to you. If she does want to be with you, it is also not fair to keep hanging out with that other guy and getting his hopes up falsely...if she really cares about him she will make a clean break so he can move on with his life.

If she cannot, will not or makes it clear that she is going to resent you for it, then you both should be free to see other people. If we are in commited relationships, we should put those people first and be willing to make sacrifices.

I know after being with someone that long, it is a hard thing to do, but you have the right to be with someone whom you can trust and if she is not willing to make the effort, she is not worth it.

Answer 2

Either she is really hanging on to the friendship part of their previous relationship, or she is just confused and wanting too many things at once. They probably had a decent friendship within their relationship which is what has made it difficult for her to cut ties with him. However, letting this person sleep over at her house while in a relationship with you is not appropriate.

These ex-boyfriends can be toxic because they can serve as a safety net when things go wrong in your current relationship. This is why I have no CLOSE ties with any of my ex-boyfriends. I'm on good terms with some, but there are boundaries that come natural to us.

I cheated once and I ended the relationship because I knew it was the only route. He forgave me and we're friends now. The person I cheated on him with was a close friend whom I had dated in the past. He was going through a divorce. Boundaries were crossed during a time when we were both going through some tough **** I won't mention. Your girlfriend should be aware of these boundaries. Not only has she betrayed you by lying to you all this time, she has allowed herself to continue it for five years. This is serious. I don't usually get this personal, but you seem to be desperate for advice and I feel that. She needs to be confronted and the situation needs to be resolved with your lead. Some space may be needed in order for everyone to figure out what they need to do.

As for him proposing... I've had that. It doesn't really mean much when a person is in a drunken stupor. If she wants to gamble like that, let her lose all the chips.

Answer 3

Sorry buddy but your girl is a lier. The reason I say this is because I speak from experience. I used to tell my boyfriend, who is now my ex, that my ex before him was a friend. And truth be told he was more than a friend. I would come up with off the wall reasons why his number was on my cell and make up excuses to go see him. And because this guy broke up with your girl, you are right, there is a HUGE chance she still has feelings for this guy and that there relationship isn't just as friends. And because she told you they were friends and they turned out to be ex's that really poses a question of why LIE. So I think the answer to your question is clear, you were betrayed and I think in more ways than one.

Answer 4

No you are not wrong at all to feel betrayed. There is a lot of deceit going on on her part. As far as what the truth is...only she and that guy know. I think it to be highly inappropriate for her to spend a whole day with him and let him spend the night. Talking occasionally may be OK (with extreme moderation) but her lying about talking to him is not good at all. There should be no reason for her to lie about anything, especially after 5 years in the relationship. It's not wrong for her to call him a "friend," but it is wrong for her to be lying to you. All I can tell you is to talk to her and demand the truth b/c you deserve to know anything and everything. Then think long and hard about what she tells you, decide if you trust her, and make your decisions based on that. Without trust, you shouldn't be in the relationship. It'll drive you to madness.

Answer 5

Well first of all, it would be up to you to decide if she lied to you, because no one else on Answers would know her. But since she is talking to him and they are still hanging out, it is ultimately up to her what she does and she doesnt need your approval or condemnation. Just be there to support her in whatever she decides to do. You can't stop her from sleeping with him nor will you truly know if she is. I would also ask you if you trust her, trust is a funny thing ya know. I would hope that she waits until he is sober and asks her again to get married and see if he is truly in love with her. Being drunk is certainly not the time to propose.
Peace

Answer 6

Wow! Thats F'ed Up man. I wouldnt Ever do that ****....I Think She Still Feels For Him Why would She Still Wanna Be Ur Friend?

And Watchen See If You Leave Her She'll Goto Him...
Trust me.

Answer 7

Damn. Everything you just described sounds exactly like one of my ex-girlfriends. No, it's not right. Get rid of her. She's playing the friends card so that your OK with her seeing him. Yeah, she's probably still got something going on with him (or still wants or has feelings for him) if she has to try and hide it from you. Ohhhh the guilt!

Answer 8

oh good lord hunny drop her. she is lying outta her ***. tell her flat out to choose either you or him. if she protests it then break up with her cause she obviously wants him. Stand your ground! if she cant choose you over him then she isn't worth it anymore. you have every right to feel betrayed. its like "OK what else has she lied about"

Answer 9

ok....now listen if she lied then u just wasted 5 yrs with sum1 hu obviously doesnt care about u...maybe u were just wastin ur time..im sorry but shes got to go

Answer 10

if you've been with her for five years its doubtful that she'd be with another guy for five years while still longing for her ex. It is dumb of her to just not say its her ex to begin with.