Why my husband couldn't keep a promise?

Question

my daughter told me she was dating a 41 years old man. She wasn't ready to tell her father. I told him so that he wouldn't be shocked when she told him. I asked him not to say any thing. He promised me that he would wait until she tells him. I told him I would continue to talk to her to hlep her figure out if she wanted to be with this man. Oh she is 23. You guess it he asked her about it.
. My daughter and I were just beginning to rebuild our relationship. Now she want talk to me. Do you think i should have kept it to myself and let him find it out himself?

Answer 1

Your main question first: Your husband believed with all of his heart and mind that he could hold his promise. He didn't lie to you. He really believed what he said. Fortunately for your daughter and you, your husband loves her so much he couldn't let this slide. I bet it has been eating him up inside, like you wouldn't believe, ever since he found out. He couldn't help himself but to say something, because he feels the need to protect her, help her and set her on the right path. Don't get angry with him. He only did what he did out of care and love.

Not only should you not blame him, don't blame yourself either. Neither one of you did anything wrong! How would you feel if your husband kept secrets about your daughter from you? Wouldn't you be superfly upset with your husband if he didn't tell you something like that?

There are alot of issues going on here. I wish you the best. If what your daughter was doing was on the up and up, she wouldn't feel the need to hide it from her father. Rational people understand that mother/father, husband/wife share everything. It's not right for a mother/daughter relationship to be broken.

I am sure when she grows up and becomes mature, she will understand and forgive you. Obviously, she has some issues to work out or she wouldn't be in a relationship with a dude that is 20 years older than her. Also, it is obvious that she knows it is wrong. Otherwise, she wouldn't be so sensitive about it and wouldn't be hiding it from her father.

I wish you all the best. Don't allow your daughters bad decision to come between you and your husband.

Answer 2

I think deep down she wanted you to tell him. She could have been testing you on some level, but it was a difficult situation and she wanted to share the burden. Explain why you told him and that you wanted to help. Apologize if she's hurt or angry, but let her know that you had her best interests at heart. Good luck, I hope you two work out your problems.

Answer 3

i think that if your husband can not be trusted, you need to go to work on the rift and lack of trust/loyalty between you and your husband - that's where your problem is - not with the daughter, although i don't blame her for turning on you!
Fix the broken relationship with your husband and then maybe you daughter will have some respect for you both.

Answer 4

Yes but. . .she's 23. . .and an adult now. . .and free to date anyone she chooses. . .it's time to let her go. . .as hard as this is!

It's a secondary issue that you told her father (your husband). . .and that she felt you betrayed her trust.

But you are not a fellow adult friend. . .you are her mother. . .and you have every right to tell her father, your husband! For what would have happened if you had kept it to yourself. . .then "he" found out about it. . .but also learned that you had known about it all this time. . .but kept it from him. . .my sense is you have your priorities straight: to your marriage and to your being a parent. . .for aside from the phenomenon of "soul mates" what do a 23 and 41 year old have in common?

Keep right on doing what your instincts tell you to do. . .psychologically you know what she is doing now. . .she's using this convenient "issue" as a way to force something she desperately needs or wants right now: the parent's approval. . .but. . .now that she is a full fledged adult on her own. . .it's not something that should or could be given. . .as she is free to make her own choices and accept the advantages or disadvantages of them.

(Probably the best counsel you could give her right now. . .coming from one or both of you. . .the parents. . .is to encourage them both to seek counseling if the relationship gets serious enough. . .for their relationship is destined to have challenges due to their age differences. . .and I would fully expect neither you nor your husband wish either of them to be unhappy. . .or unsuccessful in making this relationship work if they are determined to move forward.)

Hope this helps!

Answer 5

XXXXXXXXXXX This, I wouldn't keep from my husband you did the right thing, as as the father of your daughter I think your husband did the right thing too. If my dad found out that was dating a guy as old as he and brushed it off because of a promise i would think less of him. dads walk through fire for their children I wouldn't have expected anything less. If your daughter was doing the right thing she'd have no reason to be mad. It was not right of her to even ask you to keep this sort of secret from your husband. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Answer 6

If you are saying that she is not talking to you well what do u expect she wanted to tell him what is it with people You knew she wanted to tell him so why is it that mom's cannot keep their mouths shut! She has a right to be upset with you. In a way you are just as bad as the Dad.

Answer 7

Yes you should have. I just found out my son was doing drugs, but my husband knew for a year and a half. He never told me because my son said DONT TELL MOM! Next time do keep it to yourself.

Answer 8

I tell my mom stuff all the time. I tell her things assuming my dad will find out down the line, no promises, but it's kind of like i expect it to be between us. You're married and you gotta tell your spouse things so i don't really think you did wrong.

Answer 9

I don't think your daughter should expect you to keep a secret from your husband. I tell my husband everything!

Answer 10

No, its a good thing u told him... Altho, it was poor on his part to go and ask her...

Anyway, teh situation you mentioned is pretty bad one, needs to be fixed incase the relationship turns into something more and she will nto leave him.