Tell me a joke, I am in a horrible mood!?

Question

Your joke cannot include, kids, races, or blondes in order to win.

Answer 1

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Answer 2

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard.
After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.
Two college students are in Ireland for a vacation when they feel nature calling. They stop at a rest area and are using the bathroom when a small man, no more than three feet tall, walks in.
He's wearing all green, even a little green hat with a shamrock on the brim. He walks up to the urinal and starts to pee. One of the college kids looks down and says, ''That's the biggest dick I've ever seen! How did you get it that big?''

The little guy replies, ''I'm a leprechaun, I can do anything.''

The student says, ''Can you make mine like that?''

The leprechaun smiles and says, ''A favor for a favor?''

The student says, "I'll do anything."

The leprechaun says, ''I want you to bend over so I can give it to you in the ****.''

The student says ''OK, I guess.''

The leprechaun jumps up on a stool and does his thing. He finishes and asks, ''How old are ye?"

The student replies, ''21.''

The wee man laughs and says, ''You're 21 and you still believe in leprechauns?"

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.

When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

"See that?" said the trucker.

The man said, "Yeah."

The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"

The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"

Answer 3

A man walked into a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender watched the man pull a small piano out of his napsack and place it on the bar. The man asked the bartender if he wanted to see something incredible. The bartender said sure. The man reached into his napsack and pulled out a small man who went over to the piano, sat down and started playing. Wow! said the bartender, where did you get that?
The man again reached into his napsack and pulled out a lamp. He told the bartender that he just rubbed the lamp and made a wish. The bartender asked if he could try it and the man obliged. The bartender rubbed the lamp and said I wish for a million bucks. Just then the front door blew open and all these ducks started to pile in. Mister, said the bartender, I think there's something wrong with your lamp. I know, the man replied, do you really think I wished for a 10 inch pianist?

Answer 4

Check this one:

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher
picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting
on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None.", replied Johnny,"cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are
thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women
eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her
cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger.
But I like the way you're thinking!"

Answer 5

a women is in a hospital, about to give birth to her first child. she gives a big gasp, and suddenly the babys head appears. the baby turns to the first man he sees and says, "are you my father?" the man replies that he is the doctor, and that the father had not made it to the hospital yet. so thew baby says, "well, im not coming out until my father shows up. tap three times on my mothers stomach when he arrives and then i'll come out." with that he returns to his mothers womb. the father arrives an hour later. the doctor duly taps on the mothers stomach three times and down comes the baby. he looks around, sees his father and calls him over. with his little finger he pokes the fathers nose, eye, and ear. while the father is wincing he says, "so now you know how it feels. not very nice, is it?"

Answer 6

LMFAO!!! what are the possibilities eh? thats were given me smiling slap bang interior the approach in basic terms having executed on exam and revising for yet another even as they're 24-hrs aside...... *sigh*

Answer 7

ok tell yo mamma to stop wearin green lipstick cuz my dad d*** startin to look like a nija turtle an it jus a joke

Answer 8

I accidentally plugged my electric blanket into the toaster last night.
I kept popping out of bed!

Answer 9

There's a pan of muffins in the oven. One muffin says, "Man, it's hot in here." The other muffin says, "Omygosh!! A talking muffin!"