Should I trust my bigot in-laws with my child?

Question

I and my wife are in a hard spot her parents and grandparents who once hated me and would not allow me into thier home or busniess, wouldn't even come to our wedding becuase of racial difference now want to be apart of our lives. My in-laws have a racialist view meaning race has rank. They felt they had a personal right to praticing racial discrimination with their busniess even though i could of had their deli closed. They felt that they were tring to protect there adult daughters quality of life. Thats when a bridge was burned. 2 years later we are married bought our home and had our first child this month and the inlaws are calling asking to come over like everything is ok and we should trust them. We both don't trust them and feel repeled by them. But at the same time we can't hate them for wanting love and see our child. We have certain standards for people to be in our life and even higher standards to be in our childs life. Are we being spitful in feeling this way.

Answer 1

don't leave them alone with your child, but its ok to let them see the baby

Answer 2

It is not the child's fault that the grandparents are so bigoted and i can see your viewpoint in not letting them see your child. However, how do you think the child / or children would feel in 15 years time to think that you stopped them from having a relationship with their grandparents.
You could however lay down some rules and regulations at the onset by saying that they can come over to see their grandchild in your home on your terms, and if there is even the slightest racial remark in front of the child they will no lionger be welcome to come over nor will they ever see their grandchild again. You and your partner are the people responsible for rearing your child/children and if you can live together as different races then your children will no doubt learn from you, but you have the utmost authority over what your child learns and if the child is around racist people even at an early age, they will learn to be racist.

Answer 3

I feel that if you are worried about this as an issue for the raising of your child you should bring it out in the open- after all it is your child, not theirs. You should not feel that worrying about racial matters inflicting your child being a spiteful thing in terms of not wanting the in-laws to spend time with your first baby. It is a very major thing! Maybe the bridges you thought are burnt aren't and their are still some hot ashes still smoldering- talk things out and you should be able to see a difference- people respect others that speak their mind and concerns. Esp. if it is concerning an issue with children. I have two children and I went though the same things with my in-laws, after me and my husband spoke out against things- we were seen in their eyes as greater parents and the problems we had drifted away to nothing at all. now we are great friends and the grand kids are spending more time at grandma and grandpas which means more husband and wife time.

Answer 4

You should draw CLEAR boundaries of what is acceptable behavior. After all, this is YOUR marriage and stronger yet...YOUR CHILD. Your child is your responsibility, and if that means that some family or friends are not welcome to participate in the relationship or upbringing of your child, then so beit.

I'll give you a quick story...my wife, was sexually abused by her step-father for nearly 10 years. These memories where blocked out, until one day little bits of "Creepy Memory" started to filter in. Long story short, through a ton of recovery, we have a healthy home and her Step-Father and his family are no longer welcome...we have not seen or spoken to them in nearly 7 years. Our son's are 14 and 15.

On the same note, my own mother has some issues and I have never allowed them to be alone with her.

The key is that as a couple we have established our own boundaries as to how we as a family will live our life, and if you want to be a part of it, you will not violate our beliefs.

Now in your situation, I would be very open and clear about the past with your in-laws. And should the two of you want to engage in a relationship with them...then do that first. Establish a pattern and ensure that they are going to be safe before you expose them to you own children. If they are sincere about developing a relationship with their grandchild or grandchildren, then they will be willing to built a trusting relationship with your first...if not, then their true colors will show.

My heart goes out to you...bigotry and sexual abuse are two different issues, but when it comes to dealing with our own families of origin, it can be a painful experience, but also a joyful one as old wounds are healed up.

Answer 5

First off do what makes you both feel comfortable. Try going out for a meal with them and see how that goes. I don't know if I could allow them into my home and it would be hard for me to accept that they could love my child the way it deserves to be love after the way I know they feel. My in-laws have very different views than mine. My husband is dead now. They can't accept that my 14 yr. old has problems with abusing me and ended up in a hospital for the last six months. Now when he may be getting to come home and he won't be allowed to go to thier home and visit they want to come to mine. They hate me and everything I do with my life. I don't know how I am going to deal with it. Just remember YOU are in control, it is your child. Good luck.

Answer 6

Racisim is learned. I'm glad to hear your wife didn't learn it from her parents. Hatred and fear go hand in hand.

If I were in your shoes, I probably wouldn't allow my child to see bigoted inlaws. Once the child is old enough to ask questions, the answer can be "Mommy and daddy don't approve of treating people badly because of the color of their skin, and we don't want those people in our lives. Everyone deserves to be treated with equal respect, no matter what." Or another age appropriate reply. I'm assuming your child will be roughly 4-5 years old when they first start to question the lack of one set of grandparents.

Of course, in the end, the decision is you and your wife's decision alone. I think if you sit both sit down and really think about your vaules, what the in-laws have done in the past, and the values you want your child to have, the answer will be clear.

Answer 7

Well,no matter how much you hate it and have to shove your fist down your throat to be quiet,your child needs to know her(or his)family. It sounds like there is reason for your hostility and believe me,I understand.I married my second husband 5yrs ago and he's hispanic.Thats fine,except that I'm white and my dad had a "little"problem adjusting.Now we have 2 boys and he's delt with his issues.Now,I don't know how bad your situation is.But alot could heal with the birth of their grandchild.Be a better person and suck it up.Show them who is the bigger man.All I know is that kids need their grandparents.

But if they try to say racial things against your child,well,then cut the cord and burn it.Your child doesn't need to be hurt that way,ever.Maybe your wife could explain to them that if they want to be in your childs life,then they need to come to grips with their attitude and do a complete 360.Good luck and congratulations on your new baby.

Answer 8

You have every right to be cautious. But maybe your child will be the chance to open your in-laws' minds. Maybe they're ready to change. Think about giving them a chance and just see what happens. It would also be an oppurtune time to have a talk with them and try to get everything out in the open and hopefully resolved.

Answer 9

The worst thing that turns me off is a racist. I know you have the right to get annoyed or be spiteful at them because of what their attitude towards you had been. I think in my own humble opinion it would be best if the child sees who his/her grandparents are but at the same time instilling in her virtues of not being judgmental of someone else's color or race. I also understand that this is not an easy thing to do know but it is all in your discretion.

A person doesn't have to be inferior just because of the color of their skin.

Answer 10

I would talk it over with the spouse first, and maybe let the in-laws come over for a supervised visit, just to get a feel of their intentions. I would not let them take the child out of sight.
You never know this may be the change they needed, children are magical, they bring people together.

Answer 11

You should let them see the child, but tell them that they can not be alone with the child until you feel comfortable with the idea. Tell them unless they make honest changes then their time with the child will be limited to special occasions.

Also tell them if you ever overhear them telling your child that they are "less than" then they will never be allowed to see the child again.

Start teaching you child early that they are valuable and deserve to be treated with respect. Your child is going to face a lot of adversity and you need to equip them with the tools to do so. You should not have to teach them to deal with the crap from people who are supposed to love and protect them.