What funny jokes have you heard lately?

Answer 1

An Irish woman of advanced age
> visited her physician to ask his help in reviving
> her husband's libido.
> "What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor.
> "Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an
> aspirin".
> "Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an
> Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't
> even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week
> to let me know how things went".
>
> It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor,
> who directly inquired as to progress.
>
> The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and
> begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!."
> "Really? What happened" asked the doctor?
> "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his
> coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He
> jumped his self straight up, with a twinkle in his
> eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With
> one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and
> tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and
> took me then and there, making wild, mad,
> passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a
> nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
>
> "Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean
> the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
>
> "Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed!
> 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure
> as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me
> face in Starbucks again"

Answer 2

New Rules In Hell


A man dies and goes to Hell, where he is greeted by the Devil.

The man looks around and sees no fire or people being tortured, nothing uncomfortable, and asks, "where is all the horrible things that Hell has to offer me? I might as well get started now".

The Devil says, " Things have changed down here".

He asks the man, "Do you like to drink alcohol?"

"Oh, Yes!" replied the man, with a big smile.

"Well you are in luck", Says the Devil, "because on Mondays there is drinking all day, anything that you want"

"Wow, that's sounds great", the man says.

"How about sex? Do you like sex?" the Devil asks.

The man replys, "Love sex, just never could get enough".

The Devil replys, "Well we will take care of that little problem, we have sex all day on Tuesday".

The smile continues to grow wider on the mans face.

He is then asked if he had any homosexual tendancies.

"Absolutely not!", he says emphatically, "I can't stand queers!"

The Devil smiles at him and says, "You are really going to hate Wednesdays then."

Answer 3

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one."

The bartender pours the drink but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"

The man begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next-door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me. I thought, 'Wow, this has never happened before.' You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm interested. I couldn't believe this was happening. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. So, of course, I went with her. This was just too good to be true."

He continues, "She took me down the street to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door, she slipped out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you, it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes. But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."

The blonde says, 'Oh, my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight. He's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'

I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but I figured that he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me..."

The bartender says, "Well, I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point."

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open, and he yells, 'Who you been sleeping with now, witch?'

The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.'

Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?'

I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.'

But by now the blonde is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time. I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have pissed me off for sure."

"No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold this glass."

The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset."

"No, that wasn't what really pissed me off."

The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally piss you off?"

"Well, I was hanging there and I turned around and looked down, and I was only about 6 inches off the ground."

Answer 4

Check this one:

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!

Answer 5

Two cows in a field one says "What do you think of this mad cows disease ?" the other says I don`t know I`m a duck"

Answer 6

ok a naked man walking through the zoo, looking at the elephants, the one elephant is swinging his head. the elephant stops and says hey thats cute but how can you breathe through it.

Answer 7

What did the Mexican cat say when he saw the leashes he already had, at Petco?

I gatos.

Answer 8

the one ♥Gilmore♥ just posted check ya later ♥

Answer 9

none