Should I talk to my step-kids (3&5) about their dad being in jail? If so, how?

Question

They understand that he is away for awhile. Fortunately, his family makes sure I still get to see them, but everytime I do, they ask why he's gone and when he'll be back. This makes me think that their mom hasn't really talked to them about it. I understand she is trying to protect them, but I don't want them to think he just left them. I've told them he had to go away for awhile but he misses them very much. He has written them a couple letters and I encourage them to draw pictures that I send to him. I want to talk to them about it so they understand that daddy is not bad, he just made a mistake, but I don't want to do anything that their mother wouldn't approve of (she and I don't talk so I don't really know how/if she's addressed it). Should I just leave it as is and hope the year passes quickly?

They know where he is, they don't know why or how long. I have tried not to talk to him about it because it's a sore subject - he wants to see them and I have to agree with their mom that right now that is probably not best.

To clarify - the 5 yr old knows where he is, the 3 yr old doesn't unless the other told her.

Answer 1

Your in a very vulnerable position. I know - been there and done that. My best advice to you is to stay neutral or better yet make yourself an ally in the situation by talking to his family. Ask them what they are telling the children or ask them to talk to the kids mother to let her know that you feel it is equally important for everyone to be on the same page in what is being said to the kids so as not to confuse them. Ask his family to please have her call you or if she doesn't feel comfortable with that to relay her thoughts on the matter to you through them. It will show you are genuinely concerned about the kid's welfare. I know that you may not agree with the way that they are handling the situation but better to go along with whatever they are doing than risk alienating them and placing yourself at risk of being denied access to see them. You are in an important position right now of being able to relay to their father how they are doing. I wouldn't suggest doing any to jeopardize that. 3 & 5 is pretty young to try to explain why all this is happening. Kids tend to see things in black and white - either all bad or all good. There will always be time in the future to explain things to them if necessary. Empathize with them in the meantime. When they say they miss their daddy, tell them you do too but this is something he has to do and that hopefully he won't be gone much longer because you know he's missing all of them too.

Answer 2

Please don't try to explain to such young children that their Daddy is in jail !
The 3 year old would probably not comprehend it, and the 5 year old would just freak out.
Even though I don't believe that children should be lied to, this is one instance of exception.
Tell them that he had to go away to work for a while. It would not be a complete lie......he IS working off a sentence.
You really need to protect them from learning about jail at such early ages, which sounds like what the Mom is trying to do.
And, if you go against something that she has said, you may not be able to see them at all, until the dad comes home.
Keep getting them to draw pictures and write what they can to send to him. Also, get him to do the same. He doesn't need to lose contact with his children.

Answer 3

If the relationship isn't horrible with their mother, ask her what she has told them regarding their father's situation because you'd like to be on the same page since the children have asked you about their father being away. If she hasn't really explained it or if she has given an answer (which obviously hasn't sufficed the kids) have an explanation ready that you would like to tell the children. Run it by her and ask if she's comfortable with what you've suggested or ask for her help in collaborating an explanation because the children shouldn't be left to think that their father has abandoned them.

If the relationship with their mother is bad then the next time you see the children and they ask about their father, offer to write a letter to their father for them. Write this letter exactly how the children relay their thoughts to you. At the end of the letter you may want to inform your husband that the children are confused and upset by his current situation and are looking for answers. Let him know that you thought he should be and would be the best to answer them and ask that he reply in a letter addressed to them so that 1) it comes from their dad and that should alleviate some of the fear that he abandoned them and 2) this doesn't cause any additional friction between you and their mother as their father is the one informing them of his situation.

Answer 4

You really need to discuss this with their mum. It's a difficult situation, but if you and their mum tell them different things then they will end up more confused. Explain to her that you feel worried they may think he has just left them. She probably doesn't want them to have the added worry, or perhaps remember when they are older. At least they are still having contact with you - don't jeopardise that - and isn't there some way that their dad could speak to them on the phone regularly? And send them letters, pictures, cards through the post? I bet they would love to get their own letters from their dad.

Answer 5

My father was in jail most of me and my siblings childhood. He sent letters all of the time and his mother sent gifts to us marked from him. My mom told us he was away playing football.

I found out the truth at 13 and was very upset. Here my cool football dad was in prison. I went to visit him and it was very weird. When he was released, he disappeared only to reappear several years later to try and have a relationship which didnt work out.

Maybe thier dad should write a letter that you could read to the kids explaining the situation the way he wants it explained to his kids. Because of thier young age, maybe it will have to be read several times but hopefully they will have a basis to build on in the future.

Answer 6

Discuss it with their mother, it's ultimately up to her whether they are told or not. But try to convince her that it's the right thing to do. Perhaps explaining it in the way that adults have "time out" too might work. If Daddy did something wrong, then he has to go into time out for a while. And time outs are longer for grown ups. Reassure them that he still loves them and misses them.

Answer 7

dude, get a better lawyer. You can't serve a sentence based on lies. there has to be incontrovertible proof beyond "reasonable doubt". if she cant prove IN COURT that you committed whatever she is accusing you of then she can suck your dick. get a REAL lawyer with a set of balls and sue and appeal your *** off! you want your life back? get this crazy B*tch out of it. how do you do that? through the legal system with well paid people who actually know what the F*CK they are doing. Personally i'd like to see this lunatic skank thrown in a dungeon and eaten by alligators. but thats just me.

Answer 8

in my opinion they don;t really need to know that their father is in jail, they wouldnt understand that anyway, and if you tell them you are not sure what the outcome is, they might think that their father is a bad guy..don't involve them in these kind of things yet, they are too young to understand trust me..they're just kids, don't disappoint them about their father's condition. it might have a negative impact on them. make excuses for now /goodluck

Answer 9

visit the dad or write him about that.