Having a hard time with step-son, tell me what to do?

Question

My husband has a 10 yr old son that HATES my daughter. His ex and his son moved right next door to us and I'm so upset about it. Everytime we do something now he feels obligated to take his son but I don't like it bc his son is mean to my daughter. My husband says it's just how brother's and sisters fight but I don't see it that way. He tries to get her in trouble and usually succeeds. If I go do something fun with my daughter my husband usually tells me to take his son too so he won't feel left out.I stpped going to fun places bc i hate taking him. He's rude to me and a smart alec. My husband doesn't see my frustration. I've tried to be polite and treat him well but it's gotten worse since they moved next door. Now he sees our family everyday and i think it hurts him that his dad is here with us and I understand that...but does that mean I have to allow him to treat MY baby bad?

Yeah I think it's weird she moved right next door...and were not friends just civil to eachother...she seems to think it's my responsibility as well to take him too. She has him call me during the day to see what I'm doing. I know that I'm supposed to treat him as my own, but the truth is, he's not my own and he's difficult. He acts like an angel when his dad is around and no one likes someone telling them thier kid is a jerk...I hate that I have to keep my 5 yr old in bc I have a 10 yr old stalker that always wants to tag along. His mother does NOTHING with him...not even a movie...how is this MY responsibility.

My husband works a lot and I have the summer off, so I'm the one that usually takes the kids out since my step-son's mother leaves him at home alone while she works. My husband does go with us sometimes, but he just allows his son to dictate where and what we do. I just don't understand why...I've already told my husband that his son has a lot of animosity towards me and I don't know how to handle it and he told me he'd just grow out of it. The mother actually calls my husband frustrated if I've gone out somewhere and didn't ask her son if he wanted to go....I mean they could see if my car is parked outside....

Answer 1

If your husband doesn't see your frustration then he needs a rude awakening. This is a ridiculous situation you have been placed into. Why would anyone want to live next door to their ex unless one or the other or both have ulterior motives.

You must understand that your husband is in the middle between two forces and could feel so torn that this can destroy him. Be careful.

You need the service of a third party to even the odds here. This person should be a diplomatic type that sees this dilemma clearly and can relate the situation to your husband clearly.

Seems like the boy is jealous. That is difficult for you to deal with.
Your husband is in a better position to deal with this problem if he knows how and "realizes the problem exists".

Under the circumstances, it's ridiculous to force these two kids to share the same space.

For a while, I thought 100 miles was too close for my ex.

Answer 2

First off your right to be upset, even if it were just brother sister fighting you would want to stop it, thats very unhealthy. Also it seems like your husband dosn't truley know how you feel. I would tell your husband what you just told me. Try to sit them all down, your husband, daughter, son , and you, and try to have a family disgushion. Talk about how you feel, I would normaly say don't yell but maybe thats what the little boy needs, it sounds like he gets away with a lot, tell him to shape up and yell at him every once in a wile if he does somthing wrong, like frame your daughter, I do have a question though, Why don't u and ur husband live together??? Being aroung your daughter 24/7 may help him to understand how she feels, and it would give them a chance to play and get some 1 on 1 time, just dont quite going fun places with ur daughter, take her some were every so often and make sure she knows that u love her

Answer 3

Have you talked to the mother? Most likely, his behavior originates from her discord. Why did she move next door...that seems absurd?! Maybe you should try to have a one on one with your husbands ex, and see if the two of you can work out some sort of harmony. Its very possible that your stepson is jealous, first of all, and its possible if the two of you spent time alone you could get to know and appreciate each other..remember children are not born mean...it is learned behavior...it will take some work, but you need to find out where it stems from, and then you need to fix the problem. your stepson is probably hurting very much, and he is probably jealous of your daughter living with his dad. You all need to express your concern for both of the children, and explain that though the living arrangement is not perfect, that it has no bearing on how his parents feel about him. Show some interest in your stepson, and encourage both children to spend time with one another. But importantly, talk to his mother, if he sees that his mother can approve of the situation, it may open his mind further...Just remember, this does not happen overnight, and it will take a lot of work, but if you want the marriage to work, and you want the best for the kids, all of you must get involved..good luck

Answer 4

This is a really hard situation... the ex wife must have some real issues moving in next door to you guys. How does your step son act in front of your husband? I would only invite your step son when your husband is around... Tell your husband you are only taking your daughter out as a girls night out and that is it!

Answer 5

No, you do not have to take the boy with you if he is being a brat. Yes, you are obligated to put up with your husband's other family, but that does not mean you have to let them be rude to you. Have you talked to your husband? Try telling him how you feel, and that you are not willing to parent his son if his son is going to be out of control.

If it is possible, you might try talking to your husband's ex wife. If you are on good terms, maybe you can tell her that you are concerned with how angry and upset her son gets. Tell her that you understand and sympathize with his anger, but that you can't allow his anger to harm your child. See if she can talk to him, and try and help him work out some of his problems. Maybe even suggest counseling. Divorce, and especially remarriage, can be extremely stressful on a child, and counseling may be just what he needs. You would have to use a LOT of discretion here, though, because many people are extremely opposed to the idea of counseling.

If you do talk to your husband or his ex wife about the idea of counseling, make sure you frame the discussion in a way that emphasizes that you are trying to help the son relieve some stress and work through emotional problems that he may not be ready to deal with on his own at the age of ten. Avoid making it sound like you are suggesting counseling because he is a bad child, or because he is undisciplined, and make sure not to place blame on either your husband or his ex wife.

Answer 6

Well, even though the problem seems like it's your step-son...it's really your husband. You need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart about this. I'm afraid that you will have to employ and ultimatum (I hate ultimatums). This HAS to change. You need to put your foot down with your step-son and with your husband. Your step-son (and his mom) need to know that if he's over at your house, it is your rules. Your husband has to understand that you need to be an authoritive figure to your step-son and that his actions are no longer tolerable. I hate recommending this, but I see no other course. If your husband like being married to you and wants to stay married, he must step up to the plate and be a Dad to his son. For your parenting and your marriage to work you and your husband have to be on the same page, the same level, and supportive of each others discliplinary actions. Your step-son must realize that no matter what, it will be easier to just do what you ask...because either you, your husband (his father) or both of you will do what needs to be done so that he does what he's told and acts respectably. Well...I hope this helps, Matt.

Answer 7

You say your husband doesn't listen when you tell him about your stepson being mean so prove it to him. Install some hidden cameras and record the behavior. That way your husband will see what's going on and hopefully start doing something about it. A person can't deny what they see with their own eyes. When your husband suggests that you take your stepson on outings with your daughter, just tell him your having a Mommy/daughter day and no boys or men allowed.

Answer 8

does your husband ever go along with you, your daughter and his son??

You also really need to stop looking at it as "mine" and "his", they're both of yours now in some way shape or form and if you cannot talk to your husband, have you tried talking to the 10 year old son??? What about your husband's ex?? If you and her are friendly maybe the two of you can take both of the children to fun places.

Answer 9

RUN!

Sounds like the ex-wife has detachment issues and just wants to make your life miserable with her presence. I would start telling your husband NO....and if he doesnt get it, tell him HEY'LL NO! You should be able to do whatever you want with YOUR daughter. Just remember that if he wants to do something with his son, then you have to let them go off together. He may try this a few times just to get back at you, but it will end up wearing him down.

At first, try telling him that you and your daughter are just going "Shopping", or to "visit relatives", THEN GO SOMEWHERE FUN!!!!

Sounds like the 10 y/o son has serious issues and is a bonafide brat! Please stand your ground. You owe it to your daughter yo give her the life she deserves. If your husband doesnt understand, then tell him to take a flying leap! the problem with too many women is that they are afraid of their man, for wnatever reason....be strong!

Answer 10

You should have a private talk with your husband about disciplining his son. The issue is not between you and the boy or you and his mother, but between you and your husband. Yes, you should have mother-daughter alone time, and your husband needs to realize that. He should have father-son alone time as well. But the four of you need time together also, and sometimes you're going to have to bite your tongue.