HELP! I just agreed to an OPEN relationship and its her birthday soon...?

Question

We've gone out for 4 years, and recently my gf has taken tons of responsibilities, all the while taking less time for our relationship, she has been asking about an open relationship for a while now and i finally agreed. Since then I havent seen her as much even though we live together, and I dont feel like I care as much. Its her birthday soon, and im torn between doing something romantic and giving her an expensive gift I bought her a while ago when we were still OK. I dont know what to do bc even if we broke up she considers me her best friend as well. Should I still give her the big gift I bought her ($300+)? Part of me wants to but part of me also doesnt want to get herbd. Thank you.

She spent a lot of money on my birthday gift earlier this year ($500-600)... does she still not deserve it considering the circumstances?

Answer 1

"open" relationship really means "i've dumped you and am with someone else."

She just doesn't want to interrupt her living arrangements/roommate situation.

I would not get her a present. In fact, if you are not happy with the "open" thing (sounds like you are not), then i would move out and leave her behind.

YOU DESERVE MORE! (in my opinion!)

Answer 2

There are many wonderfully romantic things you can do for her birthday without a lot of cost. If you can cook, plan on a quiet, candlelit dinner at home. If you can't cook, take her some place elegant and enjoy. Before you go to said dinner whether it's in your dining room or someone else's, prepare a nice, scented bath for her. Surround the tub with candles. Play some of her favorite music. Pour her a nice glass of wine. Then, once she's out of the tub and semi-dry, give her a delicious back and foot massage. Attend her needs. Pleasure her every way she desires with no regard to your pleasure on her special night.

As to your expensive gift, perhaps you should wait on that until Christmas, when hopefully you'll have a better idea of how the relationship is going. On the other hand, given that you have been together so long, and irrespective of the uncertainty of your relationship right now, you can still give her a fine gift. I'd suggest something for a hundred dollars or less. That way it shows you care and that you have gone to some expense without risking the cost of an exhorbitant gift that might not help your relationship anyway.

At some point, though preferrably not on her birthday, you and she need to talk about this open relationship and what the terms shall be. Perhaps all she wants is the opportunity to experiment with another woman. Would you feel more comfortable with this arrangement if you were allowed to observe and/or participate? Or, is it possible that her discussion of an open relationship is really a plea for you to participate more actively in the relationship? Are you doing enough around the house? Are you doing enough to please her? Finally, if she wants to have another relationship, are you secure enough in yourself and are your needs and desires sufficiently satisfied that you can let her have an additional relationship? You may want to conduct a search on the term, polyamory. You may also have to consider whether you want her to conduct this other relationship completely separately from you or whether you want to participate in this relationship with the third party as well.

There is no rule written in stone that limits a relationship to only two partners. Relationships are defined by the people in them whether they choose to consciously sit down and talk about the terms of the relationship or not. Talk to her. Ask her what she wants and needs; tell her what you want and need. You can work this out if you can both reach an agreement. Right now though, plan on spoiling her for her birthday, just don't ruin your bank account.

Answer 3

I think you have bigger problems than "what should I get her for her birthday"

An open relationship is improbably difficult to maintain and really can only be upheld reliably by people who don't really care about intimacy (read, people who are afraid of intimacy)

You obviously have feelings for this girl, and while she might have feelings for you, she does not care enough for you to curb her wild side. You must realize that she is out all the time having sex with other guys. She may be doing it right now. As this goes on it will just wear on you until you are either a meek shell of a man or you finally break up over the pressure.

I think you should talk with her. Tell her that you are feeling like the two of you aren't connecting any longer. If you feel like you want to try and salvage the relationship (since you don't care any more, perhaps you don't) and if you do and she does, you need to make a better commitment to each other.

I'm assuming a few things here. I'm assuming you are fairly young ($300 as a big present (and living with her) means you either saved a while at your minimum wage job or you got her something with say half a months salary) which would put you at early to mid twenties. Since you've been going out with this girl for four years perhaps it is time for you to experience life without her and experience what other girls might have to offer. Obviously she is ALREADY doing this and is keeping you "on the side" in case anything else doesn't work out. You need to break from this situation either by getting her to make a better commitment to the relationship or by breaking it off clean.

As for the present, you should talk to her about this first and then decide. If she wants to save the relationship, go romantic. If she doesn't, return the $300 gift, buy her a couple of DVDs and spend the rest on new clothes for yourself and your newfound dating scene.

Answer 4

WHY would U consider this????
I mean if U love someone U NEVER share them....
If she wants to see other people, then tell her to do it on her own. Pack her stuff and move out... Dont give her the opportunity to go out and "test the waters"...What's that ALL about. She obviously DOESNT care about U. So even though it's not gonna be easy let her have her space. She just doesn't need to do it @ Ur expense. Ask Urself "WHY ARENT I ENOUGH"......The truth is she's having her cake and eat it too. U have given her the best of both worlds, when she gets hurt by someone else she still has U too fall back on. U dont need that..
U seem like a loving and caring person and if she's too stupid to realize that then let her hit the road. As for the gift, she DOESN"T deserve it. Take it back get Ur money back and spend it on someone that deserves it "U".....

Answer 5

Oh wow ... difficult stuff. Girls tend to have an easier time in an open relationship than guys (duh!). In my experience, an open relationship can often be the prelude to the end of a relationship (have been there, done that), but not always. Also - check HER idea of the rules. Have been in the situation where I though it was open for both of us, but SHE didn't want to share!

1) You've bought her a big gift. Give it to her. Don't expect it to buy her love. It is an expression of YOUR love for her. THEN do the romantic thing (or maybe do it first and give the gift at the end).

2) IF you are loving her and she is in the process of ending it, talk WITH her and LISTEN TO her. It is your only hope in making it last if you have things to work out.

3) Be brave. If you love her, you must risk the pain. Love is about being there even if you are going to get hurt.

Hope this helps!

Answer 6

Why did you agree to this open relationship? Is it something you are comfortable with? Did you set the ground rules? If you don't set up ground rules then it becomes a breeding ground for miscommunication and eventually a breakup. Sit down with her and ask to set up the ground rules, then decide if you want to stay in the relationship. If you still agree to it, then ask her what her plans are for her birthday.

I have known couples who have done that open relationship thing, but they agreed to always prioritize each other. For birthdays and certain holidays that they agreed upon, they would make it a point to plan time together. However, this only worked for a time. All the couples I have ever known to try this have failed because one partner was more committed than the other. There is enevitably one that is more introverted and considerate, that is the one that ends up hurt and angry at the end.

Do what you feel is right, but think it through. Best wishes.

Answer 7

I wouldn't give her the gift. I'd tone it down some, but make sure she knows how you feel, however that is. If you care, show her you care and find a gift that corresponds.

(Spa days are an incredible gift, especially if she is very busy!)

BTW I agree that "open relationship" means "I've met someone else I'm interested in, but I want to have a backup, so I'm not letting you go yet. I could be wrong about the other guy." I think it's time to move out.

Answer 8

There are a lot of details that aren't here that might make the decision easier.

You could base your decision entirely on the answer to this question:

What do you REALLY want to give her? What would you give her if you weren't worried about how it might be received? You say that she considers you her best friend (you must be a really nice person), but how do YOU feel about HER?

Another thing to consider is how easily you can affort that expensive gift. Is it a major dig into your funds or not? That's not as important as the way you feel about her.

I guess you should do just what YOU want to do.
What do you want to do?

Answer 9

hang on a sec!

you live together, spent 4 years together, she has taken on more responsibilities, she has less time for you but can make time to see other people in this 'open' relationship and you want to give her an expensive gift for her birthday?????

i think your missing the point here.........she wants to end things with you and see other people!!! thats the real meaning behind 'open' relationships. how on earth can she validate not having enough time for you but have enough time to meet other people?

your being dumped in a roundabout kinda way. take back her gift, get a refund buy her a birthday card and go on a mini vacation!

Answer 10

"Open" relationships are the first step to breaking up. I would keep the gift if you feel it is not a true commited relatioship. It would be a waste of money. Keep it and give it top someone who cares enough to stay with you and go through the hoops to be with you.

She sounds like a player. Don't be a pawn- it sounds like she has other guys for that job.

Answer 11

If u already bought the gift give it to her and plan a romantic day if u still like the girl.