A question for parents?

Question

l was 19 when l stared seeing a 30 year old, my first real boyfriend.
My floks were ok about it until the day l said l may stay with him for the weekend, they banned me from ever doing so or going on holidays together, as of then they never liked him.
He came from a good family and had his own business and place so it wasnt like he was just some wierdo prying on kids as l had originally said l was 21!
We lasted 10 months as he said being with me was to hard cos of my parents.
Do u think the way my parents behaved was something u would do or were they a bit harsh?
They said l had to move out if l carried on with him and he didnt want me staying with him, so l blame myself for us splitting cos maybe l should have got my own place, but l coludnt really affored it!
Wen l asked do u see us together this time next year, he said"l really don't know" that was kind of why l didnt want to risk moving out for someone who may not want me next month anyway!

Answer 1

THough I believe age isn't an issue, your parents have been around for awhile and mabbee they didn't care about his age as much as him- his personality, or mabbee they saw something about him that you didn't see, or don't know about. Parents are wise peaple. (I'm 28 by the way)

Answer 2

I'm not a parent but I can feel your pain when I read your question. You have so many unanswered questions that this man caused for you. I don't think that you will ever get all the answers from him. It sounds like you need to relax and forget him. It didn't work out - it doesn;t matter all the little things that he said. Stop hanging onto little things and try to focus on positive things in your life - get out and enjoy yourself - keeping your mind active will get you over this. Spend time on you and pamper yourself. You deserve happiness and I get a strong feeling that you would have never known where you stood with this man. If he truly loved you he would be with you now - making an effort to work things out. Personally, I don't think that there is a problem with a big age difference in a relationship - my fiance is 5 years older than me. But you need to find someone that wants the same goal as you in the relationship or it will never work. You are only 21 - enjoy your freedom - you will meet Mr Right soon enough!!

One last thing, I don't think that your parents are to blame. One thing that you will learn when you get older is that your parents are always honest (mine are anyway) - you will always be their priority - though, I do agree that you are an adult and you do have your own opinion. I think that the best lesson you can learn from this is that you maybe need to get your own place - you may find that you need your independance now more than ever. Go for it - you will have so many exciting times ahead!

Good luck!!

Answer 3

I really feel that your parents were extremely tolerant of the situation UNTIL the time both your boyfriend and you decided on testing your parents boundaries again. But, I see you as pretty intelligent girl because it would've seriously changed your entire life if you hadn't had such an open and honest relationship with your parents. Even though you re just 19 you will change so much as a person by the time your 25. You won't even be attracted to the same type of guy. Girl , thank god you didn't get pregnant.

I think you need to apologize to your parents :( for causing them so much stress and disrespecting them. But they truly saved your A**. It really showed that they trusted that you make the right decision. In a marriage it's so important that a husband and wife gets along with your in laws it makes everything so much easier. Who cares about his job or his parents he has a sex drive. If he had such a wonderful job why didn't he get you your own apartment or at least jump start you. I'm glad you didn't move though.

Lastly, since he really didn't know if he was going to be with you in 1 yr you were smart to leave. Some girls would've pushed themselves on the guy more and wasted yrs of their life on something that was going nowhere.

You won't understand what your parents did for you until several yrs go by.

Answer 4

Your parents were trying to give you the benefit of their knowledge and experience. Most 19-30age relationships don't last. At 19, you have barely begun to grow and figure out who you are - and to tie yourself down with someone who already is in a life kind of stunts your potential.

They just want what is best. You have at least 60-65 more years on the planet. You can only be young once. Many people trade their free youth in pursuit of relationships that they were too young for in the first place because they think Love is all important. Truthfully it is not - it's only a facet. Use your youth to grow and be free - because the ties/responsibilities of age come rushing in.

If you think that you are ugly and that this 30 year old is the only one that will love you - this too is in error. The more experiences and learning that you acquire - the more your sex appeal increases - regardless of outer appearances.

Answer 5

If he would have been serious about you and answered you with "this time next year, I see us married", then I would say that you should have moved out with him. But it seems that he did not want to get serious so your parents were right to some degree. I think that 19 is old enough to make your own judgments, and all, but I don't think they should have told you that you had to move out. At 19 you are an adult, so they should not treat you like a child, but then again, you do live under their roof, so I sort of see their point. I would not tell my daughter that she had to move out, if she was that age, I would just make sure that she was being safe, and try to get her to wait to go away for the weekend until they were married.

Answer 6

I would have done the EXACT same thing as your parents - next time you see them, you should hug them and THANK THEM for saving your life.

Your parents gave you a choice. They didn't force you to break up with him. They simply said if you're ready to be an adult, then you can act live like one - on your own. They were not going to support an act they did not believe in.

You THINK you're mature and smart now...but you're only 19. Do you think you're a lot more mature and experienced than a 9 year old? lol...well that is the difference in life between you and your 30 year old bf. He has absolutely no business with you. You still need to finish school, and get a foundation for your life...not fall for some 30 year old whom you know little about.

Your parents can recognize this...you cannot.

Answer 7

I am sure your parents were only trying to protect you. Here is what I told my 18 yo daughter when she met an older man.... The real trouble with this situation is your lack of experience. While this is not a negative thing, it will cause issues in a relationship with an older man. When an older person is in relationship with a younger person, it is only natural that the younger person will look up to and admire the older person for their experience. This allows the older person to in some manner control the relationship and the outcome. As in your case, he decided that it was too difficult to deal with your parents, so he called it off. If he wanted to, he could have convinced you to go against your parents. He could have influenced and encouraged you to keep the relationship going no matter how they felt. By having his own apt, car, etc. he could allowed you to stay over and provide you with the things you needed to make it easier to disobey your parents wishes. Although he may be a good person, by nature of his experience, he could have taught you how to get around your parents and have your way. This is what I mean by controlling the situation.

Also with your lack of experience, and limited access to most of lifes situations, you would have no idea if he was cheating, lying, bisexual, married, or anything. He has had lots more time to learn to play the games that men play. When older men go after younger women, a lot of times it is so that they can be in control, and often times it is because they cannot deal with the demands of a mature woman. This is in no way meant to insult you, but the fact is older women demand more of a relationship.
Consider yourself lucky that this man was a decent guy. Not all older men have the proper motivation when seeking out young women.

Answer 8

It's a tough one. On one hand you are an adult at 19 and your parents should allow you to make your own decisions (and mistakes). However, I think a gap of 21 years is a bit big, and would be a bit suspicious of a 30yr old man who went after a 19 year old. Your parents just care and were showing that they were worried about you and him, they did go a bit far as they can't really forbid you to see someone at your age, and threatening to chuck you out is really harsh. He couldn't hack it anyway, so perhaps they were right about him after all. Try not to let it spoil your relationship with them.

Answer 9

They may have seemed a little old fashioned but they were probably wise. It sounds as though he liked you but didn't love you - not enough to see the rest of his life with you regardless, anyway.

Your parents very likely saw something in him that you didn't see. It often happens and it doesn't mean either you or they were wrong, really, just that they saw different things (and with an eye of experience, maybe).

I can't say that I would or would not have done what they did but if I felt uneasy about someone my daughter was seeing, I think I would discourage her from getting too deeply involved. When I say 'feel uneasy', age difference would not necessarily be a factor in that but character, the way he treated my daughter and the way he came over to me would be.

Answer 10

As a parent I think I would freak internally if my son was in this situation... but I would never condemn it. Many many years ago, my parents banned me from seeing my first love (I was 18 and he was 23) and I still get a pang in my heart thinking about it.
I had a friend who was 16 when she started dating her 28 year old boyfriend (now her husband). She crept around behind her parents backs, and we all thought he was a dirty old man.
They married when she was 22, and that's when we discovered (OMG!) they had BOTH waited for their wedding night!
They've been together for 10 years now and they're still going strong...
BUT... if your man gave you the answer of "I don't know", then it's not worth the risk. You're still young, experience single life while you can.

Answer 11

11 years is a bit of a gap, but there must be more to it than that. I think maturity is important (a couple have got to have similar maturity for it to work) and age is a good indicator of at least where a person's maturity level should be. It may feel good at first, but believe me I have enough friends married into large age gaps to know that there are real pressures that come after a while. (I'm 29)