I love my fiance, but don't want to marry him! What now?

Question

I've been dating this guy for 4 and a half years and have been engaged for almost one year. He's my best friend. I do love him very much and he loves me. However, I don't think we are right to get married! I take marriage very seriously and will NOT get divorced. He is just not what I am looking for in a husband and I didn't realize that until recently. Any advice - esp from ppl who have been there???

Answer 1

Well, short term, you must tell him ASAP. The longer this goes on, the harder it will be.

Longer term, you need to be more candid about what you are "looking for" in a husband. If you are "looking for" someone very different from someone you love and are best friends with, I think your vision of marriage is bad. If you approach marriage as a crossing of the moat type thing, where you're going to be different in marriage than you are now, you are asking to be unhappy.

Answer 2

I was in a similiar situation. We had been together 4 1/2 years and were talking about marriage, but never officially got engaged. That's when I realized this isn't what I wanted, so I ended it. It's the only way. He was heartbroken, and I wondered if I'd ever meet anyone else that was as great as him. Well, I was single for a couple of years, then I met the one. We've been together 5 years, and we just got married a little over a month ago. Hopefully, you aren't deep into your wedding planning, because that would make it harder. You have to be honest with him. He may not feel the same way that you do, so he may be very upset, but you only have one life and you should live it with the person that makes you happiest. On the other hand, though, what is it that makes you think you guys shouldn't be married? Maybe it's something small and insignificant, because you did say that you still love him. You have to look deep into yourself and figure it out. If you know for sure it will not work, then end it now. Good luck!!

Answer 3

Wow. That is quite a tough one. I have been married once, but it was not the type of situation that you are describing. However, I am currently involved with someone long distance (for about 2.5 years) and have an amazing relationship with him. He is my best friend, and I have communicated better with him than anyone else in my life. If you aren't looking for a best friend in your mate, what are you looking for? I think you need to ask yourself why this man is not 'husband material' for you, and really be honest with yourself about what you want out of life and your partner. I think you have a very good situation with this man, but for some reason, something is holding you back. Could it be possible that your fear of divorce and unwillingness to even evaluate that as an option in your life will prevent you from ever marrying at all? With this man, with any other man? The problem might not be with him, it might be within you. Be honest with yourself and look inside and see what is really bothering you, and then go from there. And whatever you do, be completely honest with him and yourself. It might hurt, but you will both be better people in the end because of it.

Answer 4

well the only basic solution is to break up with this guy and end now because you are wasting time on something that is not going to have a happy ending..like you said you realise he is not what your looking for in a husband,well you cant carry on with someone jsut for the sake off it and then tell him another 2 or 3 years down the road that you will never marry him,thats wouldnt be a nice thing to do,you just have to sit him down and talk about it but if thats how you really feel then i say tell him,and tell him quick...Good luck and best wishes for you and your future!!

Answer 5

I think you need to reevaluate your desires. What, precisely, is husband material? Is it financial? Physical? If you won't even CONSIDER the possibility that the marriage might not work out, you're never going to get married. Now if you don't want to get married, that's great but if you do someday, you need to accept that there IS NO SURE THING in a relationship. I agree with almost everyone else, whatever you decide, you need to tell him how you feel...NOW.

Answer 6

If you have such serious doubts, don't marry him. Don't hang on longer - it's not fair to either of you. I wasn't yet officially engaged, but was really serious with this guy and it was headed that way. I realized that we were better friends than we would have been spouses. Make sure you do what is best for you - it is hard to leave such a long-term relationship, but you can be strong and do it with support from family and friends. Be upfront and honest with him, and explain it simply. Wish you luck...

Answer 7

Nobody goes into a marriage with any intention of divorcing later but you cannot possibly say you would NEVER get divorced. Regardless of that, I think you should break the engagement ASAP and stop leading him on.

Answer 8

wow i know it's tough but what you really need to do is talk to him maybe he too is having doubts but loves you to much to hurt you with these thoughts. When a couple has been together for so long it does not necessarily mean they should stay most people just stay together for the fear of being alone or they think well if i love him i should stay but in reality if your not IN LOVE then it's not really what you should go forward with.

Answer 9

Well how about talking to him about the things you feel is the reason you don't want to marry instead of getting rid of a long relationship. Just a thought.

Answer 10

Talk to him. but first understand for yourself what you really need. maybe he can change. if you say that love him, if you have been together for so long then think twice, maybe you are wrong? i just know what does that mean to be with somebody for a long period of time! Maybe you just don't want to marry and need some more time.