here you are sitting down doing nothing....BUT?

Question

what did you learn from life so far?
(funny answers pleez)

Answer 1

always check the seat before you sit ugh men

if you open your mouth and nothing comes out you still don't look as stupid as you would when you said what was suppose to come out.

I'm sitting down but i really should find nemo

life is full of as ses

you're:
busting it
laughing it off
trying to get a peice of it
kissing it
and acting like one

the only two certain things in life are death and taxes, and usually we really don't like the taxes part

when you close your door to opportunity there will always be a new one with a higher price

working the streets can be harmful and scary, but when you find the perfect guy he'll throw you back to curb because face it you're a whore

Whores are like bowling balls
You pick it up, finger it, throw it in the gutter, and it still comes back for more.

the only way to fuc k someone over is to do it on a ferris wheel

When a house is clean it means that the computer is broken

No matter what color the bubble bath is, the bubble will always come out white (now apply that to sex hehe)

Don't feel rushed to buy a mattress, they're always on sale

Toasters are stupid, it always says one slice, but really how many pieces of toast are you gonna cram in there?

People are lazy, when they run over a piece of string and nothing it doesn't get sucked up they pick it up look at it and then throw it back on the ground to see if the vacuum will pick it up this time (of course it doesn't)

When ever you go to open a garbage bag always go to the opposite side that you were thinking about opening, they never open from the side your originally though it would open.

Dead bugs are magic, you never see them in the light fixtures until they're dead, then you notice them there.

Its better to hang dry your clothes because when you use a dryer you notice so much lint that one day you're gonna wonder where the holes came from in your clothes.

At every store with a shopping cart, there will always be someone who rams it into your heals, always be polite when they apologize, everyone knows, its not alright (stupid idiots)

Never try to rescue something that's falling off the table, you'll always knock something more valuable down in the act.

Yard sales are like trash pickups, the only difference is how close to the road they are.

People are confusing, in winter you always keep your house as warm as it was in summer, the sad thing is, in the summer we complain a lot more.

People don't diss their father in laws because they pay for the wedding or your first house, that's why you never hear jokes about them.

Men should really listen to their wives, when they don't succeed they should do it the way the wives told you to in the first place.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four North Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.
Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
Old ladies can eat more than you think.
You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

If you let your smile be your umbrella, your a s s will get soaking wet in the end.

The only two things you do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

When you think about, in 40 years they'll be millions of old ladies running around with their sex tatoos, sorry that doesn't appeal to me.

Money will never make happiness, but its a lot more comforting to cry in a Prosche than a Kia.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead.

Kids pray for new bikes, why can't the see god doesn't work that way and steal one, and then ask for forgiveness?

Men and women sometimes wish they could drown their troubles, but they can't their spouses to go swimming with them.

The world is your stage, but you have no real fans, no audience, and no one to back you up when you forget the words.

I learned that when a synchronized swimmer drowns, the rest should do the same to say synchronized.

Number 2 pencils are the most popular but they still remain at number 2. :(

When you try to fail at something, but you end up succeeding, you really failed at failing, but then again you succeeded in failing at the same time. ugh this always confuses me! :(

Just because its called tourist season doesn't mean you can shoot at them (lil misfortune on my part :|)

The speed of time is 1 second per second :D

There is no other word for thesaurus.

You can be totally partial :S lol

When a man can stand firmly on the ground is the day girls see a man not get his pants down.

Buffalo wings have a very similar taste to chicken lol

When i'm lost in thought, it scares me. I'm not used to that territory.

Sometimes I feel diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Heh honk if you love peace and quiet is one of the best oxy morons ever hehe

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Another awesome oxymoron hehe

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! heh again!

Using invisible ink is risky, you never know when you're out of it :(

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just do not have film.

Barbie isn't as popular as you think, you have to buy her friends.

Eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines.

I need to stop having an open mind because my brain keeps falling out.

Choose the right mechanic, when he says he can't fix the breaks but he can make the horn louder, i suggest you leave now and don't absorb his stupidness.

Psychics who as your name is a clear sign they're not psychic.

Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The real tools of life...

Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.

Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.

Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.
Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.

If your wife is a sex object, then you know everytime you ask for sex she'll object.

Sex is not longer natural, they make books on how to do it.

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

People tired of idiots..

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

Stop messing around with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *** ordering it. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge azzhole.

Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back -- then they get bigger again)

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great' landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.

Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.

A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.
Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.

Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Gravity never loses -- the best you can hope for is a draw!

You start out flying with a bag of luck and a bag of experience, the trick is to get your bag of experience full before your bag of luck is empty.

Half-yearly sales happen every week.
A labour-saving device means you have to labour even harder to pay for it.

Getting home sooner to use the thing that gives you more leisure time cuts hours in a day to 20.
It's easier to identify someone by their voice than their looks.

Loneliness is a power failure.
Going out of business can be a mark of success.

Carefree travelling is now one of the scariest things we can do.

We learn more and more about less and less, then learn less and less about more and more till we know nothing about everything and everything about nothing. But our opinions are totally informed.

There are more and more items to choose from on which our life doesn't depend, and fewer and fewer that do.

Saving money by spending it is the second classic oxymoron.

That democracy is social equality is the first.
We're more aware that certain people will try to manipulate our outlook, but don't care if they succeed.

We can communicate with practically anyone on earth - except ourselves.

The smaller the world gets, the more we shut it out.

And the oddest thing of all is that real love still flourishes.

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"

"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."

Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.

It wasn't odd to have two or three "best friends."

Being old referred to anyone over 20.

The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn't matter.

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.

It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.

It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event

Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.

Nobody was prettier than Mom.

Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.

Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."

Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.

No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.

"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.

Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.

War was a card game.

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.

Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.

Ice cream was considered a basic food group.

Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.



There's a ton so... lol check ya later ♥

Answer 2

The Best Things In Life

Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Walk softly and carry a big carrot.

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

There's no such thing as too much candy.

All work and no play can make you a basket case.

A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

Some body parts should be floppy.

Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.

Good things come in small-sugarcoated packages.

The grass is greener in someone else's basket.

An Easter bonnet can cover the wildest hare.

To show your true colors you have to come out of the shell.

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

Answer 3

That Bad guys like the Dila lama, Nelson Mandela and Mother Theresa live(d) among us good fellas like myself, Hitler, Osama, Saddam and George Double-ya Bush.

Answer 4

I am not sitting down doing nothin. I am readig jokes. Check this out:

The first time I went to a drug store to buy condoms, I was waited on by a beautiful young woman.

She asked what size I wanted and I said I wasn't sure. So she asked now big I was and I said, "Compared to what?"

She held up one finger and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that."

Then she held up two fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm bigger than that."

Then she held up three fingers and asked if I was that big. I said, "I'm about that big."

She put the three fingers in her mouth and said, "You're a medium."

Answer 5

I dont get it! Why is it when your little you parents teach you how to walk and how to talk but when your older all you ever hear is sit down and shut the hell up Its so wrong.

Answer 6

Q: What did the paper towel say to the other paper towel?

A: "These people keep on ripping me off!"

Answer 7

life is cool . but if u expect fun then surf fun sites.

Answer 8

yahoo! answers is a waste of time

Answer 9

That my buttcheeks are married all these times!

Answer 10

If you sit down and do nothing while you're at work you still get paid for it.

IT people please don't tell on me.

Answer 11

i learned that with all the crap they've been through that may butt crack will be there through thick and thin=+D