I'm in a relationship with a guy who has 2 kids (both in twenties). He was divorced 17 years ago! Help?!?

Question

His daughter is dreadful, how do I deal with it?
She lies continually (told us her son needed operation and on another occasion said her partner was being abusive to her) , is manipulative and is always asking for money.
I'm alway's nice to her but can see the effect it has on him - do I say something? Keep quiet and just be there for him?
Her mum has told her I'm the reason for the marriage ending but this is totally untrue - I tried to talk to her about this but she just said it didn't matter. I was actually his first girlfriend, we split and he married her mum, I never saw him until the marriage ended - her mum does know this!

Answer 1

Do you love him? Is he a NICE guy? Does he love you? Is he capable of working WITH you through this? Do you trust him? Is he open and honest?
Answer yes to all these questions then it is time for the both of you to work towards YOUR future.
There comes a time in life when you have done your bit as a parent and it is now time to start putting yourselves first.
His kids are all adults (not very nice ones) and they will make their own decisions in life.
It sounds to me as though the kid's mother has "poisoned" them against their dad.
Most people make mistakes when in relationships. Where the caring, decent people differ is that they DO NOT involve the children in the reasons why they split. It's is not the children's fault that the parents divorced.
He's their dad and because of her nastiness she is keeping them from having a relationship with him.
There also seems a lot of anger there too on their mothers part so she is doing all she can to hurt him. Was he the cause of the divorce?
Build your own future with this man and ignore what they say.
As a decent person all you can do is to make sure he is there when his kids need him.

Answer 2

Just be there for him, he wont appreciate you slagging off his daughter. Is she actually doing anything to you? No? He needs to sort himself out. My dad changed when he met somebody, it wasn't the new girlfriend that I didn't like, it was my dads change in attitude. Tell him to have a think about the way he is, show her that she is still very important to him and it may change her outlook. Of course, telling porkies is not nice and I'm not condoning it but you have you ask why she is doing it - for attention most likely.

Also bringing up that you were there first isn't going to solve anything, in fact it will make the daughter resent you as you are saying that she shouldn't be here and she is in the way. It's just the way she would look at it even if its not true.

Answer 3

How does your partner feel about his daughter, lying to get his money? Is he aware of it? My advice to you, is to try to avoid the conversation. This isn't the type of advice I usually give, but on this one, I think you have to.

The problem is that you are in a situation, where you could be accused of influencing her fathers opinion, and pulling him away from his children (Classic evil step-mother). This could be why there is all this negativity, its a kind of jealousy on the part of his children.

If she is really bad, she might be trying to make sure that she gets some of his money before he dies, as she assumes you will get it otherwise. You should ask your partner to write a will, and explain to his children, like you would to younger children, that although he has a new partner, he still loves them very much.

The best thing to do, I think is to not talk badly of his children or ex wife, it will only make you look like the evil step mum, and kind of kill them with kindness. Its very hard to do nasty things to a nice person.

Answer 4

I would talk to him if I were you. Try to bring it up in a non-confrontational way though. If your relationship is based on honesty then it should be strong enough to handle this. If you don't talk about and end up bottling up your feelings it could just lead to more problems. If your partner decides he doesn't want to talk about it then fine, at least you've made an effort to try and resolve the issue and maybe he'll address it at a later date. He can still be kind to his daughter but just say no nicely when she asks for money.

Answer 5

Deep down in her heart you are an intruder into their family so she makes things happen this way with intentions to hurt you. All you have to do is to ignore and childish attitude. You know you are not their family wreacker and that's good enough. Don't give a damn of whatever other's may think otherwise you will be too busy getting upset. If she comes to you with her problems, just tell her politely that she needs a trained counsellor to handle as you may not be able to give her your best opinion and perhaps may make matters worst. Try not to make too many comments as it will only let her of opportunity to pick on you.

Answer 6

Thank goodness children get older and move on...so think of this as an aggravating, challenging...but temporary condition. No matter how bad it gets; your husband is still her father...and although it challenges your marriage...you are much better off allowing him to deal with it.

If you say something about his daughter to him; he may feel compelled to defend her to you...and you really don't want that. It doesn't mean you should roll over and play doormat...so protect yourself as best as you can...and let it run its course. Find a new interest and keep yourself busy and out of harm's way. Try to remain above the fray as best as you can. Your husband isn't stupid...he'll eventually see the light for himself.

Answer 7

i am in a relationship with a man also with two older daughters, i had those same problems the best thing to do id sit him down and explain how you feel and ask him to talk to his daughter as you think she needs someone to talk too and needs to be corrected as although she says it doesn't matter it will. it does take time though i have been with him now for over two years and his eldest daughter is still a bit funny with me but it is getting better all the time so perservier and don't let it get to you.

Answer 8

Unless your partner stop being abuse by her daughter by constantly making your life miserable. You have to voice your opinion, in a pleasant way not vindicted way. Your partner will and should be the one to protect you from his former family unless he do that then there is isnt much you can do.
For some, the relationship between step children can getter, but for some it continues from bad to worst. Goodluck to you.

Answer 9

It sounds like her mums nastiness is rubbin off on her, I would not recommend saying anything about this to her as she probably wont listen and it may fuel her mum to be more vicious all you can do is support your boyfriend in every way you can and let his kids know you are there for them if they want to talk or something. I know it may seem hard to do but there are not many choices in these kind of situations

Answer 10

She doesn't want to share her dad with you, & is jealous of you. She lies to get his attention & unless you say something to him she will keep doing it!!
Her mother is still bitter about the divorce & can't accept that he married you second time around!!
It's a funny thing with Mum's, they don't like to share their kids, at any age!! She's making sure that they don't like you.
Quite frankly they all need to grow up, they have their own lives & their Dad has his. You are all involved but, you have to speak to him & he has to stand up to her, stop him over compensating for the fact that he & her mum split up!!!

Get over it!!!

Answer 11

If I were you I would discuss it with him if you think the relationship is a long term one, tell him it unsettles you and don't worry about her thinking you are the reason for her parents split she will work it out in the end, that's if you stay around. In my experience it takes a long time for things to get easier and its a tough road so unless you're sure he's the one for you scarper now and give yourself time to heal before dating again.