Need help with alchoholic mother!!?

Question

I am an adult and have two small children. My mom has had a drinking problem for a long time, but won't admit it or do anything about it. I do not want her to drink around my kids, which I think is very reasonable. Today she called to invite me to dinner and when i got there with my kids, she was very drunk. I told the kids we were leaving and she got very upset. My oldest daughter didn't understand why we had to leave since we had just gotten there and started throwing a fit and crying and yelling for her grandma. It was very ugly and she squirmed out of my hands and ran to my mom and my mom didn't want to let her go so I could take her home. My mom told me I should just stay so my daughter would stop crying and "why was I doing this". It was very traumatic for my daughter and me and I have no clue where to go from here. What would you do if you were in this situation? :(

Thanks to all the great answers, esp celticwoman777...I did insist on leaving, loaded the kids up, and went home.

Answer 1

My wife is an alcoholic, she drank for more than 10 yrs out of our 34 yr marriage. Thankfully she accepted treatment just over a year ago, & has seen a full year of sobriety without relapse. Once a week we attend a support group at the treatment centre she was in. One for her, & I attend a separate group for the family members of recovering addicts. Every week I hear new stories that have parallell threads to yours. It all makes me very sad to hear, because I have lived it too. You are probably well aware that your mother will not seek help for herself until she hits her bottom. She needs to suffer consequenses for her drinking. You are quite right to keep your kids from being exposed to her drinking. My heart goes out to your kids, they missed out on a visit with Grandma, but you made the right choice. Perhaps a consequence that your mother would understand, & one that could help you avoid a repeat of the situation you described, would be for you to decline any future dinner invitations from Mom until she can demonstrate that she can be a sober Grandma. ie: seek treatment. Meanwhile there is a book that may help called "Co-Dependant No More" by Melodie Beatty. I so desperately want my answer to help you even if it's just a little bit. Take good care of yourself for your childrens sake, & I'll say a prayer for your Mom. LOL!

Answer 2

I cannot imagine the pain you must be feeling right now. I am so sorry that your mom is in such denial about being an alcoholic. As much as it will hurt you, your kids and your mom, I think the time has come for you to stay away from her for your sake and the sake of your children. Go see her without the kids. Tell her up front that you will no longer allow her to create problems for you and your family. That until she admits she is an alcoholic, gets treatment and stops drinking you have no choice but to stay away from her. I know it could get ugly when you tell her. But I think it's time. You need to have a healthy, wholesome environment for your kids. I know they love grandma and they will miss her. But you are their mother and you must do what is best for them. In the situation you describe I would have insisted she let go of my daughter and left. Children don't always have to know or understand why adults do things. But it is up to us to protect them. Being around an alcoholic who is actively drinking is not healthy for your children. I pray that you'll find the strength to do this and stick to it. And that your mom will go into treatment. That your family can be mended. God bless!

Answer 3

This is very tough, epecially where kids are involved. My mother in law is similar. I would suggest telling your Mom why you should break physical ties w/ her, talk only on the phone and keep the kids away 90% of the time. Tell her why. Ask if she wants to stop being so selfish and seek help or miss the many milestones of a grandchild's life. If your children are aware, let them talk to her and maybe make a bigger impact. Being drunk around children is plain old dangerous. Good luck.

Answer 4

No matter what, you are the mother of those to kids and nobody else. You have every right to say firmly that you do not want her around while she is drinking, you have no responsibility to spare her feelings in saying so. You need to be very plain and clear that she is not to drink around you or your kids, give her an ultimatum about it and remind her of it when she violates it whether she actually agrees to it or not. Alcoholism is something that is different for each family and hard to give blanket advice for. I would set up boundaries for behavior and consequences for such behavior like avoiding her until she decides to play by the rules you set. She is obviously not in control of herself, you need to step up and be in control over the aspects of this that you can such as your kids exposure to her. It very well may hurt all involved in this but it is for the best until she can get to a point she realizes she's pushing away her family.

Answer 5

I have a father in law of the same sort... Usually he is harmless and non-violent, I hope your mum is as well.

If I was you, I would have stayed and just keep an eye on your mum. If she talks a lot of nonsense, bear with it for the time being. End of the day, explain to your daughter that granny is drunk and some of the brain cells were "damaged" thus, is alittle nonsensical...

In fact, your daughter can also be the best tool to get your mum to quit. Get your daughter to tell her that she prefers her grandma when she is sober... that she will love granny even more if she quits drinking?

End of day, my advice is to take it easy... your mum means no harm to your daughter. Just keep an eye and try not to sweat it!:)

Answer 6

I feel for you.

You have to hold your ground, and let your mother know that the children will not stay any time she's drinking. Remind her of what you said when the situation arises again.

Your mom has a disease, and unfortunately she has to admit to having it before anything can be done. You can't fix her or make her better. You need to keep yourself healthy and sane.

Contact your local ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics--it'll be in the phone book) for support and assistance.

Answer 7

Ask her to be sober and not to drink the next time you visit just to show that she can if she wants to. If she can, tell her to do the same in the future. If she can't, its a pretty clear demonstration that it is beyond her control and therefore she has a serious problem to deal with.

Answer 8

You can leaver her alone, but she has to be the one who realizes she has the problem, she has to want to get help, you cannot make her it will not work. You could check on her, but if she is drunk tell her the trueth. (not in front of your kids) Let her no you would love to visit, just not when she is drunk. She will realize and admit it . Then get her in AA. I will pray for Y'all. Good Luck Alanon is for familys of alcoholics.

Answer 9

I have whitnessed a similar situation and i am sorry to sayit but there's litle hope of helping alcaholics when they don't realise tey have a problem, have you discussed it with her? drill it into her that she is harming herself and letting you down also make her feel ashamed and threatn to stop her from seing your children it should scare her to stop, failing that sh will drink herself into a coma

Answer 10

Next time, do not bring the children over to your mother's until she starts getting treatment for her alcoholism. It's not your mom's fault that she suffers from alcoholism, but it is her responsibility to get help. Keep your children safe--don't gamble with their safety.