ANY ONE HAVE ANY JOKES or RIDDLES?

Question

THANX

Answer 1

Sea Of Beer


Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth.

This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"

Answer 2

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get anxious, I take a sip." So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Next time, sip the vodka, don't gulp
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. David slew Goliath. He did not kick the sh*t out of him.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we do not say he was stoned off his *ss.
9. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
10. The recommended way to say grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yay God.
11. And lastly, the Virgin Mary should never, under any circumstances, be called "Mary with the cherry."

Answer 3

How do you get an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open the door and put him in.

How do you get a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open the door, take out the elephant, and put in the giraffe.

All the animals are having a meeting. Which animal is absent?
The giraffe.

You must cross an alligator infested creek, and have no boat. How do you cross?
Swim, the alligators are at the meeting.

The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."

What gets wet when drying?

If you were to spell out numbers, how far do you need to count to get to the letter 'a'?

This is a most unusual paragraph. This writing may annoy you until you find out why it is so unusual, for you won't find a solution instantly. But don't go into a tailspin about it or go crazy, for it isn't that difficult. But you will admit that it is most unusual. This writing looks so ordinary that you might think that nothing is wrong with it. And, in fact, nothing is wrong with it. But it is unusual, and you must ask why. If you study and think about it, you may find out why, but you must do it without any coaching of any kind. No doubt if you work at it for long, it will dawn on you...who knows? So start to study it now, and try your skill at finding out what is so unusual about this writing. If you can do it in half an hour, you may claim an approach to wisdom, but if you can't do it in half an hour...

Answer 4

A man tells his Blonde wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

Answer 5

Sign on company bulleting board: “This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying of the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.”

Answer 6

A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're what?!?"

Answer 7

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.



Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become
American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu, called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
Fu decided to return to China.

Answer 8

Why did the chicken cross the road...? It couldn't help it-- it was stuck to the bottom of the rhino's foot!

Answer 9

What do you call a stoner that doesn't inhail?

Mr. President

Answer 10

why did the monkey fal off the tree? it was dead