Can someone give me some good advice??? Serious only Please?

Question

I am in a very difficult situation. My sister-in-law died in child birth. My brother asked us to take the baby and adopt him and raise him as are own. We took Dalton home from the hospital, we named him. We even waited 2 years to legally adopt him, to make sure that it was really what my brother wanted. That was 8 Years ago. Dalton has known since he was 5 that he is adopted and who his biological mother and father are. We also let my sister in laws parents to be completely involved in his life. Now My problem. My brother married a lady last month that he met over the internet. They have only known each other for 3 months. She can not have children. So he has advised us he wants (HIS SON BACK). I contacted our attorney and he said there is no legal way my brother could get Dalton back. But we are affraid of the emotional strain it will put on everyone. especially Dalton. We aso decided not to have any more kids because we had 2. What Can We Do for the good of everyone.

I think I should mention that we live in California. And my brother and his new wife moved to Texas were she is from right after they married.

Answer 1

It would be TOTALLY wrong for the child to go back to his biologocal father.
You and your husband are his mom and dad, that is what he has been with day in and out.
I think you have done an extraordinary thing by taking him in and raising him, You also gave him plenty of time to change his mind.
Im am also glad to know that you did the adoption legally, it will prevent him from removing him.
Some decisions are made that have a "point of no return" your brther is past the point that he can change his mind.
Also at 8 a child has developed their personality, and knows the routines and securities involved in everyday life, They would be better off to adopt a young child that needs a home, and a child that would recognize them as their parents.
I would continue to let the sister in law parents see him, Im sure they would want him to continue in the stable environment you have provided.
Also just as a note , even in custody cases where a child is remved from one parents home into another parent, the judge usually orders extensive family counseling, for years, ocurt updates and only changes custody if one parent has totally screwed up ( like drugs, illegal etc)
I wish you the best you are doing the right thing by keeping him.
And I doubt his marraige will last, people cant make decisions involving kids on a whim.......or marraige

Answer 2

I don't know exactly what you should do, but I can only offer a suggestion.

You are very strong to take Dalton in the first place. I am glad to hear that Dalton knows he is adopted and his mother's parents are involved in his life. That helps him to know who he is and where he comes from.

As for your brother, it sounds like this lady he married is putting pressure on him. She found out that Dalton is his child and she decided that she wants him to live with them. She and your brother really have not thought about the emotional impact that can be placed on Dalton.

If I were you, and I'm not telling you this is what you should do, but I would not let Dalton be with your brother without you or your spouse being there. I'm not saying that your brother would do anything or kidnap him or anything, but he could start to put things in his head. He is at an age that he can be easily influenced.

You did a good thing by talking to your lawyer about the situation. If possible see if your lawyer can offer visitation options just in case you become fearful of your brother doing something to or with Dalton.

I wish you the best and I hope your family and Dalton will make it through this situation as a family without any heartache.

Answer 3

You know something, you all are just too nice. Dalton is your child and that's that. Talk about emotional strain. It would be worse than that if you gave Dalton up, You're his mom and dad and you've provided a stable home for him and tried to do everything right over that last 8 years. Don't change that. This just isn't right. It's not your fault that the woman your brother married can't have children. That is no justification for throwing your family up in the air. Maintain the status quo and listen to your attorney. They are being selfish and not looking at what is best for Dalton.

Answer 4

You and your husband are the only parents Dalton has ever known. You legally adopted him, there is no way your brother can get him back. Dalton should stay with you and your husband. You say " What can we do for the good of everyone". No, it should be what is best for the child, not everyone else.

Answer 5

When you adopted Dalton, you took him on as part of your family. I do not mean to belittle the situation by using this analogy but it is the best one that comes to my mind at this time.

My wife had a car that she wanted to sell. She had a friend of the family that needed a car and needed one cheap. She sold the car to him at a price that she would not have sold it to anyone else.

Now the time has come where she could really use that car again. The car was paid off and ran very well and was very dependable. The problem is that she SOLD the car to SOMEONE ELSE. Although it was once hers (and if we are being ficticious here she bought it new) and she bought it... it was her baby. It is not right of her to ask for the car back, even if the friend would sell it back to her for what she paid for it.

The same situation arises in this situation EXCEPT the car in the analogy didn't have feelings; it wasn't a living breathing being. In your case that is exactly what you have.

Now let's go over everything methodically and make decisions on each part of the situation to come to a conclusion that makes sense to everyone.

1. Your brother ALLOWED you custody of Dalton. If the mother died and the father was still alive he was the custodian of the child and therefore he would have to give up his right to the child when you adopted him. Eight years ago he made A CHOICE to have YOU raise HIS son. The boy WAS his; he turned over his rights to the child and gave them to you.

2. He met someone on the internet. Whether he met someone on the internet, a bar, church, or wherever is irrelevant. So scratch that part out.

3. They have only known each other for three months... again there is no relevancy here so there is no reason in even saying how long he has known this woman he married.

4. Your brother married someone who cannot bear children but yet they (or at least HE) wants children. I can be almost positively sure he knew she was barren before he married her and that was a choice he had to make when he decided he was going to make her his bride.

5. He ''wants his son back''. This is vague, so I am not sure exactly what you mean because you also say you let the sister-in-laws parents be completely involved in his (Dalton's) life. Very admirable.That would lead me to conclude that unless there were extenuating circumstances you also let your brother be a part of Dalton's life as well and he should be proud to call Dalton his son even if he is not raising him and you should understand that he has the right to be able to be his father even if he gave the baby up for adoption. This does NOT mean however; that just because there are circumstances that have changed in his life that things change on a whim.

6. You are concerned for Dalton. I can understand this completely. He is 8-10 years old now and you can sit him down at the table and talk to him as an adult even though he is far from being one; there are times when life makes a child become an adult faster than what they want to be. The most strain you can put on a child is confusion, and laying out exactly what has happened (which it sounds like you have) and what is happening now will actually be more beneficial to him in the long run then keeping things from him and letting him find out later.

7. Your attorney says there is no way your brother can get him back. Indeed your lawyer, to make you feel better is about 99% correct but not positive in what he says. If your brother can find that you are unfit parents to Dalton then he can have you and your husband removed from custody of the child (forcefully) and then the father can then file for custody of the child... very very unlikely to happen, but I have heard of stranger things.

8. What to do. You have to talk to your brother and let him know in no uncertain terms what he is doing not only to you and your family, Dalton, and probably even the parents of his dead wife, but what he is doing for and to himself. I hate to be blunt and say Dalton is a product of someone who is no longer here and a product of your brother's past. If your brother and his new wife really want children so bad he would rip his family apart and the ties he has (if any) with his former wife then so be it. What I would do if I was in your shoes is to let your brother know there are tens of thousands of babies that need a good loving home and you know the kind of loving person he is. Turn this negative into a positive. Help him and his new wife adopt a baby of their own and make a new family totally devoid of his former life. There are many reasons for this.
1. They are helping the baby that is orphaned.
2. They are helping themselves with a new baby.
3. They know Dalton is in good hands as he always has been.
4. What if they divorce? The divorce rate for internet couples is incredibly high. I do hope and pray everything goes well with them and they live a long happy life together, but IF it were to happen what would happen to Dalton if he were to go through being ripped out of his home and then having to go through a divorce....

Good communication and POSITIVITY are what are needed here. No matter how mad or unreasonable your brother gets you need to stand your ground. You have everything on your side and he has a new life to start... and that should start with a new everything.

Good luck to you and may God be with you always.\\

If you wish to contact me
http://www.zelo.com

Also I have a store that sells personalized items on there. Tell me who you are and I will send Dalton something for free.

Answer 6

You did a wonderful thing by taking him in as your own and after all this time for your brother to want him back,
that is ridiclous. You took the baby home from the hospital and have gave him a home and been his parents for 8 years. You also involve his Mother's family in his
life which is a great thing for you to do and she would appreciate that so much, he on the other hand is being
a little ungrateful and a bit selfish, not considering the
fact that he's had a home and family for 8 years, now he
wants to remove him from his home and family. Has he
had any involvement in the child's life up till now? I don't
think you'll have to worry about his legal rights as his father because he gave that up when he adopted him to
you.

Answer 7

1). Perhaps calling a family meeting, and get a child Counsellor or Psychology to explain how your brother's decision will affect his son for the rest of his life if he do this now.

2). If your brother ignore all those advise, then it is obvious he will not be thinking of Dalton but himself. Therefore, save yourself and your inlaws heart eache. Dalton will make that decision for you guys.

If Dalton really is attached to yous and your inlaw, your brother will soon face problem with him and rethink his decision.

All the best.

Answer 8

This is a tough one. My recommendation is to let him spend time with "his" son..... a little here and there. Just see how things go. Let them develop a relationship of their own. Tell your brother that this is a good way to give everyone time to adapt to his request and that after six months... a year... whatever..... you can all sit down and make a decision. But I would also recommend a counselor get involved and help "your" son get involved in this decision too. He may only be 8 but he has a mind of his own, and with an impartial person like a counselor to help him make a decision or get reinvolved with your brother.... he may want to stay with you or reconnect. The important thing is not to make an immediate decision, get professional support for EVERYONE so that no matter what the outcome is at least everyone can try to get along and YOU can say that you did your best!
Good luck!!!

Answer 9

What's best for Dalton?? You are the only parents he has ever known. I think he should stay with you. They need to adopt if they cannot have their own. I am adopted and I gave one up for adoption. I have been reunited with both my biological mother and my biological daughter. I would never dream of asking her parents to 'give her back'. It is wrong of them to do that to you.The good of everyone does not count here. Dalton's well being and you as the people who has loved him as your own are the only ones that count. He is YOUR SON.

Answer 10

Don't worry about it. Dalton is yours...Am sure that your brother should have asked that question before he marries her. They can adopt if they want. I personally think that they should get a dog first.