Can any body tell me a funny joke?(12 points)?

Question

The funniest gets all the points

Answer 1

Why did the furniture salesman take six backless chairs to the doctor's
office?
Because the doctor wanted to get a stool sample


What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers?
A wedding.


The policeman said, "What is your name?"
"Shut up!"
The policeman replied, "Are you looking for trouble?"
"Yes!"
The policeman fumed, "Where are your manners?"
"In the toilet."


Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become
American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu, called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
Fu decided to return to China.


What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.

Answer 2

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get anxious, I take a sip." So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Next time, sip the vodka, don't gulp
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. David slew Goliath. He did not kick the sh*t out of him.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we do not say he was stoned off his *ss.
9. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
10. The recommended way to say grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yay God.
11. And lastly, the Virgin Mary should never, under any circumstances, be called "Mary with the cherry."

Answer 3

A truck driver is driving down a road when he sees a priest hitch-hiking. He thinks to do a good deed and pulls over to give the priest a lift. "thank you my son" says the priest. A little while down the road, the truck driver sees a lawyer on the side of the road. He hates lawyers, so starts swerving his truck towards him. Just before hitting him, he realizes that he has a priest in his truck and that he should not do this and pulls away just in time. He still hears a 'thunk-thunk' and sees the lawyer rolling down the road. He turns to the priest and says "Father, I'm sorry but..." the priest interrupts and says "don't worry my Son. I got him with the door".

Answer 4

*** this is a guys joke.. since you're a guy (ryt?) u can use this joke. i thought it was funny. my best friend sent it to me. enjoy!!


I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me,as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This personally happened to me at the mall, and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car asyou are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and soapy water with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Mall. If you agree, they will get in the back seat fast. On the way, they start having sex with each other.
Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday and also yesterday. I'm on my way to the store to buy more wallets.

Be careful

Answer 5

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's
type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was
approached by one of the good-
looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked
at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls

Answer 6

Once there was a priest, Liberian, and a army man on a plane about to crash. they each had to drop there heaviest thing, the priest drooped his biggest Bible, the Liberian drooped her biggest book, and the army man drooped his biggest bomb. Well the plane still crashed. They all got to the ground safely, they saw 2 little girls crying and 1 little boy laffing. The priest and the Liberian went to the girls and the army man went to the boy. The priest asked"way are you crying?"cause I said a swear and god dropped a bible on me. The Liberian up to the other one and said"way are you crying?"caues I said I hated to read and the Liberian or all Liberians dropped a book on me. Then the army man went up to the boy who was laffing, the army man said" way are you laffing?" cause my dad farted and BLOW UP HOUSE!

Answer 7

A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're what?!?"

Answer 8

yingee walks into a resturunt and orders food wen the waiter give him the bill he give him his credit card a lil while later the waiter comes back and says ur credit card is no good yingee says neither was the food

Answer 9

A preist says he remembers a specific card he recieved from his children on his 65th birthday: "On the cover it said, Inside lies a message from God." he says that he felt so happy that his children had finally become appreiciative of his work. when he opened the card it said "See you soon!"

Answer 10

Firm It Up

One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.

With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.