Does anyone one have any good clean jokes?

Question

I really need a good laugh! All i've been doing is mopping around.

Answer 1

Where Is God?

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.

So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer.

So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"


The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

Answer 2

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get anxious, I take a sip." So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Next time, sip the vodka, don't gulp
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. David slew Goliath. He did not kick the sh*t out of him.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we do not say he was stoned off his *ss.
9. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
10. The recommended way to say grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yay God.
11. And lastly, the Virgin Mary should never, under any circumstances, be called "Mary with the cherry."

Answer 3

directions: read these outloud


(English Phrase) I think you need a facelift

(Chinese Phrase) Chin Tu Fat



(English Phrase) Are you hiding a fugitive?

(Chinese Phrase) Hu Yu Hai Ding?



See me A.S.A.P.

Kum Hia Nao




Stupid Man

Dum Gai




Small Horse

Tai Ni Po Ni




Did you go to the beach?

Wai Yu So Tan?




I bumped into a coffee table

Ai Bang Mai Ni




It's very dark in here

Wai So Dim




This is a tow away zone

No Pah King




You are not very bright

Yu So Dum




I got this for free

Ai No Pei




I am not guilty!

Wai Hang Mi?




Please stay a while longer

Wai Go Nao?




They have arrived

Hai Dei Kum.




Stay out of sight

Lei Lo




He's cleaning his automobile

Wa Sing Ka.




Your body odor is offensive

Yu Stin Ki




I thought you were on a diet?

Wai Yu Mun Chig

Answer 4

Police on the 405 freeway today stopped a vehicle for erratic driving, removed the driver due to a strong odor of marajuana eminating from the vehicle and upon searching the driver, who is five and a half feet tall and 250 lbs, discovered a small plastic bag with the drug, hiding within the folds of fat at his abdomen. Police charged him with having a pot belly.

Answer 5

Why did the chef cross the road?--He was cooking the chicken.
A man was driving through the county side when he ran over a rooster right in front of the farmer who owned it. The man pulled over, got out of the car and said to the farmer, " I'm really sorry I ran over your rooster and I'd liked to replace him". The farmer just stares at him awhile, then answers, " All right,feller, just go round the barn, you'll find the chickens in the back..."

Answer 6

how to amuse a blonde:
put 'please turn over" on both sides of the paper

.how to confuse a blonde:
give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to put them in alphabetical order

how to drown a blonde:
put a stratch n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool

there's 2 ladies at this bar watching the 6 o'clock news. one lady is a redhead and the other a blonde.
as they're watching, there's a guy about to fall off a cliff.
the redhead says "i bet you that guy is going to fall"
the blonde "ok"
the guy falls
the blonde "here's your money"
the redhead "i have to b honest with you, i saw this on the 5 o'clock news"
the blonde "well so did i but i never thought the guy will do it again"
answer: it was re-run

there's two blondes who jus got through shopping. as they walk out one notices she has left the key in her car. she panics to find something to use to open the car door. she uses a hanger from her clothes. as one is tryin to open the door, the other says "hurry up, its about to rain and the top is down on the car!!"
answer: the key is in the car seat and the top is down. they can jus reach over and grab it.

Answer 7

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become
American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu, called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
Fu decided to return to China.


The policeman said, "What is your name?"
"Shut up!"
The policeman replied, "Are you looking for trouble?"
"Yes!"
The policeman fumed, "Where are your manners?"
"In the toilet."


What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers?
A wedding.


Why did the furniture salesman take six backless chairs to the doctor's
office?
Because the doctor wanted to get a stool sample

Answer 8

why is 6 afaird of 7? because seven eight (ate) nine

Answer 9

why did the chicken cross the road.
To date

Answer 10

once a boy wanted to take a shower with his dad.so he asked.dad can i take a shower with you?he said ok,but dont look at my limousine(private spot).the next day he wanted to take a bath with mom.so he asked.mom,can i take a shower with u?she said yes,but dont look at my garage(private spot).
later on the boy said 'mom open the garage so dad could put his limousine in'
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why are black people so tall??
cuz their nee-grows