HELP need advice on mother-daughter relationships?

Question

my daughter gets mad at me if i buy something for the boys (her 2 younger brothers that live at home) that she didn't get when she was little. she is 28 yrs old and lives with her gf who pampers her to death and treats her like a baby. she keeps trying to put me on guilt trips because we were poor when she was little. i can't help it. i did the best i could and give her everything that i could and what i couldn't give material wise i tried to make up for with love. she is breaking my heart. i call her but she doesn't have much to say. i go see her, take her out and do things but she won't call me. she won't come to see me and i feel like it is just me making an effort and she don't. i tried to talk to her about it and she just gets mad. i imagine that her gf is telling her stuff like "why didn't she do that for you" etc...trying to keep us at a distance because she is truly that jealous of anyone that is around my daughter. you can't say anything about that either or she gets mad. my daughter has a lot of potential but barely scrapes by either because she is too jealous to work less than 5 miles from her gf or visa-versa and thats not my problem. she is being held back regardless but then if their light bill needs paid or if she needs to go to the doctor, then she calls good ole mom to the rescue. i'm not a nagging mother that complains that her kids don't call but is it fair that she just calls on me to bail her out of her situations of her own making and then try to put me on guilt trips over doing for the boys. so i have quit calling or visiting her thinking she might get the message. its been 3 months and nothing. the boys have talked to her making the effort as i did but not even a "tell mom i said hello" nothing.
what can i do. i am not rich by no means but even if i was i would not try to buy her love

Answer 1

I also have a daughter with those types of feelings. I have basically two families. I had two of my kids when I was twenty and three when I was thirty. We were not really poor. My kids were healthy, fed, and clean. When my second set of kids came along I was more financially secure. One of my older daughters never could get past the fact that my younger children had a little more than her. I tried to talk to her etc. She however kept going with the bad feeling. There is nothing you can do but let go and let God. Don't let the devil take your joy! Know that you did the best that you could do and be satisfied.

Answer 2

It sounds like she is having some serious resentment issues, seeing you with your sons and how much better they have it than she did. She may feel that you love them more because you made the effort to support them better than you did her. I realize she is of an age to know that is not the case, but sometimes you can't help the way you feel. I imagine her gf lets her feel how she wants and that makes your daughter think its okay or maybe even that she's right. I think she needs to be able to go to you for things so if you can do it I wouldn't stop helping her with bills. Nor would I use it as a bargaining chip. As a daughter who lost her mother, I must advise that you remain there for her! And by all means I wouldn't discuss her gf too much, you two certainly don't need anything else to disagree about. Consider sending her an email or a greeting card (don't even put a return address on it so it catches her off guard) and fill it with as much love and compassion and true feelings (MINUS the gf!) as you can fit with your handwriting, and let her know you'll always be there for her, and that mothers are forever, good and bad. I really hope you two are able to work this out before it becomes too late.

Answer 3

I think you should really write your daughter about your feelings. Tell her that you love her, tell her about your fears, and what is it that she does which makes you feel so hurt. In these situations conversations usually don't help, because noone ever listens, or she would just try to say it is not true, or things of the sort... Email wouldn't help much either, because she wouldn't carefully read it, and then she would most probably delete it. Letters have emotional value, handwriting expresses the mind and the soul. Even if she doesn't see what she's done to you now, she would later. And this letter will be like an earring on her ear. Everytime she looks in the mirror, she would see it ;) Make sure you write her everything you want to tell her. This will be a relief for you too. I hope my advise is worth following. After all, she loves you back, I'm sure. She is just not ready to show it...

Answer 4

Sound like your daughter has a problem. 28 yrs old is to old to be acting like a spoiled baby. Try writing her a note. Tell her how you feel and how she makes you feel. Don't make the letter all negative. Tell her how much you love and miss her and how you want to have a relationship with her. It is not always give and take. Maybe she will let you know what is really going on inside her and why she resents you so much. Sounds like there is much more going on inside her than you know. Maybe you both need to sit down and talk to each other. Why not set up a mother and daughter afternoon in your home. No shopping, just lunch or dinner. Just take one step at a time.
But I would start with a letter.
Good luck :)

Answer 5

She has some growing up to do. She very well may need to seek counseling. Doesnt sound like she was deprived when she was young. And she is still getting stuff from mom when needed. You raised her the best that you could and she need to let you raise your boys now. Shes grown up and needs to move on without relying on mommy. Sounds like she is using that "buy the boys stuff" as an excuse to make you feel guilty so when she needs the help, you automatically do so- not only out of love but out of guilt. Write her a letter, explaining how you feel. Things are much better said in a letter than on phone or in person-- wont get interrupted. Im not exactly in your situation, but I think I would make her grow up by not helping her out with money anymore. You've done your job, now she needs to do hers. Let her be responsible for herself. Pray alot. Good luck

Answer 6

Well I have had to same problem but dealing with my son. I didn't do anything to him and he is getting mad at the world. I have sat him down and just yelled at him as if he was little again. He is to be 27 in Sept. Now my daughter had issues as well but once she gave birth to her son she is calling me non stop. My son at this point is jealous because of the calls. So my question is does the boys have kids. That will make her even more upset. With my son I just didn't call him...now that he has his son he needs this and that and I just told him sorry I am tapped and I let him try to live without my help....tough love mom. I posted a link to help you it is a resource for you to check out for parents that are having problems and addresses some tough love. There are stories that it doesn't always work but this link maybe of help to you...my best to whatever you decide.

Answer 7

I understand exactly where your daughter is coming from because the same things happen to me... the difference is that I realize that when I was younger my mum did the best she could with me and now that she can do better, she does. It doesn't mean she loves me any less, it means the circumstances have changed.... also, I am almost 30 and am married, my younger siblings live at home. I grew up, it's time for your daughter to do the same. You need to stop bailing her out of her mess everytime she needs you, sometimes you need to fail a little before you succeed. You are not bank of mom. Next time she starts in on you, let her know that you understand what she is saying, but appreciate the fact that she is a grown up and can now provide for herself. She is forgetting that at one time you bought her things and did things for her that you didn't do for your other children.

Answer 8

Wow. I hate to say it, but you've got one ungrateful daughter. Unfortunately, there isn't anything you can do. Do not pay for her doctor bills or phone bills. You're not her private ATM machine. For your own sanity, you're going to need to build a thick hide. The fact is, things have changed immensely since your daughter was her brothers' age. Some of the things the boys have she couldn't have because they weren't so readily available (like cell phones). If she isn't mature enough to handle reality, that is her problem. You did your best to instill her with common sense and self esteem, but sometimes it isn't enough for some reason. Allow your daughter the opportunity to make her mistakes, accept the consequences of her actions and to grow up. It isn't easy, but it will help you. Also, don't put the boys in the middle. This has nothing to do with them. Love them, nurture them, and instill in them a sense of independence and charity.

Answer 9

You can't please everyone all the time, and a daughter like this you can't please for very long...I am sure she is your best friend when you do something generous for her but soon forgets the favor in a blink of the eye...or is it roll of the eye...You can never give her to much and it will always be not enough, unfortunately, this needy behavior will spill over into her friendships too...it may not end until she has her own children and realizes whats really important in life isn't material things but love and kindness...good luck...continue with the love and kindness, don't worry about not giving her enough material things...that's not the most important issue here..blessings.

Answer 10

First of all your daughter needs to grow up and take care of herself. If you keep giving her money she never will. Second, just because you CAN give your sons more things than you could your daughter doesn't mean you SHOULD. I can see your daughter's point about that not being fair. I think you are feeling guilty about it and that's why you keep giving her money. Stop. You've paid for your mistake and tried to make up for it. Now the ball is in her court and if she doesn't return it then that's her mistake.