how much does sexual attraction play in relantionships?

Question

I am dating a wonderful man, who has all the quailties any1 would want in another. He just bought a house, and has a good career(CPA). The man treats me like a spoiled princess. We get along very well. Him and I also want the same type of relantionship. We both want a ltr, marriage and children. The only problem is I feel no sexual desire for him. My question is, will this change? I have had terrible relantionships prior, could this be playing a factor? Maybe I am afraid to fully give myself to him? I do NOT want 2 break it off. I know I would be a fool to do so. Any advice?

I would like to add, I have my own career going on. Money isnt a issue, if you make your own, etc. Us women, like a man who can support his self.

Answer 1

well attraction--plays a big part(especially at the beginning)-- first ask yourself --are you looking for something else-?-if the answer is yes--then it is going to be an uphill battle -----to lose that freedom of choice and want within you-and give fidelity to someone who is not quite the right chemistry for you. my /can be difficult

--second--in some asian countries(many) people have this view--in a rough translation--it goes like this--it is better to be married to someone you don't have the love feelings for in the sense of attraction -----------------------than to be the one who does have the love feeling attraction for the other---

which meANS(IN LONGER VIEW)------- --if you have to choose a relationship --choose the first one--you will have a happier --stronger life and have a more life which is fulfilled (perhaps not in grandiose love terms--but in content and comfort etc etc)---in other words(as mercenary as it sounds)--if you are thinking long term and stability--and you can do it--make it so you are the one wanted in the relationship--that way--it is much more difficult for you to get hurt or feel slighted and you will be able to have a good future(house etc---) and you can be a good person with a good life family etc---- and still have fun in your way--its hard to translate exactly--but that is kind of close--and it is a strong mind set in asia(that is why you see many younger people (women) with older men)-they look for the stability--and that is number 1-the rest they can work out----so what and how do you think is something to think about.
there is nothing wrong with either choice--it is just how you percieve and want to be--

three-an example---a friend of mine is getting married soon--i think she is a nice girl--a bit selfish and mercenary(partly cultural)--but at first she did not lke the man--eventually--she started to think about it--friends and family liked him(i thought he was a preety good guy -he was ok--not the best -not the worse--a good heart--kind--etc)--but she didn't feel the attraction to him--however--i know also she is kind of young(25--not sure your age--i think close though)and she had just suffered a huge rejection a year earlier--and was--in a moody mood scenario--so she had pre concieverd negatives to the guy-slowly these have faded--and she began to see him as a nice caring guy--and now i think she likes being spoilt(yes she is )by him--and i think he likes (loves) her enough--he likes doing it--he doesn;t feel used--he wants to marry her--it is obvious--and both families know--and she knows-----she knows he likes her-- but over time she has began to accept him--and her attraction is growing--what happend(i think) is that she knew he liked her in all this dating time--so she had power --in the knowledge of his want--but was still angry and thought he was silly--etc etc--these negatives she used-to belittle his view of her--and to for her to look down on him--in the sense of long term----rarther than look at him honestly for who he really was--with out all htese moods and power scenarios----it took time--but eventually she is or has began to drop the secenarios-she accepts him and the marriage scenario much more so now---the walls just had to come down slowly---and i think they will be a happy couple--and yes in some ways she does have the power still--but it has shifted--also giving up that power--is sometimes hard--it opens a person up--so that was also difficult to give away

it seems to me-- you like and enjoy the scenario and times within your realtionship---and you are attracted to the situaton--but it is not really the picture in the view of looks and possible prescence of man you imagined-- so perhaps --it is better if you took away from the imagined scenarios of yours and looked at him honestly--with out a Brad pitt or old lover--super male model--or tough guy james dean imagines or past life personnas or whoever which is the image in the background than you may be cpmparing him too--see him whole--and then yourself whole--with him-without him--then the future--and the now--perhaps that might lead to more acceptance or at least truth--and the real thing--it is easy to put up blocks--but can be very difficult to let people in--especially when they don't quite match the dream or come matched point for point-with the qualities that you liked in others-however-the point is--see them without comparisons--this is their truth-and yours-- i think so anyway

--give it time--and thought--but open--thought--not closed--if you know what i mean-
good luck
]cheers

Answer 2

WOW - your situation sounds exactly like mine. My boyfriend and I live together and both have great careers and he treats me wonderfully. For some reason, I never have any desire for him. I used to at the beginning of the relationship, but it's been less than a year and that sexual desire has already faded.

I know this is not normal by any means. I wish I had answers for you, but I wonder the same things myself. Should I stay with him because he treats me great, my family loves me, etc? Or should I find someone else that I have more chemistry with?

I have been with guys in the past who I had wonderful chemistry with but they treated me terribly.

This is a really tough decision. A friend once asked me which was more important, to love or be loved? There is always, always one person in a relationship who loves the other more. Do you want to be the one who is loved, or the one who loves and doesn't get as much back? Will you be unhappy if you stay with him, or will you just be content? Are you staying with him only because it's a good decision? These are questions you should ask yourself before you make any decisions.

As far as making yourself be attracted to him, there are only so many things you can do. Try new things that make you feel sexy about yourself. Instead of trying to make yourself be sexually attracted to him, focus on things that make YOU feel sexy. It's what works for me!

Good luck!

Answer 3

Honey I have to be honest with U, if there is no sexual attration now, THERE NEVER WILL BE. It is not something that will develope. I have been in a simular situation and no matter how hard i tried I just couldn't imagine him in that way.
We decided to remain friends. But it was better to tell him early on then to prolong it. Which is what U should do, just talk too him. It's gonna hurt him, there is NO WAY around that, but U've got to true to Urself. 9 outta 10 relationships begin with a physical attraction, that's just life. But continuing to stay in a relationship where there is no physical connection is only prolonging things. I understand that looks fade and U have to really have something with someone on a deeper level but even though sex is NOT the most important thing in a relationship, there again it is STILL important. Don't stay with this guy because he's better to U than any other man, or because he takes care of U or even because he loves U. If U don't have those feelings U NEVER WILL.
Do him and Urself a favor and just be good friends.

Answer 4

No. I think the attraction needs to be there in the beginning. I think you can certainly live without it. I think you'll develop love, but not attraction.

Attractions not a huge deal. I just think that when it comes to being intimate.....I want to be attracted to the guy and if you're not, that's something you'll have to over ride (Mentally).

Honestly, maybe this isn't the guy for you. Give it awhile. Think it over. However, part of marriage is having sex - and as they say a woman's sex drive often diminishes after marriage. If you don't feel lustful for him before the wedding, that's not a good sign. -Which you know, or you wouldn't be asking this question.

I would ask myself if I thought I could do better (as a whole)? (If I could find another guy with the same if not better qualities...and better looks.) If the answer is yes, then move on. If the answer is no, then see if you can get over this.

There's no secret to it. Just close you eyes and dream of some hot guy/actor. Do it in the dark. Lots of foreplay. You'll just have to make an effort.

Answer 5

At first sexual attraction is very important, but the more you get to know and love someone the less it matters because there is more to it, and the "more" matters more. If you like him for who he is and he can satisfy you sexually without the attraction then it gives you release but you wont turn it into a sexual relationship. If you cant seem to focus on the more important areas of the relationship and you think that your not being attracted to him is getting in the way then you didn't truly have feelings for him and you should call it off before you both get so far along that it becomes impossible to get out. Its really inside yourself where you must get the answer, I can only give you guidance. Ask yourself: "Do I really love or can I love this man, or am I only sticking with it because of what he represents but doesn't embody?" Talk to him and see how he feels about you, be honest and force yourself not to be hurt by anything said just think about it and consider. Also if you are not attracted to him sexually, and you find yourself constantly looking at other men wishing you had them, you are either hiding other feelings about him and perceiving them as a lack of sexual attraction or you are afraid of committing at all or with him at this time.

However you fix the situation or get out of it I wish you luck and hope for the best for both of you.

Answer 6

You must have a physical as well as emotional attraction in order for a relationship to work. The things you have described you have in common are what most people want when they settle down.

Passion is the spark that makes a relationship go, I think this person has all the money, security and kindness things you want, but not the passion. Passion cannot be taught, it just is.

You mentioned a fear of relationships, this could be inhibiting the passion you may have for this man or you are running to him because he is a safe harbor.

You need to learn more about yourself before you settle down. Seek therapy to help you on this journey.

Answer 7

Yeah, I totally understand I'm in a marriage of 4 years, to someone I have no sexual attraction too. But he is the best man I have ever known, like the guy described in your question.. I was told maybe to start by laying with hI'm and touching but not in specific sexual areas and that might stir up some feelings I cant leave my guy because I do love him.. So im hoping this work for me and you... good luck

Answer 8

Unfortunately, people are shallow, whether we want to admit it. Attraction IS important and unless you find your mate sexually attractive is SOME way, you'll end up feeling like you're whoreing yourself for material possessions. If you like being "spoiled" then learn to live with it, I guess. But if you want to truly find that soul mate, the one who encompasses the looks, job and morals, you can't settle for a man just because he's nice and has a little money. Those are a dime a dozen.

Answer 9

well for me. the chemistry the excitement of a man who turns me on just by walking into the room is great. It's hot and make me forget little silly things that come along in a relationship. Before I married I was dating a guy I had very little sexual attraction to and I knew that I would get bored and cheat on him eventually. I left him for my husband (we're divorced now) who even now turns me on.

It depends on what u want. I'm like the movie I like it hot.

Answer 10

Without wishing to sound unfair, I think he really is "spoiling" you. It is hard to feel "desire" when your every wish is being met, so you desire for nothing!

You can't make desire happen. It grows in your gut. Your relationship needs to change before your feelings for him will change. You might be afraid of letting go, because you have been hurt before. He needs to tone down the spoiled princess routine.

If you trust each other, everything will be OK.

Answer 11

There are probably some underlying issues in your relationship. Part of it could be your previous relationships, but if you love him the physical part will come. (forgive the pun) Maybe consider talking to a counciler about WHY you don't have the desire for him. It might help!