My 13yr old is depressed because my husband does not allow him to act like a teen, any advice?

Question

My husband is very spiritual and does not allow our kids to watch anything with profanity in it, or that has any kind of sexual reference to it. He doesn't even allow them to watch some disney shows that show a guy and a girl kissing at the prom or whatever. My brother wanted to take my son to see spiderman 3 and x-men and my husband objects to those kind of movies. My family thinks that it is going to affect the kids in the long run because he is being to much of a control freak, and he is overly bearing. This is a constant strain in our relationship because I have seen what being overprotective can do to children. My niece grew up with overly religious parents who acted just like my husband. Now that she is 18, she has moved out and now is shacking up living with some boy, curses worse than a sailor, and had a pregnancy scare once or twice! Her brother had a baby out of wedlock! I think that my husband needs to relax, What do you think?

I'm coming into this marriage with four children from a previous marriage, and my husband is wonderful enough to love them as his own. However, I can't really approach him with how my son is feeling because he gets furious! I am also very spiritual, but I do not see the need in having our kids live in lala land when they are going to encounter these things sooner than later in the real world. I'm only on here to get people opinions, I know that ultimately I am going to have to talk to my husband about this again....

Answer 1

Well, my advice may be a bit void seeing as I AM a thirteen year old myself, but I do think your husband needs to lighten up just a tad. It is great that he is trying to keep his children away from such things, but in the end they'll see and hear worse and it's better for him in the long run to at least understand his limits. If he is not allowed to watch kissing on TV, can you imagine what strain he'll be under when he sees people making out in the halls in school? (and no matter what school you go to, Public or otherwise, it happens.)

I do understand drawing the line, though. XMEN THREE got very racy and had major sexual references. (come to think of it, Spiderman had some too).

And what happens when he hits highschool, where pregnancy and oral sex are a commonplace? 1 in 4 girls has engaged in some sort of sex by the time she's in twelfth grade! And all this occurs during a time of rebellion - he'll do anything the OPPOSITE of what his "overbearing parents" say.

I think your husband means well, but needs to tone things down just a little. Disney has NO offensive material. At all. (the worst I've ever seen was the slinky dress on Kim Possible. But it's a CARTOON!) And most movies made today are, depsite some sexual references, enjoyable! What will happen when he starts dating and can't take his girlfriend to see a movie? It's all about limits when you're his (and my) age, but it's also all about self-discovery. Give him some room to manuever and become comfortable with himself. It'll be good in the long run.

Answer 2

If your husband wants to protect your kids, he should teach them discernment. Then they will be able to make good decisions on their own and when they are on their own he won't have to worry, and neither will you. But you're right; keeping things too tight will make kids explode. I think if they aren't exposed to anything, they will be more curious and therefore more vulnerable.
My father is a pastor, and he keeps a close eye on us. But he taught me what is right and wrong, and he doesn't have to worry when I want to go see movies with my friends, because he can trust me. Keeping things too strict will also hurt the trusting relationship between a kid and his parents.
Please be careful about using the words spiritual and religious. My relationship with Christ is not a religion, and I do the things I do because I love him and want to please him. Your husband may be in a similar situation; trying to do God's will. But you're right; he does need to relax. Sometimes the desire to do what's right all the time can get in the way of doing God's will, and I don't think taking every picture of the world away from a person is God's will for anyone.
I mean, make sure he's not going out drinking and having sex every night, but a few OMFG's shouldn't hurt a person too much.

Answer 3

Your children are yours - it's wonderful that he loves them like his own, but ultimately YOU are their mother. When faced with a controlling parent every child will rebel, and what I've seen is that the overly religious parent pretty much means the kid is going to take things really far (like your niece). You know when a parent gives a kid allowance to teach them how to deal with money? This is the same thing - allow your kid to make mistakes, make his own choices, and he will learn and grow. He'll never learn anything if you don't, then you'll send him out into the world and he won't know how to function.

Answer 4

Yea, give him some breathing space and some
room to think in and just leave him alone for a coulpe of hours,let him be the young man that he needs to be.by
the way you can't trap him like a cat or a dog, he
needs to think about his future but you can guide him
to the next best step the disney channel is a great thing
to watch but not to much even to much t.v. is not good
for him,so here's what your hubby can do be a man and
teach your son how to play baseball or basketball even
other game's.

Answer 5

They are your children too. Your husband is not compromising and that can break a marriage.

He is controlling, and is overbearing. Your children may grow up to resent him. A friend of mine had a dad like your husband, he was ran a home that was very much like his military career. He said his children were to be treated like his soldiers.

Needless to say, all his children were WILD. I mean like Maury Povich style and none of them see him as adults now.

Please for the sake of your children do something. Maybe go to a counselor, your husband sounds like he has issues and is taking out on the kids. Maybe he had a rough childhood? He can love your children and still let them grow up and have their own life. He needs to let go and not control everything they do.

Answer 6

raising kids.... Your husband has his heart in the right place... as a parent who doesn't want to protect their child from the ugly in the world.. HOWEVER ~ you and your husband need to sit down alone and have a talk... your parenting styles are different and if you both can't come to an agreement then you are headed for trouble- your relationship with each other as well as with your son is headed for big trouble and heartache- Your husband needs to understand that your son will need to eventually live on his own, make his own decisions and function as an adult.. your husband is stripping him of the ability to comprehend right choices and wrong choices- your son will grow up unable to make decisions and calculate risks- Instead of banning all of the evil, your husband needs to TEACH your son that there is good and bad AND teach him how to make wise decisions ON HIS OWN~ Your child is headed for a life of rebellion not because he is being bad but because he has no idea what to do when confronted with the task of making decisions.. I suggest that your husband pray with your son for protection and wisdom and leave it up to God... Good luck-

Answer 7

I have seen many children of strict and spiritual parents get reckless when they do venture out on their own. Ever hear rumors about how wild the preacher's daughter is?

I suggest you try and get your husband to sit down with you and your son to discuss everyones feelings about the situation. Get your husband to agree to alow you to give your son some freedom and your son could agree to attend church functions with your husband or watch movies your husband wants. You can take your son to see movies your husband might find objectionable. Activities in the house should be limited to non offensive to anyone.

You husband should make his opinion very clear to your son but not push it on him. You son will see the sacrafice your husband made in the compromis, appriciate it more, and quite possibly grow up to have views similar to your husband. Your son needs to see what he is missing to appriciate what he has.

Above all, make sure your son is completely honest about his activiites. Allow him to have your trust and make sure he knows it will go back to the way it is now when trust is broken.

Answer 8

I think asking a bunch of strangers on the internet for perspective may not be the place to start working on your marriage. Look into family counseling. Even if your husband won't go, you and your son can go and learn how to deal with him in a productive manner. You can't change him -- all you can change is how you react to him.

Good luck to you.

Answer 9

Your son is headed for a fate equal to or worse than your neice. If your husband cannot live in the 21st century I suggest you divorce him and raise your kids to become effective adults. Otherwise the rest of society will have to pay for their care in a mental institution, jail, homeless shelter, welfare, etc. DO SOMETHING.

Answer 10

Educate your son and then trust him to make the best decisions and finally support him through the wrong ones always seems like the best plan to me