A naughty joke please..?

Question

I start this; a couple in bedroom.
the phone rang up.
angry husband attend the call, listens awhile and bursts out " why asking me? check it with weather dept.
wife asked what..
hus ; a fool asking " is the coast is clear? May I come now?"

Answer 1

Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!

Answer 2

Lawyer And The Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom, "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back
to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-
the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Answer 3

If there were 20 kids in a room how could you tell which ones belonged to Dolly Parton? They are the ones with the stretch marks on their mouths.

Answer 4

Confucious Quotes
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
Man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Man who have women on ground have piece on earth.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Take many nails to make a crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who go to bed with itchy a$$ wake up with sticky fingers.
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Q. What do you call a pothead that doesn't inhale? A. Mr. President.
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So two potheads have been charged with possession :-( and both plead "no contest." The judge decides to be lenient on them and not give them any time if they spend the next 24 hours reforming evil drug users. (Must have been a first offense.) They return to the courthouse the next day and the judge asks them how many people they've gotten off drugs. The first guy says, "Twenty-four!" "Amazing," says Hizzoner, since that's about 12,000 times better than the statistics. "How'd you do it?" "Simple," says the head. "I just show them: 'O' - This is your brain; 'o' - this is your brain on drugs."
"Impressive," says the judge. Turning to the second head, he says, "And how did you fare?" "Yer honor, I saved 233 souls from the bonds of the evil weed." "And how did you manage that?" "Kinda the same as the other guy, 'cept I told people: 'o' - this is your asshole; 'O' - THIS is your asshole in prison."

Answer 5

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

Answer 6

A guy goes to the dentist for a checkup. As the dentist is examining the guy's mouth, he pauses.

"Excuse me, sir," says the dentist. "Have you performed oral sex some time today?"

The guy's face breaks into a huge grin and he replies proudly,
"Why, yes I have, Doctor! How can you tell? Is there a pubic hair stuck in my teeth, or something?"

"No," says the dentist. "There's s**t in your beard!"

Answer 7

I got a dirty joke... A white horse fell into a puddle of mud..

Answer 8

It replace into my first time ever and that i'll by no potential ignore i could do it back without a single sense sorry approximately. The sky replace into dark The moon replace into intense We have been all on my own only she and that i. Her hair replace into delicate Her eyes have been blue I knew only what She had to do. Her pores and skin so delicate Her legs so superb I ran my arms Down her backbone. i did no longer understand how yet i attempted my ultimate i began with the aid of putting My hands on her breast. I bear in mind my concern My speedy beating coronary heart yet slowly she unfold Her legs aside. And as quickly as I did it I felt no shame unexpectedly The white stuff got here. ultimately it is complete it is throughout now My first time ever At milking a cow... GOTCHA!! Broke back Mountain woman A powerful rancher died and left each little thing to his dedicated spouse. She replace into desperate to maintain the ranch, yet knew little or no approximately ranching, so she placed an advert interior the newspaper for a ranch hand. 2 cowboys utilized for the activity. One replace into gay and the different a inebriated. She concept long and sophisticated approximately it, and whilst no person else utilized she desperate to hire the gay guy, figuring it could be extra secure to have him around the domicile than the inebriated. He proved to be a complicated worker who put in long hours daily and knew plenty approximately ranching. For weeks the two one among them worked complicated and the ranch replace into doing o.k.. Then sooner or later, the rancher's widow pronounced 'you have carried out a very sturdy activity, and the ranch seems super. you may desire to circulate into city and kick up your heels.' The employed hand easily agreed and went into city on Saturday night. He back around 2:30 am, and upon shifting into the room, he got here across the rancher's widow sitting with the aid of the hearth with a tumbler of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my shirt and take it off,' she pronounced. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He bumped off each gently and placed them well with the aid of her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, consistently observing her eyes interior the firelight. 'Now take off my bra.' back, with trembling hands did as he replace into advised and dropped it to the floor. Then she appeared at him and pronounced: 'in case you ever placed on my clothing into city back, you're fired!'

Answer 9

I like read it 8 times already and still don't get it.

Answer 10

I cant decide ,is your joke more naughty or your photo.