How can I get my boyfriend to discipline his son differently?

Question

He gets his 6 y/o son only a few times a year as his son lives about 1,000 miles away. But the boy argues, whines, lies and hits other children and is terribly naughty at times. My 10 y/o son plays with him, its a constant battle going on between them. My son hits back to show him that he can't do that. It seems my b/f gives into him alot whenever he whines. I get the feeling he thinks his son will ask to go home if he doesn't get his way. He broke a back window of a vehicle over the weekend, and should have gotten a swat on the behind after he was throwing rocks as its going to cost $$ to replace it. my bf was mad but only talked to him quietly and to the owners, how can I talk to him about this? I don't believe in abusing him, but something else should have been done besides grounding him to the house for the evening. HELP!! I don't want this to always come between us, every time we are together with the child.

Answer 1

Let him watch an episode of Maury with out of control kids and see what not disciplining a child can degenerate to.

Answer 2

Unless you are married, or have been in a relationship for a long time, you are not really going to be able to tell him how to do it better. He won't listen, and he'll be offended, and feel you don't think he's a good parent.

If the child is that out of control, then there is definatly a problem, but its up to his parents to deal with it. Maybe suggest that he discuss his son's behaviour with his son's mother?

Also keep in mind that while he is getting old enough to learn how to behave, he also isn't a 10 year old, and will be harder to handle just due to his age.

It's also possible that he has a problem such as adhd that causes him to act out more than would be considered normal.

Answer 3

You have to remember this child is only six. My son would have freaked being away from me (mom) for any length of time at that age. While I'm sure he's happy to be with dad, he is bound to still feel anxiety about being out of his normal element. The best time to discuss parenting issues would be before he gets there. You have to get on the same page, or your gonna get cast in the evil stepmother role. Maybe check out some books from your local library on the subject. Most importantly, think how you feel when your abilities as a mother are being criticized. Your boyfriend feels the same way. He doesn't get much of a chance to parent this child, so let him find his way.

Answer 4

Well how does he get disciplined at home with his mother? He is obviously acting out that he doesn't see his father as often due to the distance, but yet the parents should have a common level ground when it comes to discipline and he should suffer consequences at your home as well as his mothers. Grounding doesn't work, but if you take things he wants away and not letting him have them or not getting him everything he whines for works then go that route. Kids shouldn't be rewarded for acting and lashing out. They should have to suffer the consequences because in life as you get older it will be a harder lesson to learn. Start now while you still can because soon it will be too late. When you discuss with b/f make sure it's when you 2 are alone and out of ear range of the kids as well. This is matter that needs to be discussed among the 2 of you in order so your relationship stays strong and healthy. Good luck

Answer 5

Hopefully the child will grow out of this behavior. In the meantime, it is only as you said a couple of times a year. He can't put a year's worth of punishment and parenting into this small amount of time. I wonder if this child acts this way at home with his mother or if he is just acting out due to not getting to spend the time he should with his father. When the child arrives your boyfriend should have a talk with him and let him know this behavior is not acceptable. However, he can't be punished the whole time he is there or he will never come back. Also sounds like the father should have a talk with the mother about the way she is raising their child.

Good luck.

Answer 6

Ok.. well I am in a similar situation..but my step kids are no where near that bad...But when they come over, he is very lenient w/ them as well...we have them every/other weekend..and they live a lot closer...but my suggestion to you is.... talk to your boyfriend about the differences in opinions when it comes to raising kids... dont make him wrong in his decision making if it is not the same as yours. We are all raised different, and he is only doing what he knows. Its tough to watch, and deal w/ ...but the child is only acting out..and obviously is "testing" his dad..and you. You and your boyfriend should come up with rules/ideas....so when he does things that are not acceptable..he has consequences. He has to learn that there are consequences for his actions. Because when he is 18 and still doing these things...is daddy going to want to be responsible for it. And your battle may be from the childs moms home enviornment..but you can still demand respect at your home..believe me..when you ask for it..you will get it sooner or later. The child only knows what it has seen ... and lives by that way. Good luck..

Answer 7

If he only gets his son a couple times a year he is probably to blame for a lot of the behavior problems.
On the other hand, you said he is your boyfriends son. So discipline is none of your business. He is not your chld and you need to stay out of it. If you don't like the way he behaves, then go somewhere else on the few occaisions that the boy is whith his father.

Answer 8

Under no circumstances let this happen! Put your foot down on this letting him know that you won't put up with his parenting style. Be firm but also be loving and caring when telling your b/f this. Also be let him know that you love him and enjoy spending time with him but don't want the child's miss behaving get in the way. Tell him to practice tough love. Guys may not listen sometimes or understand, so you may have to show him this is really important to you and the relationship. Communication is the key. Understand though it's his kid, and I found that you can't tell someone else how to parent kids. Don't be a parent coach to him but do tell him that the kid miss behaving and ruining your things is causing problems.

Answer 9

Start by taking away things he likes to play with. For example, if he hits your son take away his TV or computer time. Set rules for both boys, that way no one is favoring either child. My son changed his behavior when I started making him wash the walls in the house. I had the cleanest walls from the time he was thirteen until he was around 16.

Answer 10

I can't stand parents that let their kids run wild. LIke, the other person said...just don't take matters into your own hands..that'll make matters much, much worse. Have you tried talking to him about it? Does the kid get any discipline at home with his mother or whoever he regularly lives with? Maybe, if you set an example...when your son does something, give him the proper discipline. Maybe seeing you interact with your child int he proper way will encourage him to do the same.