How do I get over losing my best friend who had become my boyfriend and soulmate?

Question

My best friend crossed the line six months ago when he left his wife for me. I begged him not to do that because I knew how much they loved each other. He would not listen to me and kept coming around. I fell for him so hard and did not meant to. Since then he has left me and her 15 times to go back and forth. I know that I should hate him but it devastates me to know that he will never be a part of my life because I can't trust him. How do I even begin to live again? I know all the things that I must do, but I don't want to do them. Can anyone help without telling me what an idiot I have been and what a homewrecker I am even though I have been told those things ten-fold?

Answer 1

Hi Alida, thanks for your answer. Here's my effort to help you.

I've had to let go of two women whom I thought were my soul mates (neither of them are involved in my question). I won't pretend it was easy, but what I learned was to judge them by their deeds rather than their words or my hopes.

The right person for anyone (in my humble opinion) is one who recognizes the value of committment and dealing honourably with others, especially those they profess to love.

Were this individual right for you (or anyone else), he wouldn't put you (or his wife) in this situation. These are not the deeds of one who loves you. They sound much more like the deeds of one who loves himself only.

Beware of wishful thinking. It is easy to convince ourselves that someone will -eventually- do the right thing. Hope reigns eternal but his deeds show you that he's not nearly ready to do the right thing by you or by his wife.

And bear in mind that the way he is treating his wife is the way he'll treat you if he feels he's got a better offer. His lack of concern for the trials he's putting you and his wife through should be seen as a big warning sign about his respect for others and their feelings.

The one who is right for you is the one who would rather suffer than cause you to suffer. As much as you may want to believe otherwise, it is obvious his behaviour causes you great suffering and this is not the choice a soul mate would make. As difficult as it will be, you must push him away and open yourself up to the reality that you deserve better and will find someone who treats you better than this.

Have faith and let go. The longer you hold on the harder it will be for your true soul mate to find you.

Good luck and thanks for your kind words.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

You should read your own question for yourself. At the end of your question, you instruct the answerer-not to tell you-what you don't want to hear. How can someone answer you? You want to be told YOUR TRUTH. Sure, I can tell you what you want to hear. However, I'm on Y!A this morning to contribut MY ANSWERs. You most likely already have an idea about the answer I would give you and don't want to hear it because you realize that you shouldn't have been messing with someone who is married. So you have created bad karma for yourself. You are telling a romantic story but the truth is you went after a married man and he cheated on his wife with you and you are a participant in this mess you created. I don't understand why you would "be best friends" with a married man. Isn't that what his wife's title is? It seems to me as if you are romanticizing this story in an effort to make it sound more pleasant. It sounds like you are running a racket to me. Let me ask you a question: were you sleeping with him at the time he left his wife?

Wake up and stop living in your painted faerie tale (where the story others tell you has to be based upon your reindition) and listen and look at reality as a responsible human being. Look at the mess you single handly created and contributed to society. Why? Because you became "best friends" with a married man who "kept coming around" all teh while neglecting to call his wife and inform her of this situation the moment you became aware of the possible breach in their relationship. That is what a real "soul friend" would've done. If you care about other people you don't throw yourself in the middle of a couple's relationship. A true friend would never sabatoge a friends relationship. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is to hide, run-away. Stay clear of their relationship, maybe they can get back together once you are out of the picture, (you did stay they are still seeing each other). Go out and get yourself a man who is not involved with anyone else. Get a clue, if people keep telling you that you are a homewrecker, stop and listen, not that you have to make a judgement call on what they are saying, but it may help you to wake up if indeed you are sleep-walking through life.

Even though you don't want to hear 'certain advice' from other people, doesn't mean that -that advice is without value and meritless. Maybe if you took in what those people have been saying to you, there is a possibility you could turn your life around. There are plenty of men and women out there, you don't need to go after the ones that are already taken.

Answer 4

girl, you need some serious counselling because its a very hurtful thing you're going through because you lost two people, your friend and your lover, therefore you're feeling like you have no support system because if you had broken up with someone else, he would've been your support system. all you need is a support system in a form of a counsellor or confidant and you will be able to get through what you're feeling.You are not a home wrecker if you asked him not to leave his wife, he's at fault here and should take all the blame. you and his wife should come together and support each other because he's playing both of you, 15 times is too much, it's not a relationsip anymore, it's one week or night stands, you can get someone better, trust me, i was in the same situation and got out of it and now i'm with the man of my dreams.

Answer 5

First off, there is nothing in the world that can cure the pain you've been through...so just accept it is going to suck for a while.

Things you can do:

Stop writing about it. Stop talking about it. Stop communication with him. Stop listening to music that reminds you of him. Stop thinking he'll change his mind...he won't. Just get on with your life and focus on you, your career, your education, your body...etc. Work out, take some classes, get a new hobby...anything you can to fill up your mind and meet new people. The longer you hold on to him, the longer you'll feel like this.

If you let it, this emotion will eat you alive. Fight it, and move on. You're probably not ready to date now, so don't...just go be friends with people and live life. Accept crap like this happens, and learn from it - getting involved with married people is fatal :-)

Answer 6

You should leave him, take a break and go to a nice resort island for a holiday like Sicily or Greece or maybe the Caribbean. Your already on the right track by thinking about this situation your in. Its half your fault and half his. Break up with him and cut him outta of you life is the key and don't be tempted or let him woo you with his charm. A man that cheats is always a cheater.

Answer 7

You have to stop taking him back first off. the friendship is over because you BOTH crossed the line. Do not communicate with him and remember the lesson you were just taught about friends crossing the line, and being responsible for your own actions.

Answer 8

honey, you'll be okay. i promise. it is a LOT of pain. i definitely have been there. you can IM or email me anytime. however, how could this guy have been your soulmate if he left? not to mention if he had a wife and went between you two? hon...he's not a proper man to be with. although it might hurt...deal with it and move on. you deserve a lot better! he's obviously using you both. get up the guts to say no way!

Answer 9

well, you're not really a home wrecker if you were doing nothing wrong and told him not to leave his wife. don't be so hard on yourself. you need to get away from this guy because you deserve better. you deserve someone who will love you and only you. right now he doesn't know what he wants and who knows is he ever will. move on honey, there are millions of men out there.

Answer 10

I think you need find another place to start your life again. Move to another state far from him and soon you will forget him. There are a lot of quality and available guys out there.