My brother-in-law raped my niece from the age of six. My other niece is having a wedding and has invited him & my sister. I no longer speak with the rapist or his enabler wife. But my niece who is the sweetest is having her wedding and has invited all the family; including my sister & brother in law. I cannot brush the rapist actions(he raped a 6 year old) under the rug I cannot tolerate being near him or my sister. I can't just sit through a wedding and reception and pretend nothing happened to this family. My niece is hurt that I am not going. How can I make her understand that I am breaking the chain of brushing crap under the rug?. She is hurt that three of her Aunts are not coming because of him. Thanks for the venting and your response.
2006-07-17 01:29:54 · 16 answers · asked by ? 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
No you shouldn't go. I really don't understand why any one would want some one like that around. Your family should support you on this and if they don't then I would say they are just as sick as he is. They are making it okay for him, which is like saying that they don't care about what he did. If nothing else you will be defending the niece that was molested.
2006-07-17 02:12:03 · answer #1 · answered by Irish lady 2 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Maybe put it in a letter, where there is no possibility of argument. You might (in your own words) put it something like this:
"My darling niece,
I love you and cannot tell you how happy I am that you have reached this moment, a day when you and your groom will celebrate the most wonderful thing this world has to offer: love, your love for one another.
By now you know that I cannot be there. I know this breaks your heart, and you may never know how much it breaks mine. Since you were little, I often pictured your wedding day. I pictured taking photographs and doting on a niece I have grown so proud of.
But love is also the reason I cannot be there. Someone once committed an act totally contrary to the spirit of love, an act that took innocence and which has resulted in lifelong suffering. I wish it were not so, but it is. And now I must make my choices, as you have yours, so that I can say that love is how I conduct my life. My love does not permit me to appear to enable what must never be enabled, or condone what can never be condoned.
I am deeply sorry that this has meant my absence from your happy day. But know that even if I am not with you in body, I am with you in spirit. May God bless you all of your days, and may he bless you both with every happiness and joy.
Yours truly, N"
Have you considered the possibility of attending the wedding, but omitting the reception? That might send the right balance of signals - that you value your niece enough to be at her wedding, but that your concern and anguish over the presence of this individual is serious enough that you can't be put in the position of forced-socializing with him and his wife?
2006-07-17 08:45:45 · answer #2 · answered by evolver 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I understand your feelings about this child molester. This rapist. HOWEVER....this is your niece, and this is a very big day for her. A day where she is joining her life with the man that she will vow to spend the rest of her life with. That is a way that she can "say" to this
I understand about breaking the chain, but if you love your niece, you need to be there on her special day. You need to be there for support, and love. I assume you are older than your niece....don't hold all these grudges....that molester is going to sleep at night while you are awake and being eaten up inside with this grudge.
I was molested too, but now that I am an adult....I have a husband who loves me and would protect my life with his own. I invited my molester to my wedding (who IS a family member), and it was so nice to give the idea to this freak that I now have shelter, and no one can hurt me anymore.
Don't hurt your niece over this. Obviously she has come to terms with it, and she won't let this eat at her, she won't let it bring her down. You shouldn't either.
Just because HE should be tied up to a tree and tortured for what he has done, doesn't mean SHE should. It is apparent that it would be very hurtful to her without you at her wedding.
2006-07-17 08:37:54 · answer #3 · answered by tab42104 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The real questions are:
"How can your family make you understand that the wedding is not about you"
"Why do you think you know better who should be invited to your niece's wedding than she does?"
That said, the answer to your question is that you should tell them why you can not attend (you cannot tolerate being near him or your sister). Either write a letter or tell them personally, whichever you think you can do in the best manner. Then it is up to them whether or not they choose to understand your decision.
2006-07-17 17:01:05 · answer #4 · answered by Gerry Mander 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You made it perfectly clear that you do not want to ever see or be in the same room with this perverted disgusting man. The niece needs to understand and accept that what he did hurt you and others more than she realizes and you meant it when you said you do not ever want to see this man again. He's lucky he's not 6 feet under, some families would of seen to it that he was had he done something like that to a child of theirs.
2006-07-17 08:45:31 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is awful what he did to your one neice. I would find it difficult too, to be in the same room with a person that is capable of such disguting behavior. However, your neice wants you there, it is her wedding. This is one of those times that you have to just keep your mouth quiet for the benefit of supporting another family member, your neice. Her wedding is her day and putting your energy and focus towards that will help you oversome the fact that the rapist will be there. Just avoid him. It's not a matter of brushing this issue under the rug, the issue is being there for your neice on her wedding day. Her wedding day is not a day to confront this situation.
2006-07-17 08:40:19 · answer #6 · answered by 10 pts for me? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If your inviting niece knows, tell her straight out, say you're sorry you can't be there (don't use blame) and wish her well; a nice gift is appropriate, of course.
If she does not know about the crime, don't burden her with it; just tell her you will not be attending, for personal reasons.
Was this man never punished for his crimes? Perhaps statute of limitations has ended, but there is no excuse for his actions. He is a criminal of the lowest form and a social pariah. He clearly has no shame
2006-07-17 08:37:12 · answer #7 · answered by Tad Dubious 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't make them understand this. They are too far into denial. You didn't say whether or not he had been sent to prison. If not, he certainly should go. Keep in mind if you report this, you will be blacklisted from the family, and your niece will probably go to foster care since the mother failed to protect her too.
Stand up for your principles.
2006-07-17 08:37:43 · answer #8 · answered by sparkletina 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with Sailor, However she is you neice and she will be hurt if you don't come. Pride sometimes need to be cast aside for the sake of others. I agree wholeheartedly with you...Personally he should be castrated, however make a point to go and speak to the family that is worth a sh*t. Your niece would be happy.
2006-07-17 08:37:09 · answer #9 · answered by bklyngirl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why was this rapist never reported to the police? He should be put behind bars ASAP before he rapes someone else. It shouldn't matter about the "family tradition", safety is the primary issue here.
2006-07-17 08:33:49 · answer #10 · answered by Blue Jean 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋