I need some "GOOD" advice?

Question

My first love of 3yrs just left me for another man. She's done it before and I took her back(you can't control your heart). With what she did to me I don't want to get back with her but I still love her. She took everything and left me with an empty apt. full of ghosts. I try and go out with my friends but the conversation always turns to her. I can't stop thinking about her. I don't want to just run out and get a new girlfriend because I fear that she will just become a rebound girl and I don't want to hurt anyone like I am hurting now, and i don't believe in one night stands. All i have left is my job but i can't stay there 24/7 and even when I am there I find myself thinking of her. All I want to do is talk to her and see her face, even though everything she says hurts me when I do talk to her(the apt is in both of our names so I have to, plus i rather have her in my life as a friend then not at all and she is the thinks same). Any "GOOD" advice to get over her and move on?

Answer 1

Hi Peaceful (and I hope you are soon) - I remember reading somewhere that the best cure for a broken heart is a new love. I think the best way to heal for you is (1) to recognize that, even though you've given her other chances, you're not Mr. Right for her; you're Mr. Right Now. Odds are, when she breaks up with this guy, she'll see if you'll still stick around. In other words, she's using you, and that's not a healthy thing in a permanent, long-term relationship. (2) Keep an open mind about meeting other ladies.

The best thing for you right now (IMHO) is to remember all the bad things she has done to hurt you (when you start daydreaming about her, because you're probably only remembering the good), change the lease to your name only, and keep an open mind about meeting other ladies. She has already proven she's not even a friend, and you deserve so much better so you can be happy and Peaceful. You might try an affirmation, too, like "I now attract a wonderful lady into my life, and have a happy, loving relationship, and I give thanks."

Answer 2

Those long relationships are tough to get over, man. I'd say take some time to get to know you again. Take up a new hobby or two, try an easy night class ... foreign language maybe. You'll meet some new people who don't know anything about her, so they won't be asking. For the apt, maybe go get some cool Scarface posters or something to really bach the place up. Gotta take that place back and make it yours - scare those ghosts off with some Pacino. Big thing, though, is taking her out of your life for a while. Vanish for six months, get things worked out for you, then maybe throw a "what's up?" out there in a email or something. Soon enough the dating urge will come back and you'll be rolling right along.

Answer 3

I am in a similar situation except for the part where she left you for another person. I understand that you guys have to talk coz of the long term commitments but you should minimize talking to her about random stuff.If you can keep it to business. Its gonna be impossible but try anyway.
As far as being lonely, think about the things that you use to enjoy doing by youself before you met her and go back to doing those things and eventually the loneliness will subside a little (not all of it tho).
Someone told me once and I really believe this: U can be make your friend a girlfriend but you can never make an ex-girlfriend your friend untill all feelings of love and hate is gone. So if you are in that stage dont be friends it'll just complicate things and bring all those feelings back.
Last but not least; I'm sorry this happened to you. I am sure there is someone out there that is worthy of your love and will appreciate it. Love is just not enough sometimes.
Take one day at a time and you'll be ok.

Answer 4

Think about yourself and how you can get over this. She's gone, man. She doesn't deserve you and you deserve better. She's not the only fish in the sea.

I highly recommend that you find a hobby or outside interest. Focus on rock climbing, or scuba diving. Try some extreme hiking. Getting outside and doing stuff with OTHER people is important. Sure, you'll think of her and maybe even hear a song on the radio that will bring a tear to your eye, but that's going to happen. It takes 1 month to break a habit. Take down her pictures, bury them... just kidding, put them in a place where you WILL NOT BRING THEM OUT. Don't burn them or throw them away. Someday, when you're happy again, you can go back and look at those pix and you'll think. Wow! She tore me apart, but look how fine I am without her. You may fall in love again and that person will LOVE YOU BACK. If she calls you... TELL HER NOT TO CALL. If she leaves you a message. DON'T RETURN HER CALL. It's over and to move on, you need to do just that... MOVE ON. Instead of talking when your with your friends, try to listen and play off of what they're saying. Don't bring up this old girl as it only hurts and then it's like starting all over again.

I'm sorry this happened to you, but you can move on and learn from this experience. It's nice to hear that you don't want to hurt some else or please your ego with sex. Be yourself, grow, and find an interest (something you've always wanted to do) and do it. Go bungie jump or parachute. Do something extreme and you'll remember how it feels to LIVE!!

Take care.

Answer 5

First of all, I'd like to say I'm sorry for the pain you are going through right now. Second, I'd like to say you are doing the right thing by trying to move on with your life. No matter how much you love someone, it doesn't mean that they will always be the person you want them to be. I can't tell you how to heal, because everyone is very different. As for staying friends with her, is that a good idea? Could there be a time when you are still emotionally vulnerable that she could take advantage of? I think to help the healing, you should not try to push out all the memories, cherish them. Relationships can feel like they make or break who you are. Just remember, love is a part of you, not all of you.

Answer 6

I am sorry that are going through this episode over your ex, and you may hate me for this answer, but it is really the best: You need to just allow some time to get through the emotions you are feeling.

You need some time to "grieve" over the relationship. You are feeling a gamut of emotions, the love and connection you had with her, anger at being dumped, pain, sorrow, embarrassment at conversations and questions about her, anxiety to get on with your life. You basically need time to run through all these emotions and cleanse yourself of the negative energies going through you now.

You are aware that you need time to heal -- you stated that you know jumping into another relationship now would not be the best choice, and one night stands are not your thing. The best thing to do is basically start getting on with your life.

At first you will probably immerse yourself into your work and stay unto yourself, and will be very anti-social as you get through the emotions. Over time however, you will start getting back out into the world. You will start venturing out, enjoying the activities you used to enjoy and --- believe it or not --- start being interested in other people and another woman again.

The best thing to do is take your time, and also to not hold your feelings back. Confide in your closest friend and confidant, so her or she can make sure you're on the right path to recovery and do not lapse into a more serious mood or depression. It varies with each person, but if after a while (it could be several months), you still find yourself upset and emotional over the break up, then it is time that you speak to a professional therapist who could help you through the situation.

Good Luck.

Answer 7

Ouch. This does hurt. The truth is it will probably take some time for you to heal and get over her. Please oh please for the sake of your own sanity DO NOT get back with her

What I am about to say next will probably not seem possible to you at the moment because your heart is broken, which is the worst pain ever, but fact is, you will eventually move on from this with so much knowledge to take with you to your next relationship and you WILL fall in love again and again and again.

We all find ourselves in this same predicament but we have to make sure we don't land there again and if we do, brush it off and try again.

Let her be, she obviously doesn't know what she wants.

You're right, don't go out and get a "rebound" girl, that will have no satisfaction to what you feel now.

Take this time to self reflect and be single, do stuff you love doing, stuff you had forgotten about when you had this person in your life.

I think when we are involved with someone who we are not meant to be with , although in our minds it seems like we are, we leave a part of us behind. And "us" "you" "me" are very important.

Answer 8

Lots of good advise -- most people will tell you something stupid like Pray, Believe in Jesus, and all that crap. No, no. Do indeed go out with other women. Get a great photo taken.... if you teeth are not just a killer smile, see the best conmetic dentist in your area, buy some hot clothes that are you, and put up a great ad on Yahoo, and Match.com. You don't love this woman, you love the image you have of her, and they are not the same thing.... she left you once before ------ and she will keep doing it too, as long as you allow it...... you can't be a dormat unless you lay there and take it. Are you sad? of course. The bursting of a bubble hurts -- hurts alot. But there is always another fish in the sea, as my mom used to tell me. We all get dumped on, and we all have baggage. It is how well we carry it that makes the difference. So, get going, join Yahoo personals, Match.com and some of the other sites. With a good photo, and a good write up, in your perfect English, you will have no problem. Do not allow this lady to be in your life again, unless you are big into pain (and there are some people who just love to wallow in their pain)... Hope you are not one of them...Good luck...

Answer 9

I will be honest with you. It seems to me that you were a fool in love and she was in lust. She cheated on you and you still took her back. You have got to start doing for you. That means that you should not have to do this waiting period on when you should get back out there. You are left in an apartment with nothing but emptiness. You need to start putting some fire back into your life.
You need to redefine who you are. You may be hurting now, but you do not want to miss out on life. Go out with your friends. Have some time to just be you without her. Right now, after all the pain that you have gone through with your ex-girlfriend, you might just want to hold out on the friendship part. The only reason I am saying this is because you need some time. You need to figure out what you need in your life now. Do you need to be friends with a woman who hurt you more times than one? That is the main question that you should be asking yourself. I hope that I have helped you some. It is hard going through a break up with someone that you loved. I am sorry that you are going through the heartache that you are going through. Life gets better.

Answer 10

Time will help you get over her. That, and a new hobby. Most people find a "rebound girl" and that is there new hobby, which almost invariably will fail. You already realize that, so good for you. Find something you've always wanted to do, or think "man, it would be cool if I could ...." Some suggestions are fencing, horseback riding, scuba diving, surfing, and golfing. And if I were you, I wouldn't talk to her in a while. Maybe in 6 months when you've kinda gotten over her, but now is too fresh.