Future Mother in Law?

Question

My fiance and I are getting married and we have one problem. His mother is a complete controlling woman. Yes I wanted to use another word. We are afraid she will pick fights or do something dramatic at our wedding to get to get the attention back on her. She bad mouthes me to her side of the family. She is divorced from my finace's day. What can we do to make sure our wedding goes according to plan and minimize the chance of her disrupting the wedding. My fiance' insists she is invited and I won't say no since its his mom. Help! Any ideas?

Answer 1

My mother-in-law is very controlling too. However, that is one of the reasons my husband took to me so well. I am willing to rule on everything. All I have to do is talk to his mother. I let her know up front if I don't like something and what I think about her behavior. Most people don't really understand they are being a certain way until you point it out.

Let her know that you have something you need to talk with her about one on one. You know ....take her out to lunch or something. Then let her know in a round about way. Looking her in the eye and without faltering...Tell her that you have concerns and you're afraid someone will be there that will want to take the limelight from her son during his special day. If she asks who make it clear that you are willing to make it the best day you have ever had and will do whatever it takes to not let that happen. Then tell her that if she loved her son, she would take care not to ruin it for him. Because it is all about the 2 of you and don't really want anyone doing anything to take that away from him or you, but you would do what you have to do to make sure that this time is not shared with someone else.

Address your suspicions about how she feels about you and how that makes you feel and how you are prepared to live your lives seperate from her if necessary but you would much rather get along at the very least to make it easier on her son. Make a pact that if you can't get along, then you each steer clear of each other and mind your own business where the husband/son is concerned.

My Mother-in-law loves me now but she did not feel that way to begin with. We actually talked on the phone prior to her son and I planning our wedding. She told me she wished I'd go back where I came from and leave him and her alone. I basically told her that I am listening to her on the phone out of respect for another person and I know she needed to say these things to me and I needed to address her concerns. So after I listened to her, she gave me the opportunity to answer her concerns with my plans. I stood up to her and her controlling nature and she respected that and paid for the wedding.
I visit with my mother in law about 7 times a year. Anywhere from 15 minutes on the phone to staying the weekend (with family in tow) at her house. She leaves us alone but we know she is ALWAYS complaining about someone so we are there somewhere. We just don't let it bother us.

Answer 2

Great list, I am not a MIL but a soon to be DIL. My FMIL has done everything the exact opposite of your list. She has actually called me a B**** to my fiance! Needless to say our relationship is not good and anytime I went to see her was purely out of obligation. My FSMIL (Future Step-Mother-In-Law that is haha) on the other hand is AMAZING I really do love her like she were my own family and my FFIL too. The four of us get along so well my fiance and I always make sure that we visit. Sometimes we'll go over just to play a couple rounds of a board game or watch a movie. FSMIL always gets invited out with my family when we do women's outings. Actually his fathers side of the family and my family have blended pretty much seamlessly, it's terrific. The biggest reason behind all of this is FMIL tried to control our lives and we got to the point where we decided our relationship would not work if we were living for someone else. We decided to live for ourselves and our relationship is a million times better for it. His father's family and my family don't try to control us and we love to spend time with them. I think you should add that to your list, don't be controlling

Answer 3

I have a controlling mother in law as well. She has calmed down over the years, because she now realizes that we will live our life our way not hers. She still makes little comments to me here and there, like we were at her house and she had washed some of my husbands clothes with laundry she was doing, she said to me he doesn't like his clothes folded neatly so here you can do his shirts.
When it comes to anything big, he talks to her. He is her son and it will come much easier from him then from you. I would have him talk to her before the wedding about it, she may get upset but I bet she wouldn't want to ruin her sons special day. Also compromising some, don't compromise on anything that is really important to you, but something that is kind of no big deal. This will make her feel more a part of everything and keep her busy.

Answer 4

I would simply not get married to this person. You are letting yourself in for one s***load of a life with a fiance who insists his mom be there for the wedding. I can understand she is his mom and he can't imagine NOT inviting her to the wedding...but I can tell you that unless he stands up to her, YOU do not stand a chance my dear! 100% GUARANTEED! He knows what she is like, but yet INSISTS she be there????? HELLO??????? OK...let me catch my breath...this is an out of control - no win situation - for YOU and YOU ALONE. Believe me, you will be spending God-knows-how-long with a husband who will be looking at you expecting understanding and sympathy about his mother. And in the end YOU will be the loser. When it's mother-in-law against daughter-in-law it's the guy's MOM who's gonna win if he's a wuss.

Answer 5

I think it will be fine if she is there at the wedding. Look at it this way, she always wants to be right - right? So why would she go and do something to make herself out to be a moron infront of the entire assymbely (sp)? She wants everyone to think she is good and she is right so she won't do anything to make herself look stupid on your wedding day. If she tries to create a scene it will only make her look bad so don't worry about it. She'll keep her mouth shut if she is a self-centered person because she'll be wanting to present herself as "classier than thou"

Answer 6

well i guess most women have gone through monster in laws, i for one, i know its hard to pretend that you like her when you dont, my monster in law is a pain the as..s and few months ago i told her off together with her daughter they really hurt me verbally they will say anything that came to their little heads and i was so offended and insulted, and finally now e dont talk thank God, well as for you she will have to come to the wedding dont give her any reasponsibilities she might ruin intentionally, after the wedding keep a very far and safe distance from her, thats what im doing and it works, not evena phone call, yes her son can communicate with her but as for you keep off complitely.

Answer 7

I don't see how you can get away with not inviting her. Even if she disrupts your wedding I am sure the guests will know the problem is with her ........as they should know her well enough. You just have to take the risk.

Answer 8

Unfortunately, it's his day too, so if he wants his mom he should get her. I think she'll probably have sense enough not to ruin your day but if she does make a scene it's easy, ask one of the usher's to escort her out, apologize to your guests and continue your day. She may try to ruin it, but it's up to you whether or not she does. If you think there is a real threat that she will act out then talk to your fiance and tell him your fears, ask him to talk to his mother.....mostly it will be her that looks like a fool, not you dear. congratulations on your engagement and I wish you a long and happy marriage

Answer 9

you need to set her a** straight. Don't be afraid, sit her down and make sure she know's how serious it is for her to behave. This is you day and your future. She sounds like a real bleep.

Good luck and congratulations on your marriage.

Has your fiance told his mother to behave?

Answer 10

I have an agreement with my husband. He deals with his family and I deal with mine. If they start badmouthing me (which rarely happens- I am lucky) then he talks to them and tells them it is unacceptable behavior. If my family starts badmouthing my husband I tell them to lay off. If it continues then I remove us from the situation. I married my husband- not his family and he didn't marry mine. Once I started doing this the badmouthing stopped and the adults started acting like adults. I wish you luck. I know this is a bad situation but you two will get thru it OK.