Advice about talking to my Mom?

Question

My Mom moved out in october and found a new boyfriend over the internet. She left a 21 year relationship with my Dad and left him brokenhearted. I have tried talking and I have visited them (MOm and bf)a few times (kind of hard because they are about 8 hours drive away) but we fell out over an argument which ended in her blaming me for her problems and the reason for her leaving... She blamed it on my cutting and emotional behaviour. I would like to talk to her again as being an ordinary 15 year old girl I do miss having a Mom to talk to but I am unsure if I should after what she has done... Any suggestion please... Anyone been in that sort of situation?...

Answer 1

Your mom is using you as a scapegoat. No 15-yr-old cuts or has behavioral problems for no reason. She's blaming you for her behavior b/c she probably blames herself for yours. Sounds ridiculous, I know. Moms don't leave 21 year marriages because their kid cuts or has problems. If that's the case, then your parents shouldn't be together anyways because their marriage must not have been very strong. For your mom to leave your dad for a random guy she met on the internet sounds like your mom might be having either a mid-life crisis and is trying to ditch the responsibility of a family. None of that is your fault. Your mother should be ashamed of herself for saying her actions are your fault. If you want to have a relationship with your mom, you might want to try letter-writing. Show your maturity and write the first letter, telling her that you'd prefer to write with her for a while b/c it's harder to say things you'll both regret in a letter. It's hard to say things on impulse or things you don't mean when you have to physically sit down and write out your thoughts. It might be a good way to explain to your mom what you said here: you're not a cutter with behavioral problems, you're her 15-yr-old daughter who needs her mother. If she's worth having a relationship with, she'll respond.

Answer 2

First, understand YOU ARE NOT THE REASON FOR YOU MOM'S PROBLEMS EITHER WITH HERSELF OR YOUR PARENT'S MARRIAGE. You have your own issues ( ie: the cutting, just going through teenage emotional angst, which is normal. The cutting isn't ), but, if your mom isn't mature enough to shoulder the responsibility of her own relationships, then those are HER issues.

Next, I will commend you on trying to reconcile your parents relationship. Now, I will tell you the painful part. This is between your parents. Life is hard. Relationships are not easy. I don't know anything about your parents, so, I won't say that your mom is being immature and your dad is being too sensitive. Your dad is hurting, but, given time, he will get over your mom. Of course, that is if he wants to. Who knows, maybe they will get back together on their own. The important thing is that THEY HAVE TO DO IT. Kids only get to do it in the movies.

Good luck. I hope that you find a therapist to help you overcome your own issues. I think that you have a lot of maturity in your personality and can be in control of your own life without hurting yourself.

Answer 3

as you probably already know, people like to use stronger, irrational, and hurtful words during an argument. the words used delivers dramatic results as you are feeling it. after things cool down, most people would regret their choice of words but cannot retract what has spoken. you sound pretty mature for your age, so i would suggest that you do the mature thing - keep the door open. let your mother know that you don't hate her for what she has done just because she is your mother - the only mother that you have and no matter what she does you'll try to understand and keep an open mind on her choices in life. try not to judge her in anyway.... just wait and hope that she will come to her senses someday.... it would hurt you and people who loves her... but the pain will dull over time... it always does. do keep in mind to protect yourself at the same time.... loving your mother doesn't mean you need to sacrifice yourself for her. the way she blamed you for her behavior may be her way of asking you to let her be. she may feel guilt for her behavior and doesn't want to be reminded of that guilty feeling.... it is easier to blame someone else than to admit fault or explain something that they can’t explain.

You are in a tough situation and need to understand that you cannot be responsible for anybody's behavior other then the child you may raise someday, even that is not a 100 percent your responsibility. a person has his or her own will and will choose their life path based on their own logic - good or bad. learn from other's mistake and grow from it.

i'm sorry but things will never go back to how it was and you'll need to accept the facts. if you continue question your mother's behavior, she will not likely to enjoy conversation with you.... if you appeared to accepted her the way she is, perhaps you can talk to her as you used to.

good luck and stay calm when making big decisions.

p.s. pride doesn't mean a thing if it doesn't bring you happiness.

Answer 4

That would be so hard, but if your mom left after 21 years, she likely didn't do it lightly. Chances are good she feels terribly guilty but justified doing what she did. She likely prays that you will understand her choice and have faith that it was never to or about you. Guilt can make us do and say idiotic things. Trust in your mom and tell her that you do. You may never have a clear understanding of why she left, and that is OK, just know that it wasn't you and that it was for the best. Faith is a hard thing to have, but she is your mom and has she ever set out to hurt you before? Give her a call.

Answer 5

#1 stop the cutting
#2, your mother sounds immature...I can see giving up a husband, but your own baby? The women I know before and after birth all say they would die before being without their kids, and she walks out on you at an age where you need her most? This is extremely selfish of her.
I Know its not the same, but is there an adult woman you can turn too for guidance?
I guess with your mom, you might try to be the mature one and talk to her about simple things first to try to rebuild the relationship, but I wouldnt expect too much.
Its not your fault, so please dont think you are to blame.

Answer 6

I think you should talk this over with your dad. Let him know what your mother said to you.

A 21 year marriage doesn't end because of the ordinary problems between kids and their parents during the teen-age years. Those years are stressful for everybody because the child is working at becoming an adult and the parent is working at helping the child become an adult, but this is a normal part of the growing up process.

It sounds as if your mother was using the argument with you to escape her own sense of guilt in the matter of leaving your father and you.

You need your Dad right now and he needs you. He needs to understand your feelings. It may help him to try to heal his own.
But your mother and her boyfriend would seem, from what you have said to be hurtful to you at this point. Perhaps in a few years.

Is there any other woman in your life you could confide in, could be your friend and mentor--an aunt--a friend's mother--a special teacher at school? Your pastor's wife, or a school counselor?

Your mother is not telling the truth when she blames the breakup of her mariage on you. And you don't, at your age, need to be dealing with those kinds of lies. Even if you know they are untrue in your mind, they have to hurt emotionally.

Find a good time to confide in your dad, a time you are both relaxed and have time, and just go slow and let the conversation direct itself by his responses and yours. Give yourselves time to think through what each other is saying. Just let him know you love him and need his understanding and love and help and guidance, especially about whether to expose yourself to your mother's immaturity and accusations again. I don't personally think it's very healthy for you.

You can forgive her in your heart and yet not be able to come to a meeting of minds and reconciliation with her, because you cannot control her behavior or heart.

I know from experience how difficult it is to be a teenager and feel misunderstood and unable to communicate with my parents. It is too common an experience, I think. You need to be able to accept the situation for what it is so that you can get on with your own life, and again, your Dad is the first person who should be able to help you.

Answer 7

I think it would be great for you to chat with her on aim. It would be a great way to stay in touch, it is very casual, and if she gets mean, you can just block her until you are ready to talk again.

Good luck. It sounds like she may have some mental issues of her own. Don't let her suck you into accepting any blame for her poor choices. She is a grown woman. If she needed help, she should have gotten it, not run away with some guy.

Answer 8

Well... I know for sure you want to keep a fairly good relationship with your mom because you don't really know what you have till its gone. I think that you should sit down with your mom and help her understand why you cut and the reasons for your emotional behavour. At the same time you have to understand that you doing all of that to yourself could be very hard on you and she might be blaming herself and taking it out on you.

Answer 9

I would say call your mother up and let her know you do still love her and that even tho she left your dad your not mad at her your just upset. But there is always room for for him. She is your mother and nothing can change that. I know it is hard but you and your mother needs to talk without him or father around.
Your mother needs to bet there for you as well as you need to be there for her. If something were to happen to you she will regret for the rest of her life for fighting with you and if somethig happen to her you'll feel the same way. Just try to make up with her. I'm sorry tour going tho this but its happened to me before. Don't stop talking, just hurt more.

-Melly

Answer 10

First off, you are only 15 years old and therefore innocent where the break up of your parents is concerned. Secondly, your mom is using you as an excuse for breaking away from her family.
I realize it is very hard for you. You be with your dad and try to be as happy as you can be with him. As for your mom, I would take a break from her and let her be the one to take the first step. Let her come to you.