is there anyone out there with the same problem as me? if so I would dearly like some advice?

Question

I realize now that over the years we have spoilt our 19 yr old daughter, due to circumstances beyond our control (the illness and death of my mother,father and brother) I had to spend some time away and I feel with hindsight, that I over compensated her, with gifts and allowing her to get away with behaviour that i did not allow my son to get away with. I have explained why I was away, (she was not left with strangers,her Dad was here). She's behaving like a 15yr old, I have tried all the ways I can think of to get through, but it's like there's a concrete wall between me and her.She reminds me of Harry Enfield's Kevin only worse and not at all funny,so if you've been through this or are going through it now and you have some advice it would be greatly appreciated. If I could i would kick myself for waking up so late, but i'm asking for help as I love her with all my heart and I don't want to loose her. many many thanks

Answer 1

I can only say how my parents handled the situation. They required me to be responsible for myself. Period. It was tough for them to watch me make mistakes and learn from them, but it had to be done. They required me to spend 25% of my income to them for rent as a way to teach me that my housing needs would likely be that amount in the future. They required that I accept part of the responsibility of keeping a house since I would one day be required to do so on my own. They required that I pay my own expenses because I needed to learn how to prioritize and shop wisely. My parents felt that their job was to prepare me to be a useful member of society and they took that job seriously. No candy coating, no bailing me out of the mistakes that I got myself into, no "just this one time's". They required me to make decisions and live by the consequences---whatever they were. They gave me freedom AND the responsibilities that go along with it.

That was 25 years ago. I grew up to be an independent, responsible and successful person. Was it tough for them to watch me fall and pick myself up? Sure. But they seem to feel it was well worth it and I am extremely grateful.

Answer 2

I would think , that the last part of your message has a word that is misused .."Loose" . If you were to try to grab a handfull of water, the tighter you squeeze, the more water you "lose". However, your dear daughter is typical and there is nothing wrong with the way she is acting..Please note I said acting.. consider the rewards that her behavior reaps.
It probably makes sense, and, the Bible says to train up a child in the way he (she) should go, and s(he) will not depart from it. If she has it written in her heart,she will return to it...IN HER TIME.. 19 is a woman, and the dependant/independant struggle that's raging in her life right now must be absolutely fierce..Please be as patient as possible, and most of all, don't let her run any guilt trips on you.. Do you remember how you were when you were nineteen? If you could really "loose" her (let her go...completely) she would land on her feet... My daughter is now 24 with a 4 yr old daughter, and chose not to marry the sperm-donor.Some of the stuff we went thru with her shenanigans..(would you believe at 17 yrs old ,the P.D. brought her home one morning at 0130 am, after catching her and another girl and two guys playing strip poker up on the roof of the near-by elementary school.)?? We kept "giving" her to God to handle. Then we'd immediately take her back...Oh,we can help her...The best thing we ever prayed was that she would get caught if she did anything wrong...AAAnd finally, she was brought to her knees by a long drawn-out series of rebellious stuff, that landed her in the calliboose over a holiday week-end. with a whole bunch of society's loser/choosers.. She really got the message. Her life turned around in a heartbeat.. She's still a lot like me her father, but with a bra and periods.and we butt heads sometimes, but it's working out...Again...Give her a lot of slack, and let God bring her to blossom.aaannnnd best of luck ..

Answer 3

U need to put ur foot down now, it will be hard but it's the only thing, i would try counseling as well it couldnt hurt. My cousins wife was spoiled all her life at 17 she through a temper tantrum in the middle of the high street cause her mum wouldnt buy her roller skates, she's still like that at 29, she sulks if she doesnt get her way, she's selfish, she throws gifts she doesnt like back in ppls faces. Think of how much worse it can get, u dont want a daughter like that !

Answer 4

Tough Love. Read the book, or books on it.
It works.

My sister was 14, addicted to meth, in a gang, promiscuous..

Tough love drew hard boundaries, and gave her an environment to improve.

There is no silver bullet. You have at least another 5 years of pain. If you are willing to fight for 5 years you can have a great 40 beyond it.. if you arent willing to fight you might never have a relationship with your daughter.

Get qualified, local, bible-based counseling. Seriously that book has 3400 years of wisdom in it.

Dont fight the battle alone, get a team. Get on the same page of the same playbook, and fight the good fight well.

Like Colin Powel said "Dare to take the path of hard work and commitment - a path that will lead somewhere".

Answer 5

Don't wait for the situation to become intolerable, seek professional counselling for the two/three/four of you. Too many parents avoid asking for proper help because they see it as an admission of failure. I think your future happiness and that of your daughter is too important to risk on the advice of anyone on a chat room. Counselling can be expensive but don't be put off by that; at this stage the problem may be resolved quickly, in a few years it may be much more difficult. One other thing, I'd suggest you don't present this as 'her' problem that she needs counselling for, you're a family so this is something for all of you to sort out. Best wishes.

Answer 6

Don't preach'
Remain calm.
Answer questions honestly and tell her you expect
the same out of her, so that you're on the same page.
Give her reasons why, when you tell her something.
Tell her you love her anyway, even if she misbehaves.
Tell her concrete walls are not good between family
members and ask her what you can do to keep them
torn down. You spoiled her because you love her, so
quit blaming yourself and put on a new happy face and
positive talk......maybe things will change.

Answer 7

Their is book you can read called the '60 minute parent' by Rob Parsons. It deals with these sort of issues and more.
I know that its hard my daughter has changed alot in the past couple of years. Thankfully not like your daughter. She will come round one day honest, I have seen it many times with my friends teenagers. Keep telling her you love her, and that you are always there for her. If you need to scream and shout do so, just don't do it infront of her because this will make things even worse.
I don't know whether you are a Christian or not but I want to qupote averse in the bible for you. for your sanity. Its 1 Peter chapter 5 verse 7, it says 'Cast all your anxietys on Him because he cares for you.' Talk to God about it and trust that he will help.
The book I mentioned can be found in Christian bookshops, but it isn't preachy honest.

Answer 8

i am sorry for you, but i have this theory, a person who is 18 and older is perfectly capable of thinking by him or herself, so, when a person says that a grown up has this behavior because of what happened in his/her youth, he/she is just looking for something to blame this.
But, you have let your daughter to be a brat. Ok, i dont have any kids but i analyze a lot, so heres my advice:
you know her, so try to think a way to make her understand that she is no longer a baby, and has to act like a grownup, it will be very difficult, because usually people understand only by the hard way, but, if she's acting 15, then punish or ground her like she is 15, make her lose her allowance, dont let her go out that much, and stuff like that, to "drill" her brain and makeher see that it is better to act grown up that being childish.

also, dont let her doubt you love her, because she might think you are just overreacting and being mean with her, but not with presents or gifts, just by talking to her, being with her, and do things she likes.

if there's a wall betweenyou two, then make it go away, brick by brick.
If she's having a "fit" or a stage when she just whines and whines like a 2 year old to have what she wants, simply ignore her, tell her once, twice the most no, and then ignore her pleadings, and eventually shell stop being a baby.

i hope i helped.

Answer 9

Perhaps your daughter wants you to compensate the gifts with attention!
You need to sit down with your daughter and talk to her, tell her how you are feeling and ask her to share her feelings, you cant argue with feelings!
You are both adults so you can both sit down like adults to talk this out! She needs to know that losing your family is the hardest thing you have had to do and that you need her as much as she needs you! Make sure she knows how much you love her and remember be her friend, she is 19, she might not want mum around, but a friend, a friend is different! After my mum stopped just being my mum and started being my friend, our relationship took off and we have never been closer!

Answer 10

I don't understand why you put this question under the subject that you did. As for your daughter well you may want to seek some family counseling on bonding that relationship together and talking with her to help her realize that she is now an adult and needs to act like one if she doesnt realize this now shes ganna be in for a rude awakening as time goes on. Good luck