Im 20, my bf is 28 we're engaged and in the process of buying a house together, shes always said she liked him and wondered how he put up with me!! she doesn't like that im taking on his debt within the mortgage, but im happy doing this. she says ive not lived my life but i think i am living my life, i'm happy with the choices i'm making, and didn't enter into them lightly. She does't know him like i do, he's loving and encourages me with my nursing career, ive tried to talk to her but she won't listen and says she doesn't even want to try and get to know him. I can't understand why shes suddenly changed and y she won't listen. Any advice, this is breaking my heart.
2006-07-16 10:15:34 · 23 answers · asked by laura cj 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
You can thank her for being honest with you... and then assertively tell her that you have thought about it all a great deal and this is what you want for you, and that she should respect your choices as an adult in your own right. Tell her that you want her to be happy that you are in love with a wonderful man, who respects you and treats you right...
She should not make you have to choose between her and your man - there will be room in your heart for both of them.
Being honest and adult with her is the best thing you can do - even if she slips into "child" and "name-calling"...
2006-07-16 10:25:38 · answer #1 · answered by Aidy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your mum is worried for you. Simple as that. With a quarter of all marrages going down the plughole (and a similar number of "Partnerships") there can be little surprise in that.
Entering a Contract to purchase a house together (and lumping in your boyfriends debt) is just that, a Legally Binding Conract. I suspect it's a 20year+ morgage your signing up to contract into. Do You Honestly think that your relationship will stand the test of time? (when 25% are failing). Think!
Little wonder your mother is concerned, a symptom of which is her "turning away from" your boyfriend. Your mother clearly, has considered all the pitfalls and Loves you very much. "Think very clearly". Take independant financial advise. You may well be in the process of making Your Very Own Noose, and there is a 25% chance You'll need it.
My advice? Postpone the Morgage for 1 year. House prices are stable and may be on the decrease anyway. This is a major life changing decision. And it may not change Your Life, for the better.
2006-07-16 17:35:53 · answer #2 · answered by sault 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
1) She's worried about you being lumbered with a great big debt you will have no way of paying off, because you are both on the mortgage if he doesn't pay it you will be blamed as well, debt can ruin your life.
2) She can see things about him that you can't because you're blinded by love.
3) Your mums lived her life not you you're too young yet, she has knowledge & experience of things you can't even imagine maybe she can see what you can't
Your mum is the only person that will only want what is best for you and your happiness, boyfriends and even marriages don't always last but a mothers love is usually forever
2006-07-16 17:23:11 · answer #3 · answered by madamspud169 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Perhaps you're the one who needs to listen. Parents are not mean, when they say something it's because they have reason to doubt.
Remember that mums know their children from before they open their eyes....she will have a very good idea of what's best for you.
Take your time and don't rush into things. Try talking with your mum. Maybe go out for lunch or for a coffee and bring the subject up then. Ask her to be honest and to tell you what she really thinks and what she thinks is wrong with your relationship. I'm sure she will also be interested to know how you feel and what your plans are for the long term.
Don't disregard her just talk things over calmly...and good luck!
2006-07-18 19:46:27 · answer #4 · answered by Surething 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As teens it doesn't matter in fact it is quite cool and rebellious for you to date guys your parents dislike.
However a sudden change of heart on you mum behalf need investigating a little deeper and not brushing aside.
Taking on somebody Else's debts is a huge step and you have said that you did not make your choices lightly.
I am 24 now and i know of 4 close friends who have a similar situation of taking on their man debts and 5 others stories i have heard on the same thing about friends friends. It is not an uncommon thing and all these girls thought in their early 20's they had thought it through enough and it was the correct choice and it would work out for her taking on his money issues as she deserved it.
Out of the 9 women only one is still with her man and they had 10 years on you. The others are left with debts them self as he left or left holding the baby and 2 others who are my close friend insisted it was forever and the guy was the love of their live and got a house and got married and then met somebody else and said they moved too quickly too soon.
Nowadays you do not need a piece of paper to prove your love and devotion.
One girl recently found out her husband was cheating on her she hit the roof he has since hung himself and she is been chased for the 62 grand debts he created!
Obviously this rejection of you boyfriend from you mum is killing you and watching her little girl making adult choices will be breaking her heart too.
At 20 there is so much to see and so much to do before settling down in a house having a career and a family. All these things you can do you can involve him in.
Before you go any further with you plans with your boyfriend you have to think towards the future. When you are in love you kind of see life via rose tinted glasses and when it is the first time you have been in love you can always distinguish it from lust and needing to feel loved.
Anyhow just say it doesn't work out and you are like my friend left holding the baby home will be where you want to go. You might not think it but my best friend went to live in Spain and when she split from her boyfriend and found out she was expecting she wanted her mum and they had not spoke for 5 years.
Any problems sort everything out with your mum so before you make plans as you will always need her.
2006-07-16 17:41:57 · answer #5 · answered by Purple Princess 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm very sorry for your mother's lack of understanding and compassion. It sounds a lot like some issues with me and my mom. The first thing I want to say is don't let your mom change what you are doing esspecially if you are enjoying it. The second thing is that maybe you and Mom should just sit down and discuss how broken this is making you feel. I think she might be trying to understand and might even want to help you with things, but she needs to understand that these are your choices.
2006-07-16 18:03:23 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She's afraid of losing her baby,can you blame her....some parents realize that your gone,your venturing off into a world where she feels you aren't ready for.......you should asure her it's okay you've got this and you are happy.The same thing with my mother and I .I have a b/f that is 18 and I am 15,and we are serious and she's afraid I won't be able to experience life like I should being commited so young,it's my choice;just as it's yours and you are older than I .Just know she feels she can't protect you anymore ,just assure her that you are comfortable with what your doing and you feel something so serious with this one!Good luck!
2006-07-16 17:27:37 · answer #7 · answered by None 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with some of the other answers. Maybe your mom was hurt or almost hurt in a situation like this.
I was in a relationship where I defended my ex boyfriend for all the hurtful things he did to me to my parents... But he dumped me out of nowhere basically becsaue he was tired of me and that was after he used me in more ways than one, but I committed to him. You get the point.
Now I realize all the little things my mom and dad had pointed out were right.
I'm not saying you should question your realtionship or his love for you. Or believe your mom blindly... All I am saying is that whatever you do... be prepared for the worst-case scenario.
2006-07-16 18:34:14 · answer #8 · answered by Sissy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi she is just scared coz your growing up and making your own decisions she not trying to hurt you, but its your life and she will eventually come round as she should be happy for you she is your mum. She is only looking out for you but you are 20 and know what you want and dont give up on it even if she is being weird with you. Just be happy with what your doing and dont change your mind just to keep her happy as you will only hurt yourself.
2006-07-16 17:25:59 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I had a gf who's mother loved me too much. She was always hugging and kissing me when I was there. It really bothered me so one time I hugged back and gave her a real kiss. She hated me after that and did everything she could to break us up..
Maybe something happened between them that you don't know about. I don't mean like what happened to me. Maybe there was a confrontation that didn't go mum's way.
2006-07-16 17:33:36 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋