My boyfriends brother is vile towards me. What do I do?

Question

I love my partner to bits and we plan on getting married soon but I have trouble getting on with his brother. Every time we go round to his and his wife's house they make us feel on edge/unwelcome and I end up crying. His brother is the most arrogant man I have ever met and he is constantly vile and obnoxious towards me but I feel I have to make an effort for my partners sake as this is the only family he has left. What should I do?

Answer 1

I would say firstly, you can pray for him, that God would soften his heart. Pride and arrogance will eventually cause pain and turmoil in a person's life, and those around them.

Try to always turn the other cheek. Do not take his cruel statements to heart. Always be nice to him. Do not cause a violent confrontation as I've seen others suggest. This will only worsen the problem. It may be best to talk to your boyfriend in private about the problem. Maybe he can talk to his brother. Not knowing the details of the situation, maybe his brother feels he will lose time with his brother with you in the picture. He will need to accept that there are other people in his brother's (your boyfriend's) life. Be patient and always be polite, and you will eventually make him feel guilty for seeming to hate you without cause, and in the end, things may work out for the better. No matter what he does, you can be satisfied knowing that you took the moral high ground, which is always difficult to do.

If you feel the need to confront him, do not make a public spectacle of it, or use strong words. instead of saying something like "why do you hate me" say something like "I feel that there is something wrong between us. I really like your brother (your boyfriend) and I hope to join your family soon, and I want to make sure everything is ok between us. Avoid any direct accusations, you do not want him to feel like he is being attacked. Any discussion should be to build a bridge, not escalate a war. Patience, prayer, and the support of your boyfriend will all go towards easing the situation and possibly building a new friendship with his brother.

Best of luck and may God bless you're wedding!

Answer 2

Hi have you told your partener about this, if you have he should have done something about this by now you obviuosly have been going out with each other for a long time.His brother shouldnt be making you feel this way and you shouldnt be getting upset about making an effort coz its the only family he has left, but at the end of the day you and your partener are a family of your own and it should just be about you and him, and try to forget the other family members as love is strong. I think that if you are getting married you will obviously become family, so you will be able to say what you like to his brother as you dont have to worry about what your hubby thinks. His brother needs a good sorting out if you ask me. Dont go round to his house no more if there is no reason for you to go, there is no use you getting upset and if your partener asks why you wont go, tell him, there should be no secrets between you and your partener and you shouldnt feel you have to keep quiet,

Answer 3

I have been in a very similar position. It is the most dreadful thing in life to be in love with someone and find their brother is completely horrid. I was about to be engaged to this wonderful guy who I dearly loved, but his younger brother openly told me that he loathed everything about me. He was always horrible but it got worse as my relationship with his brother got more serious.

Unfortunately I don't have comforting words of advice. Yes you could talk to your fiance, however it will most likely have no result. He can't make his brother be nice to you. If you confront his brother, he will most likely turn it around and make you look like the bad guy. I'm afraid your stuck between a rock and a hard place.

There are two options: a. Stick it out, try and deal with it and focus on the positive side, you have a man how loves you dearly.

or b. break up and find someone else, with either no siblings or more mature brothers.

Both options have good points and bad points. Unfortunately neither will be easy. You know that. But that is just the reality of it. I'm so sorry you are going through this and wish you best.

Remember, choose the path that will make YOU happiest. You don't want to end up 10 years down the line kicking yourself.

ps. Want to know what I did? Broke up with mine. It was the hardest, most painful thing I have ever had to do. I don't regret it though. For me, it was the thing that would make me happy in the long term.

Answer 4

You could try telling her how you feel. Say that you need to talk to her and this is important. Tell her how you feel, but not in a way that seems revolting or annoyed like you're going to attack her with your voice. Just tell her what you really need to say, and if that doesn't help, at least you told her what you needed to say. I'm sorry, but if you can't find some way to make your nan have a change of heart, You would have to deal with it. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. All you can do is accept your nan and brother and let them go do their thing and don't talk, live your life the way you can. and when you're old enough, get out of that place and live your new life. I don't know if this helps, but just completely ignore your brother. If he cannot give you the respect you need, he doesn't deserve your attention. Seriously. He'll either stop talking to you, but maybe at first try to annoy you harsher, then calm down, or try asking you about it to annoy you. If he asks, well, maybe say because you don't want to upset him. I don't know if this will help, but I'll say, good luck!

Answer 5

Hey, its not about what you should do, its what your boyfriend should do! You have already done your part by trying to be friends.

Your boyfriend should defend you at all times. Is there something that happened in the past that has made your brother in law behave like this? Is there a family secret you are not privy to? Why is he antagonistic only to you? Is there an ex-girlfriend he preferred to have as sister in law? YOUR BOYFRIEND IS KEY TO SOLVING THIS PROBLEM.

Talk to him and f ind out what the root cause of the problem is. If he loves you and makes the effort to introduce you to the family, his family members should have the basic decency to respect his choice and respect you - whether they like you or not.

He should stand up for you and tell his brother not to be abusive anymore. If your brother in law cannot change his behaviour, then your boyfriend should inform his parents and solicit their help. If that fails, then you should stop visiting him. You are being civil by trying to make Friends with your brother in law, if they have no respect for you then you do not have to put up with their rudeness.

Answer 6

Talk to your partner. Let him know that if he's going to marry you, then you come first no matter what. He should tell his brother that disrespecting you is the same as disrespecting him. If it doesn't work, then take a stand and put his arrogant brother in his place and make sure you do it around a BUNCH of people!

Answer 7

I had the same problem, but it was MY brother and his wife They were mean to both my bf and I. No one belived me, not even my bf at the time. Finally he saw the truth. And although this wasn't the only reason, we moved, several states away. I tried to call or write a couple times, but my brother just put me down the whole time, so now I have nothing to do with him. But now I have an inlaw that is just as bad or worse living with us. Sometimes you just have to not say anything, knowing you are right and you won't have to see them someday. We are moving again for(partly) this same reason.. Its hard, and I still slip up and do crap back, but you just have to keep trying and start over each time. Hopefully things will get better....BTW, if you have advice for me, I'll take it;)

Answer 8

Where is your boyfriend when all this is going on? If he's hearing this and allowing his brother to talk to you like that you need to rethink your relationship.
Speak to your boyfriend first and tell him you expect him to stand up to his brother on your behalf. If he doesn't take a stand he isn't much of a man.
If you still want to be with him then you are going to have to be the strong one. Next time they/the brother are ignorant to you just stand up and say "We're leaving now, goodnight." Then go. Do this each and every time and sooner or later they'll get the hint or question you about it. Be straight forward with them and tell them how you feel and that you are not prepared to be belittled by anyone at anytime.
Good luck, I hope your boyfriend turns out to be supportive.

Answer 9

Ask him outright why he dislikes you. Do it in front of others to put him on the spot. Tell him how his comments make you feel. If it doesn't stop, insist your partner support you and stand up for you.

Then, avoid being in his brother's company at all costs. Let your partner visit him alone, if necessary. You don't have to subject yourself to harassment from this jerk or his wife.

If you must go to family events where they are present, do your best to stay away from them and mingle with others instead. Make your visits to these events short if you need to. Long enough to make an appearance out of respect, but not long enough to be subjected to harassment and anxiety.

Answer 10

Why do you keep going there if they make you feel unwelcome? You have made an effort, now you need to refuse to be mistreated anymore. Your "partner" should be going by himself or not at all, and he should definitely be standing up for you. Sometimes no family at all is better than what you get stuck with. If you are going to keep going, you need to get thick-skinned really quick and learn to completely ignore the jerk.