Whenever I am asked a question, I turn to the bible. But I have questions?

Question

When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do, however, need some advice regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

Answer 1

OK, here goes.

a) I would try putting in an exhaust system first, and burning smaller bulls. If the neighbors still object, smite them.
b) Probably $10,000, but wait until she's 18. There are still the secular laws to consider.
c) If they're offended by righteousness, you know what to do...
d) Slaves are slaves, your friend is wrong. Canadians are fair game.
e) Working on the Sabbath!?!? Let's go get the rocks.
f) Many people have problems with shrimp being an abomination, they're so tasty, but abominations they are. All abominations are the same in the eyes of the lord.
g) This is not good; you need to go get LASIK eye surgery, and just hope it goes well.
h) I thought that only certain sects forbade haircuts. You should look further into this before you smite anyone. Better safe than sorry.
i) The Bible doesn't mention gloves as being able to prevent uncleanliness. They make some cheap footballs out of vinyl these days, stick to those.
j) You may need to get all the townspeople for this one, and not do any stoning yourself. This may indirectly be a violation of "Honor thy Mother & Father" as an aunt & uncle may be considered as such by proxy, being the sibs of parents. For instance, stoning your Dads brother may displease your Dad, and you should strive to avoid that. You could avoid that by having others do the stoning.

Answer 2

Even the devil can quote scripture. Now, in answer to question a: You need to get some mesquite or applewood chips for your bull. Might as well make a nice barbecue. Don't smite your neighbors: give them a tri-tip sandwich, and everyone--including the Lord---goes away happy!

Answer 3

If OT law doesn't apply anymore then why is it in the Christian Bible?
Oh wait I know why it's there, otherwise they can't prove the Jesus is Massiah that OT talked about and ban homosexuals and ask to hang 10 commandments on government buildings.

Jesus said "Don't think I have come to distroy The Law".
You can't have it both ways.

Answer 4

That is the problem with you people who base your life on a book that has been passed from gen. to gen. You don't live with reality.
End of debate.

Maybe open your mind instead of a book.

If the bible told you the sky was purple would you believe it?

Answer 5

Wow, Diamond just cleared up all up for me. The 10 Commandments have been revoked!

But then, why do so many people care about whether they are displayed publicly?

Answer 6

Thats funny, thats all OT law, no longer effective. If your still practicing it, you need to read the Bible, as apparently you missed the whole second half.

Answer 7

Sarcasm is the attempt of a feeble mind to express itself creatively.

Answer 8

Some people seem to not understand the concept of sarcasm.

I love it.