make me laugh?

Question

u know what ill award you

Answer 1

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"

"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life.

"Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.

Answer 2

There were four people [one woman] who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job.

The company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.

Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told them that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.

The next day the first applicant, was called in. The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

He thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."

"Why do you say that?" asked the president.

"Well, a thought takes no time at all...it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again."

"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.

Next the same question was posed to the woman. "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

She paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."

"Why?" asked the president.

"Because you don't even think about a blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant."

The president thanked her, then called in the next person.

The third one was asked what the fastest thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity.

Why?

Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on."

"I see, very good," replied the president.

Then, the fourth man was called in.

He, too, was asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"

"That's easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhoea!"

Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"

"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps... ..and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS.....

(He got the job....)

Answer 3

Questions that have confused mankind!!!!
A: who was the first person to look at a cow an say, I think i'll squeeze those dangly things here an drink whatever comes out.
B: who was the first person to say, See that chicken there? i'm gonna eat the next thing comes outta it's butt!
C: why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human veing would eat?
D: If jimmy cracks corn an no one cares.... why is there a song about him?
E: why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyways??
F: if wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just but dinner?

G: if quizzes are quizzical.... what are tests???

HH if corn oil is made from corn, an vegetable oil is made from vegetables.... then what is baby oil made from??

Answer 4

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

John

Answer 5

A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it. "Well," the patient said, "I live in a trailer court. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit. Each afternoon she'd take a frankfurter from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she'd sit on it and have a ball."
"She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the frankfurter into the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole." "She sat down on it and everything was great until there was a knock at the door."
"And then?" said the doctor. "Aw hell," the patient explained.
"That's when she tried to kick it under the stove."

Answer 6

Red Or Green

Two men are sitting in the doctor's office. The one looks at the other one and says, "What are you here for?"

The man replied "I have a red ring around my p-e-c-k-e-r, What are you here for?"

The other man said, "I have a green ring around my p-e-c-k-e-r."

The doctor called the man with the red ring first in his office and examined him.

As he was walking out he told the other guy it was no problem.

The doctor called the man in with the green ring around his p-e-c-k-e-r and examined him.

The doctor says, "Your p-e-c-k-e-r is gonna fall off and you are gonna die".

The mans says, "What?? You told the man with the red ring he was ok, but I'm gonna die??"

The doctor said, "Yes but there's a lot of difference lipstick and gangrene!"

Answer 7

You award me? How? Or was that the joke?

When God made Adam he said to Himself - I can do better.

Answer 8

"a naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami in the other. she puts the poodle on the table and says to the bartender...."

Answer 9

3 guys walk into a bar. Ouch.

Answer 10

whats the differnce between a blonde and a washing machine?
you can drop a load in a washing machine and it won't follow you around!! hope that made you smile!