How to Handle a adult child who lives with you??

Question

My 34 year old daughter now lives with me after 15 years of being married to a very abusive man, because of her daugher my sweet princess I let her live rent free , but she does not drive ( she don't know how) or does not work but provides food for her and my grand daughter who is 4 years old..

I love my daughter and she is always welcome to stay but how can I get her to live life , she is a wondeful mom and she put her daughter first but forgets her self she don't think she will ever love again and has given up and has said she is forever alone

any ideas

Answer 1

I am also 34 and went through an abusive marriage. My mother pleaded with me and begged me to divorce him. After 7 years, I finally did...and when I left, I had no where to go, no job, no money..I asked her for help, but she said she couldn't help me and to go to their church and ask for financial assistance (my parents make over 300k a year). I know you want your space back, but I thank you for being there for her. My suggestion is to get her enrolled in a domestic violence education group so she can make friends with others that have been in her shoes. They will teach her about healthy relationships and what to avoid. It will also give her more confidence in herself and may get her interested in working outside the home or helping others like herself.... She's been through alot and is scared. Love her while you can... she will find love again when she least expects it! I did. I am remarried to a wonderful man now. Good luck to you Mom.

Answer 2

First of all, I am your daughter's age. She feels bad about herself because of the abuse she was forced to endure. She forgets to take care of herself because she feels like she isnt worthy of care. She doesn't feel worthy of true, honest, caring love. She needs counselling immediately as does your granddaughter. The little girl may not have witnessed the abuse first hand (or maybe she did), but she knew it was going on, no matter what she said. Children are SO smart! They pick up on things we don't realize they are keen to. Take them both to counselling. There are alot of women's shelters who do free counselling for abuse victims and their children (and their parents! You might need it too so you can help her better).

Next, teach your daughter to drive and go with her to get her license. It will give her a sense of empowerment that she hasnt had the priviledge of in years. Once she feels a little better about herself, she will want to get a job and eventually leave the nest for good. :) Best of luck and God bless you all.

Answer 3

First of all, your daughter needs to take driving lessons so she can get a driver's license. Second of all, she needs to buy a car (if you are financially able, maybe you could help her with that). Third, she needs to find a job. By doing these three things, she would get a wonderful feeling of accomplishment and self worth, which is just what she needs right now.

Answer 4

Nobody is alone with God in their lives.
15 years of abuse is lot for her to endure and I expect in time she'll regain her confidence and feel the love in life. She is lucky to have you to help her over this time of need.
The formative years of a child 0-4 is the most important of their whole lives because it is the seed that is growing into a child then the adult. If the abuse has had affect on her then it would be really good to get her to talk about the issues that bother her. She will grow with an understanding to these issues if explained to her as she grows. She won't grow with the abuse, she'll be growing with it following her. It isn't something that she should be constantly reminded of but only if she feels or you see the abuse touching her or affecting her now.
Your daughter will slowly regain her confidence but if you know her passion in life (beside her daughter) then try and persuade her to something about it.
You can tell her from me, I was in a very similar situation to her and I took my driving test about 10 years ago now and even now it is one of the best things I did for me. It gave me independance and a feeling of freedom (we are restricted travelling wise with child/ren and lack of money).
By finding something for myself to aim at (mine was inventing) gave me something to hope for, not just for me but the possibilites for my children if I was to succeed with my little mission. We need hope, and we need ambitions and dreams to give us a push when feel weak and strength to take into tomorrow.
As long as she has you continuing being a wonderful mum and give her lots of compliments and little words of encouragement I'm sure she'll get there, just give her heart and soul time to heal from the 15 years of damage. She needs to reflect upon those years to finding a closing that chapter in her life.

God Bless you all xxx

Answer 5

her husband has pounded into her that she is worthless and noone but him will ever love her. take her places with you until she gets used to being able to do things without his permission. ask friends to take her out to movies and dinners. you should help her find female friends she can confide in, the male thing will come later, when she learns to trust herself again. you might suggest that she takes an evening class so she can eventually get a job.

Answer 6

you must remind her never to give up...we each have experiences and lessons to learn and yet sometimes we forget that everything is temporary and this too shall pass whatever pain she is going through...tell her that she is capable of whatever that she wants for her self but she first must make a plan on where she wants to be in life...what she wants...ask her help her by talking with her where she longs to be..

i my self am a mother and put my child 1st but it is very important not to forget ourselves in the process of raising our children because fragmented parents create fragmented children...
we ourselves must be whole if we want our children to be whole...