Can you tickle my funny bone?

Question

You guys rock with the jokes.

Answer 1

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"

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It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

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There were two blondes, and they had just came from a store.

The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stoped to rest for a second.

When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"

Answer 2

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus and she
noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile
turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man
burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had
the man arrested.

>The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20
>years old) what he had to say for himself.

The young man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
>When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
condition. She sat down under a sign that said,
'The DoubleMint
Twins Are Coming' and I grinned."

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's
Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that
said, William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly
contain myself."

BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time? And, sat
under a sign that said 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this
Accident'... I just lost it."

CASE DISMISSED!!

Answer 3

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, ****!" Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different. There, 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

Answer 4

Computer Programmer and The Frog

A computer programmer happens across a frog as he was walking down a road.

The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week".

The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week".

The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!".

The programmer smiles and walks on.

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"

"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex....but a talking frog is pretty cool."

Answer 5

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles...the salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"

Answer 6

A doctor's son went to medical school and became a doctor. He went into practice next door to his father's office. An elderly lady, Mrs. Jones, came to see him.

"Oh, Doctor. I've been to see your father for years and he was never able to cure my irritable bowel syndrome. You've just recently graduated from medical school, so do you have any new treatment or any new medicine that might help...?"

He prescribed the old lady some pills and was very pleased to hear from her a few weeks later, that her irritable bowel had cleared up and was behaving better than it had for years.

That night, when he was having dinner with his father, he remarked upon his success. "I guess that medical science has improved remarkably since you graduated from medical school."

"Why, what do you mean, son...?"

"You tried and tried to cure Mrs. Jones' irritable bowel syndrome for years, and couldn't. I gave her one treatment, and she is cured!"

The father threw down his fork. "You ingrate! Mrs. Jones' irritable bowel put you through medical school!"

Answer 7

No, but I can hit you on your funny bone and make your arm go numb!

Answer 8

hell naw i can't you probally half way across the country uh ah drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Answer 9

I'd love to do that for you, but, alas, you are too far away!!

Answer 10

nope