How do you get over the anger you have with a parent who has died?

Question

My father died last October, although I respected him and had some what of a good relationship with him I hold a lot of anger against him from the past. I had the chance to talk to him before he died but could not bring these issues up. Now I don't know how to let go and move on without having the apology and explanation that I wanted.

Answer 1

Forgiveness is something we do to heal ourselves, not to benefit the other person. You must forgive your father in order to release yourself from the anger you feel. Had he lived, you don't know how the conversation with him would have played out. You may never have gotten the apology and explanation you wanted. In the end, you have to forgive past wrongs, even if the other person never apologizes, because otherwise the pain and hurt we feel will keep us from living a full life.

Answer 2

Forgiveness is the only way this is possible. You have to think if your father did something wrong and you know it, than chances are he knows what he did was wrong and just because he can't tell you now that he is sorry and explain what happened... don't you think he wishes he could. My father died in 1999. He died because his organs just stopped functioning because he was an alcoholic. He was a very abusive man and very sexist against females. It was hard being the only female child. and you know I struggled with his death for a long time wondering why he did the things he did and hurt his family the way he did. but I know in my heart that he is sorry, he just lost control of him self somewhere along the way, and now know's all the wrong he did through out his short life. and I have forgiven him thats really all you can do, because you still have to move on with your life but it is hard when you feel the bitter resentment constantly. Write him a letter or just say everything out loud so you honestly believe he will hear you and say everything you have to say and by the end of it, say but I forgive you. The anger of this could honestly consume your life. You really need to find the way that works for you, so you can let this heavy load of your shoulders and continue on with you life. I am sorry about the loss of your father I do believe it is even harder when the relationship between the two people is just not what it should be because the chance of having that good relationship is gone. I really feel for you and I hope you can find the strength and the power you have deep down inside to forgive your father and let him reast in peace. Good luck to you and you will be in my prayers.

Answer 3

I understand what you are going through, my issue lies with my mother. The only way for me to " get on" with things is thinking that all questions will be answered in the very last seconds of life or in the actual after life, what ever that may be. Unless someone else can help shed light on you and your fathers past problems, You really will have to learn to let it go, Try counselling perhaps, or try writing a letter to your dad explaining your anger, sounds silly but this has helped me before, it does not matter you cannot send it, just getting the hurting stuff out helps whether it's via talking or writing. I hope you get some comfort soon.

Answer 4

My dad died in 1994 when I was 15. We had a great relationship.The thing was, although he was in ill-health, my parents didn't tell me about the aneurysm in his heart. It ruptured, and he lived for a week. There were moments of clarity, so I had a chance to say what I had to say.
What I could not say came out later in poetry. I don't know if you are a writer. Even if you aren't a Robert Frost or a Walt Whitman, that isn't what matters...to you or your father.
My suggestion to you is that you write to him (it doesn't have to be poetry), all the things you couldn't say. You could even leave the letter sealed on his headstone (if he was buried). I suggest you do this in handwriting. I feel this would make the communication far more personal than type. You can always make a copy if you want. You have no way of actually knowing if he will be aware of the letter-you are doing it mainly for yourself. Give it a try. I did and it did help.
If your father was cremated, you could leave the letter in a place that was special to you and your dad. You don't have to send the letter, either. You can hang onto it if you prefer, in a keepsake box, scrapbook (thought of assembling one...also might be a good form of therapy), or desk drawer...someplace near you.
I am sorry for your loss.

Answer 5

I had the same problem and I can tell you what I did.

My aunt raised me and her then fiance was molesting me at the ages of 10 & 11. My aunt found out and told me "IF SHE FOUND OUT" that she wouldn't marry him. I guess she never found out cause she married him and he started again years later as I got older. He told her either I go or he goes. I went.

My aunt died 3 years ago and I never go the chance to ask her if she ever believed me because she should have. I never asked her, so I never got an answer or an apology.

What I did to help me was:
1. Pray about it.
2. Talk to her anyway. You have to let it out, even if no one is there to answer.
3. Realize that they were human too. We all make mistakes and it didn't start with us.
4. Realize that despite it all you are still here, standing strong cause it didn't kill you.
5. Pray again for forgiveness. Forgiveness for yourself and them.

Hope that helps.

Answer 6

Well that same thing happened to me.so i ate a box of cheerios and then threw trhem up.then i went to school and played football at p.e.then i came home and kicked the cat .either way i got over this by eating the cheerios.that a treu story!!!!

Answer 7

you father will not be able to apologize now of course, so you must forgive him and forget thatt it was ever an issue , that is if you want to stop being consumed by anger.

Answer 8

read dr laura's book: bad childhood good life! in the meantime learn to live with what you have/had, a father, rather than drowning in what you want. you dont always get what you want. so move on. life awaits you.

Answer 9

Was your father's death sudden? Or was he ill and dying when you talked to him and couldn't bring the issues up? Answer this for me.

Answer 10

you know i had just such a dilemma. my dad passed on in 1992, and i hadn't spoken to him for years. i danced on the grave, i sure as hell didn't shed any tears. all of the time I've thought about the old boot i refused to say "i forgive you, for being you" one day i said it. now he didn't hear me but still i said it and i meant it. I know and that's whats important.