tell me the funnies joke everrrrrrr?

Answer 1

Chuck norris fell into nucluar waste and the nucluar waste gained super powers!

Answer 2

ok... again


MORON


How do you confuse a moron?
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in one corner!

How did the moron try to kill a bird?
He threw it off a mountain cliff !
(hahaha)
Ways To Annoy People
Name your dog "Dog."
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "eat away your food " !
Speak only in a "robot" voice.
FUNNY DIALOGUES
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
Psychiatrist: I'll deal with you later.
Mother: Mrs. Jokes next door has a new baby.
Daughter: What will she do with her old one?
Camp Counselor: How did you get that horrible swelling on your nose?
Camper: I bent down to smell a brose.
Camp Counselor: There isn't a B in rose.
Camper: There was in this one!
Polly: Why are you eating nickels?
Molly: Because the teacher wants to see some change in me
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I can't remember anything.
Doctor: How long have you had this problem?
Patient: What problem?
Ben: Did you hear about the new dance called the elevator?
Mike: I sure didn't! What's it like?
Ben: It has no steps!
Teacher: Charles, please use "discount" in a sentence.
Charles: Yes, ma'am. "Does discount as a sentence?"
Teacher: Duff, please use the word "window" in a sentence.
Duff: Yes, sir, here goes: "I entered a contest but didn't window."
Billy: Do you write with your right or left hand?
Joel: My left hand.
Billy: Wrong! You write with a pencil
Teacher: Say, you can't sleep in my class.
Student: I could if you didn't talk so loud.
HOW CHILDREN DRIVE THEIR TEACHERS CRAZY !

Mother: What did you learn in school today
Son: How to write
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!
Student: The brain is a wonder full thing
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Student: Because it starts working the second you get up in the morning and never stops until you get asked a question in class!

Teacher: Be sure that you go straight home
Student: I can't, I live just round the corner!

TEACHER :Give me three reasons why the world is round
Pupil : Well my dad says so, my mum says so and you say so !

TEACHER : What is the plural of mouse ?
Pupil :Mice
TEACHER : Good, now what's the plural of baby ?
Pupil : Twins !

TEACHER : What's the longest word in the English language ?
Pupil : Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters !

teacher:Why does history keep repeating itself?
student:Because we weren't listening the first time!

Teacher: Are you good at math?
Pupil: Yes and no
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Yes, I'm no good at math!



Yo momma jokes

Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yo momma so fat shes on both side of the family.
Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread.
Yo momma so short she gotta slam-dunk her bus fare!
Yo momma so old, she older than yo grandma!
Yo Momma so poor I walked into your house and 3 roaches tripped me & tried to take my wallet!
Yo Momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says, "DING!"
Yo mommas teeth are so yellow, traffic slows down when she smiles!
Yo mommas teeth are so yellow, I can't believe its not butter.
yo mama so fat she carry a toaster like a beeper
yo mama so fat when she farted i tried not to laugh but the floor was cracking up
yo mama so stupid she return a puzzle back to the store cause she thought it was broken
Yo momma so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."!!
yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn OFF the surveillence cameras!!!
your mama's so fat, when she walked past the t.v. I missed 3 episodes.
your mama's so dumb, she planted 2 nickels hopin' for a dime

Answer 3

>
>
>
> > George Bush has a heart attack and dies. (yippeeeeeee) Obviously, he
>
> > goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I'm not sure what
to
>
>
> > do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you.
As
>
>
> > you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let some-one
>
> > else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as
>
> > you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll
>
> > even let you decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty
>good,
>
> > so
>
> > he agreed.
>
> >
>
> > The devil opened the first room.
>
> >
>
> > In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of piping hot water. He
kept
>
>
> > diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in
hell.
>
> > No George said. I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I
don't
>
>
> > think I could do that all day long."
>
> >
>
> > The devil led him to the next room.
>
> > In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks.
>
> > All he did was swing the hammer, continuosly. "No!" I've got this
>
> > problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony f all I could
>
> > do was break rocks all day," commented George.
>
> >
>
> > The devil opened a third door.
>
> >
>
> > In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms
staked
>
>
> > over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over
>
> > him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush
looked
>
> > at this in disbelief for a while and finally said :"Yeah, I think I
>
> > can handle this."
>
> >
>
> >
>
> > The devil smiled and said :
>
> > "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"
>

Answer 4

Okay....but you have to read the whole thing !!!

My first time :

The sky was dark , the moon was high
All alone...just her and I
Her hair so soft,her eyes so blue
I just know wat she wanted to do
Her skin so soft,her legs so fine.
I ran my fingers down her spine,
I didnt know how but I tried my best
to put my hand on her breast
I remembered my fear
my heart beating fast
but slowly she spread her legs apart and when she did
it I felt no shame....All at once the white stuff came
At last..its finished...Its all over now....my first time....

MILKING A COW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :p

Answer 5

A man walked into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender said "hey, where'd you get that?" The frog said "it started out as a wart on my as_s."

Answer 6

The Honeymoon And Fishing

A fellow went off on his honeymoon, and after returning meets up with a friend for a beer and conversation.

The friend, being single and a pervert to boot, begins to inquire as to the festivities of the honeymoon.

"So, Bob, big married man, did ya get any while you were out there?" the friend asks.

Bob just shakes his head. "Ah, you know me. I like to fish. So I just fished."

His friend gasps. "You mean you didn't have no sex? C'mon, Bob, tell me at least got a b-l-o-w-j-o-b!"

Bob again shakes his head. "Naw, she had pyorrhea, so I just fished. You know I like to fish."

His friend replies, "Bob, she's your god damn wife! She's gotta give it up when you say! You should just made her do it!"

Bob replies, "Nah, she had gonorrhea, and you know me. I like to fish, so I just fished."

His friend, now quite upset, says, "What?! Why didn't ya just pork it up her a-s-s?"

"Well," says Bob, "she had diarrhea...and you know me, I like to fish. So I just fished."

His friend, totally exasperated by this point, shouts at him, "Jesus! Why'd you marry this sick b-i-t-c-h anyway?!"

Bob replies, "Well, she's got worms, and you know how I like to fish..."

Answer 7

Why was six afraid of seven?

because seven eight nine

Answer 8

chuck norris can win a game of connect FOUR... in three moves

Answer 9

I caught my girlfriend masterbating, I told her it would make her go blind...She said " I'MMMM OVERRRR HERRRRE, SILLY


69= 8 something?!

Answer 10

Spaghetti
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
------------------------------...
The Good Napkins

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions."

Now fast forward a few months .... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"
------------------------------...
A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
passes a
little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using
numbers,
represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds
to draw
three trees.
What's this?" the boss asks
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the
Jamaican.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use
the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the
picture that
he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
>>The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that
represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to
hire this
Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,
but
represent the number 100."
The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the
picture again
and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you
go. One
hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of
each tree
and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now
you got
dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a
turd,
which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"
------------------------------...
Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.


When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"


So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.


Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.


St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"


The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.


The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.


She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.




St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.



The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"