Today, whilst trying to book our holiday on my boyfriend's laptop I discovered that 2 days ago he had downloaded & watched porn. "Teenage girl being f***** up the a***" was one title that stuck out...plus women with huge breasts with sp**k on them.(I am 32 & small breasted).
I was very upset & went through a range of emotions and I still don't know how I feel about it.
I was unable to hide my upset when he came into the room so I told him what I had found.
He said I was being silly to be upset, that it didn't matter, it didn't do anything for him, he loves me, fancies me etc.
I then realised that the night he watched this stuff was the same night that he had left my house after I had had a very bad day & was upset. He didn't stay to comfort me or make me feel better, he just left because he couldn't be bothered to deal with it (& I don't blame him really, although it is rare for me to be upset like that).
So, am I being silly? Or do I deserve better?
2006-07-15 02:52:42 · 40 answers · asked by blip 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
I think your second point is the more telling, if he cannot be bothered to stay and comfort, support and hold you after your bad day then this alone would be reason to say GOODBYE GOOD RIDDANCE ...
Surely you dont think THAT is acceptable behaviour from your so called 'partner' ...
2006-07-15 02:59:24 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 11⤊ 4⤋
Are you being silly, or do you deserve better?
Both. And neither.
Porn is like shopping. It's a habit that is very easy for a man to get into, but if the guy has a generally healthy and sociable lifestyle it's pretty compartmentalised and has virtually no impact on the relationships that matter to him.
I have a friend who endlessly downloads porn, burns it on CDs and swaps it amongst friends. His wife knows all about it and occasionally watches it with him. She doesn't care.
Breast size is really not the point. Huge breasted porn images are like wearing drag. You wouldn't wear it all day every day, would you? It's just kitsch.
What happened between you the day you were upset has probably got nothing to do with porn; it's just about communication.
But by all means say what you feel and come to a compromise between the two of you. Forcing him to have secrets isn't a good idea.
2006-07-15 03:01:38 · answer #2 · answered by wild_eep 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
All relationships have this happen and there's nothing unusual about it so there's no need for concern at this point. Tell him that when he does things like that he hurts you and someone who loves you shouldn't hurt you. After that you need to decide where your line is and make sure he knows where it is too in terms of what you think is acceptable and what you think is not acceptable. Make him know that he is not allowed to cross that line and if he does tell him there will be consiquences and then stick to the consiquences if he crosses that line. If you don't stick to the consiquences though then he will continue to do it because he will know that he can get away with it. So let him know how you feel about it and that he is hurting you and lay some ground rules and explain to him why it has to be that way.
For now, everyone deserves a second chance and as it has never come up before he wasn't to know so let it go this time. But the two of you should definitely talk about it and make sure that he understands how you feel and that you won't tollerate it if he does it again.
2006-07-15 03:20:55 · answer #3 · answered by Ben R 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Look, it's no big deal! Ok.
Looking at other people is just what everyone does, don't take it personal, because it's not!
Natural urges, is all it is. If you are concerned so much, then have a lot more sex with him. Wake him up in the morning with a bf, and give him sex when he comes home from work. Put a bigger smile on his face, then he will not have time to look at porn.
Walk over when he online looking at porn, and give him a BJ, he will love you more for this than you can imagine.
Emotions are nothing more than a feeling, which you decide to have, make this a positive thing, not a negative, you can turn it around and make him very happy, along with that, you will become more happy also.
2006-07-15 03:04:08 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like the two of you have a few minor little imperfections... I'm getting the electro9n-microscope fired up right now, and yes, wait a second... I pronounce you as both HUMANS! Yes, you had a bad day. We all do now and then. He looked at some porn. Now, I don't know, it's not my bag personally, but I understand there's a bit of it about on the internet. But understand that it's very often said that men seperate sex from love far more than women do. For many men, there's a biological function, just like using the loo, about them purging their plumbing every so often. It's found to be a major protection against cancer of the testes and the prostrate, neither of which I think you'd want to see your chap suffer with.
You seem at least open to forgive and understand this, in the very asking of it. I think that is your answer.
2006-07-15 03:02:55 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
every guy look and watches porn and to be honest most women do too. Its not that he dont love you or find you attractive its just that everyone needs some alone time to relieve some stress (if you know what i mean) now if he ignores you or makes excuses up so he can go watch porn then thats a problem he's addicted then. My mother always said as long as they are looking at or porn rather a movie or pics and its on the computer then you dont have to worry about them running around because they're too busy on the computer.
2006-07-15 03:04:40 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well for him to leave instead of comfort you was a sign of immaturity. He needs to grow up and be a man, and be there when you need him. As for the porn, if he would rather look at porn than have sex with you, there is a problem, but for just looking at porn is no big deal. He probably did it so he could rub one off because you were upset at the time and he didn't want to "bother". Again, that shows immaturity, because a real man would know that by comforting you, he probably could have enticed you into sex which for me and my girlfriend, always made us feel better.
2006-07-15 02:59:57 · answer #7 · answered by kevsnow00 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I completely understand why a guy watching porn hurts his girlfriend: every girl feels like that if a guy watches porn, she isn't enough to satisfy him. You have every right to be upset. He's going elsewhere for sexual gratification which sends the message to you that there's something missing in your sex life with him.
If you're just in the dating phase, and he's needing porn, that's not a good sign. Also, if he won't stay around to comfort and console you in your time of need, then you're right, you deserve better. If it's a healthy relationship, your feelings and needs should be his first priority. If they're not, I'd suggest moving on. He doesn't really sound like a stand-up sort of guy.
2006-07-15 03:00:47 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yeah dump the guy and spend the rest of your life alone thinking it is wrong for men to lust over women.
Or try watching it with him.
You might want to get some counselling and find out why you have such hang ups about sex. Maybe you have been molested and need deal with your problems. Being insecure is a turn off so chances are he will dump you eventually if you don't relax and deal with YOUR problem.
Free will is something you will encounter with every person on earth so deal with it. Stop being a control freak.
2006-07-15 03:35:30 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Porn can be a harmless outlet for a lot of men. Then again, some men can be addicted. There are perfectly healthy ways of enjoying adult entertainment. Maybe you can find a more "female oriented" adult title, and enjoy it with him? Men enjoy the sights and noises of sex, so pornography plays up to those needs. If you honestly think he has a problem with it, then you two need to face that together, head on. If he is just casually enjoying adult material, then, that may just be something you respect his right to do. It is not that he finds you less desirable, or less sexy. It is not that he loves you any less. It doesn't even cross men's minds as the same set of emotions. They don't link the women they love to porn stars. My husbands adult movies all have little petite blond women, I am a hefty brunette, do I think he finds me less attractive? No. I understand that he loves me, but that these women are just merely there to suit one purpose.......whilst I am his partner for life. Pornography is not a depraved man's escape, merely the average man's fond time killer.
2006-07-15 03:05:58 · answer #10 · answered by outlandsishlady 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're being silly. All of us men have porn on our computers. Guys who say they don't have porn are liars or only have work computers :) I told my girlfriend on the second date that I have porn on mine. I didn't care if she knew. She has asked to see it and I told her "No" because I don't feel comfortable showing it to her. It's common knowledge that all guys masturbate and if we look at women with big breasts and perfect bodies it doesn't mean we don't like who we're currently with. Don't be insecure about his porn by feeling you can't measure up. Remember that you're the one he comes to when he wants sex and if he didn't want you he would leave.
About the leaving instead of comfort you thing...a lot of guys masturbate on a daily basis. He could have downloaded it before he even saw you that day or maybe late at night when he got home.
Now let me ask you a question...you have fantasies right? Us guys are way more visual than women are when it comes to sexuality. You might be able to think of some really hot guy having sex with you while you masturbate, and it's not cheating or wrong. However, if he uses porn to imerse himself in that fantasy it's now wrong for him to do so?
2006-07-15 03:00:25 · answer #11 · answered by TonyDrummond 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋