Anyone got any good jokes?

Question

im bored and i need some cheering up. Has anyone got any good jokes??? :)

Answer 1

man y don't u juss go to google and search

The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful why dosen't it rain on you?

Roses are red, Violents are blue monkeys
like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
not in cage but laughing at you.

When ur life is in darkness pray to God ask him to
free u from darkness and if after you pray and your
still in darkness, please pay your ELECTRICITY BILL !

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your sister.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and
so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To Hell".

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Answer 2

Reasons why chocolate is better than sex

* You can GET chocolate.

* "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

* Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

* You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

* You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.

* You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

* If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.

* Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.

* The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

* You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.

* You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.

* You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

* With chocolate there's no need to fake it.

* Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

* You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

* Good chocolate is easy to find.

* You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

* You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

* When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbours awake.

* With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.

Answer 3

A cruise in the Pacific

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong,the ship sinks,and there were only 3 survivors : Gilligan, the Skipper and Mary Ann. They manage to swim to a tiny desert isle. They live there for a couple of years doing what’s natural for men and women to do…..After several years of casual sex, Mary Ann felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing.
She felt having sex with both Gilligan and the Skipper was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but both Gilligan and the Skipper managed to get through it, and, after awhile nature once more took it’s inevitable course……….
Well,a couple more years went by and Gilligan and the Skipper began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing… So they buried her.

Answer 4

man visits his doctor.
"I think I have a problem, doc," said the
patient. "One of my balls has turned blue."
The doctor examined the man briefly and
concluded the patient would die
if they didn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient,
"How could I let you do
such a thing to me?"
"Do you want to die?", asked the doctor
rhetorically, and the patient
had to agree to have his testicle removed.
But two weeks after the
operation, he came back.
"Doc, I don't know how to say this, but
the other ball has turned
blue too."
Again, the doctor told him that if he
wants to live, his other testicle
must be cut off too. And again, the man
was very reluctant. "Hey, do you
want to die?", asked the doc, and the
patient had to agree to the operation.

But, about two weeks after he is
testicleless, he returned to the
doctor. "I think something is very wrong
with me. My penis is now completely blue."

After briefly examining the patient once
again, the doc gives him the
bad news. If he wants to live, his penis
has to go.

Of course, he did not want to hear about
it. "You really want to
die?", asked the doctor.

"But... how do I pee?"
"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there
will be no problem."
So, the penis is removed and a while after
the operation, the
unfortunate man again returns the doctor's
office. He is very angry.

"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue."
"What?"
"Can you tell me what a hell is happening?"

So, the doctor examined the patient more
carefully this time, and says,
"Hmmmm, I think its the jeans......"

Answer 5

2 Iranians meet at a Starbucks to discuss bombing plans and 1 starts to speak to the other in English. The other quickly says "No no we are in America now, we have to fit in speak Spanish!"

Answer 6

A big elephant would go through the Savannah like he owned it, stomping on anything that got in his way. A colony of ants had had it with the elephant's antics and got together for a meeting to discuss this problem. They had it all sorted out when the elephant decided to go stomping through their colony one day. All the worker ants climbed a big tree and waited for the elephant to come stomping by. The plan was to pounce on the elephant and make him fall down so they could tie up his feet and scare him so he'd never come destroy their colony again. As soon as the elephant made his presence the little ants charged him. The elephant felt something light bother his skin so he shook them all off. All but one ant stayed on him. He held on for his life on the elephants neck, as the rest of the colony cheered on, "Choke him! Choke him!!!"
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A bear was pooping in the forest when he saw a little rabbit hop by. He called the rabbit over and ask him, "Does poop stick to you when you poop?" The rabbit answered, "Nope". So the bear grabbed the bunny and wiped (eww, I know, but it's cute, c'mon lol)
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A plane was crashing to the ground and a lady on board had never been made love to. So she yelled out, "I've never been kissed or made love to. Is there any man in here that'll make me feel like a woman?" One guy got up and started making his way towards her while he unbuttoned his shirt. As he made his way to her he ripped off his shirt and said, "Here, iron this" hehe
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A hitchhiker was waiting at the edge of a road one day. As he looked up a car approached. He didn't notice anybody in the car, but he was hot and thirsty and very tired from walking so he just jumped in the back seat. Suddenly he noticed a gloved hand pop into the car and the car started to move as the gloved hand steered.
"Omg!" he thought,"This car is driven by a ghost with a gloved hand!" As the car approached a bar and stopped the terrified man jumped out and ran into the bar. Two guys walked in a while later and one guy said to the other, "Look, there's that weird guy that jumped in our stalled car as we were pushing it".
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Answer 7

"Congratulations", the doctor said to a mental patient, "you're cured, you just saved a drowning man. Your free to go now. But the man must've had some water go into head because suddenly he hanged himself in the bathroom"

The mental patient replied, "Wow! Thank you doctor. But you know, I was the one who hanged him there. I hanged him there because he was so wet and he needed drying."

Answer 8

A bear and a rabbitt were shitting in the woods. The rabit asks the bear "Do you have problems with **** sticking to your fur?" the bear grabs the rabit by the ears and whipes his *** with the rabit and says "no, do you?"

Answer 9

Okay here we go,,,,,,,,

1. What is height of Secrecy?
Offering blank visiting cards.
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2. What is height of Activelaziness?
Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.
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3. What is height of Laziness?
Adopting a child.
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4. What is height of Craziness?
Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.
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5. What is height of Forgetfulness?
Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.
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6. What is height of Stupidity?
A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.
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7. What is height of Honesty?
A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.
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8. What is height of Suicide?
A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.
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9. What is height of De-hydration?
A cow giving milk powder.
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Now some different answers

10. What is height of Secrecy?
Not attending your own marriage
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11. What is height of Activelaziness?
hiring somebody for your own morning walk !!!!
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12. What is height of Laziness?
adopting another child !!!!
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13. What is height of Craziness?
Trying to do blowwjob to a enuch
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14. What is height of Forgetfulness?
Going out from own house in the morning and getting back to neighbour's house.
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15. What is height of Stupidity?
Going to swim without underwear

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Answer 10

I think you are a joke enough yourself