I have a 5 year old son that is hard to discipline....?

Question

If he gets in trouble no discipline is working, he gets spankings he gets grounded he gets no toys no tv no desert after dinner has to clean the bathroom and pick up dog poop out side, has to stay in his room and be completly miserable, but it doesn't seem to phase him, he still laughs at you and act like it's no problem all of the punishment he has had and he still continues to mis-behave and cause trouble at day care and at home, he is a very smart child and the first to show affection I just don't understand the bad behavior and how to correct it.

My mother said to make a chart and give him stars for good behavior and at the end of the day some kind of prize for good behavior.

Anyone have any other ideas?

Answer 1

I am goin to suggest reading the book Your Defiant Child by Russell A Barkley, PhD...It helped us with our son and some really good tips on how to start charts and award systems..

Never use real money. We went to the dollar store and bought fake money. Every time our son did something we asked him to do without having to ask again and again he got 25 cents. When he did his chores he got money(fake money). With this money we set up a chart to watch 30 minutes of TV he had to pay such and such money. We also bought a timer. Everything he takes for granted from watching TV, playin on the gameboy,playstation,computer to goin to his favorute place to eat. We even gave him a goal to save for..$50 to go to Chuckie cheese(a kids play place). This awards the good behaver, now for the bad have a time out chair away from everything but make sure it is somewhere he can still see what he is missing out on..BE FIRM!! He is five he sits there for 5 minutes QUIERLY...Every time he gets up or talks time starts over...when he misbehaves take him to the chair calmly tell him he goin to sit there for 5 minutes quietly because he didn't listen...walk away and if he gets up put him back in the chair without saying a word
It is hard..TRUST ME!! The first time we tried this we were in the time out for 1hr before a full 5 minutes of quietness actually happened.
It has helped us a lot!! The book is a great book and has taught me alot about me as a parent and with a child who is defiant..it's not a bad thing but can be we as parents have to teahc them the positive side...Good luck and if you need more info please send me a messege at my blog 360

Answer 2

Is he getting enough love and positive attention? It seems that he may be angry about something and is acting out. Are there any new changes (move, new school, baby, family issues)? If so, give him lots of extra support. Take time everyday to show your love. Play a game with him, read him a story. Show him that you “see” him.

Try and use logical consequences whenever possible. Taking away a toy or privileges when your son misbehaves are not logical consequences. When the consequence is not logical, it makes no sense to the child and they continue to act out. Taking away a toy if he throws it or is destructive with it is logical. These are some other examples of logical consequences. If he makes a mess, he cleans it. If he breaks a toy, it goes in the trash. If he damages something in the home, money comes out of his piggy bank or he earns money doing things around the house to pay for the damages. Let the punishment fit the crime.

Another technique you can try when he is misbehaving is this. As soon as he misbehaves, get down to his level and say "I don't like when you (explain what and why)." Take him gently by the hand and put him in a spot in your home (his room, the couch.) Say "When you're ready to (listen, stop, behave) then you can come back with me." This is not a time out because you are not giving a time limit (you controlling him). He returns when he's ready to control himself. You may have to take him back to the spots a few times before he gets the message. Thank him when he behaves. Keep it up!

Find ways to help him learn to express himself. Say things like "I can tell that you are (upset, angry, mad, hurt, frustrated). What can we do about that?" A little empathy goes a long way.

Notice him when he is not misbehaving. Say things like "You worked on that for a long time! Look how high you can climb! You used so many colors on that picture!" These phrases are great confidence builders. These are intrinsic motivators rather than extrinsic rewards ("Good job," stickers, candy). Extrinsic rewards do not work to change behavior.

Set limits, follow through, and offer choices, not chances. "No" should mean "No" the first time you say it. Say "Yes" as much as possible. Smile with him. Be patient and consistent. Good luck!

Answer 3

The most important thing, which is the hardest to do, is to help your son continue to feel loved while you help him with his behavior. Try to pick time every day (bedtime?) where you share affection and talk about the day. In order to find out what's going on, you're going to have to be a fabulous listener, and that will take time, and lot of alone moments with him.

In the meantime, here is a suggestion I got from a really great teacher. This teacher, when he wants the children to do the math problems on page 63, doesn't write "Problems 1-20, Page 63" on the board. He writes, "Page 63, # 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20." Then if the whole class starts working studiously and quietly, the teacher quietly steps to the board and erases #20. Ooh--the class just earned a reward! If they keep going, he'll keep erasing--reinforcing the behavior he wanted in the first place. Can you find ways to do the same with your son?

The other idea is the difference between praise and encouragement. They sound like the same thing on the surface--but praise is all about, "Your behavior makes me happy." Encouragement is all about, "Did that make you feel good inside?" So, when your son does good things, say things like, "Wow, that was a nice thing you did--how did that make you feel?" Hopefully, it felt good to him! It works in reverse, too--"Boy, sweetie, what you did hurt your Grandma's feelings. How did it make you feel?" Hopefully, he'll not feel good about his hurtful action.

Another question to consider is whether or not your expectations of him are appropriate at 5. If he's hitting other children and biting, is cleaning the bathroom going to correct the behavior? If his misbehavior is failing to do chores, how many are you having him do?

Right now, your son might be acting for attention, instead of listening to his own heart. Yes, you'll need to continue to find ways to develop discipline, but remember that discipline is NOT the same as punishment. The root of discipline is disciple--follower. You're trying to develop his ability to follow the correct path in life. Reduce or eliminate the attention he gets for misbehavior and focus on his goodness--it will make everyone feel better.

Answer 4

I have a son about to be five in two months and I feel your pain.

It seems you are at the end of your rope. I would take away everything that is in your son's room and leave him with nothing but his bed and his clothes. Tell him you're starting over and he will have to earn back his toys and stick with it. Don't give in if he cries or whines until you just want him to shut up. Your mom's idea is a good one and I have seen a similar idea used on TV and it worked. But don't go rewarding him for every little thing he does. At the end of everyday go over his behavior for the day and if he was good tell him you are proud of him and let him pick out one of his toys. Explain that if he wants to keep it he has to keep up the good behavior.

You could try giving him little tasks when he is home to make him feel important. My son likes to windex and dust...don't ask, lol. If you keep his little mind busy he may be less likely to act up and will be proud of himself for earning back his toys. Keeping him busy might be the best thing to do.

I hope this helps. You might also want to search online for things to help. I have been hearing a radio commercial for some guy who has tapes out that will help within the first 5 minutes... If I find it I will add to this answer.

Answer 5

Your mother has offered some useful advice. I would suggest a change of tactics. Move away from the punishments that tend to build resentments between parent and child. Move toward reinforcing his good behavior. Let him know when he is behaving and how much you appreciate it. A little bit of this goes along way (as difficult as it is to do).

Secondly, here's the tough news, find a way to get him out of day care. He may be acting up to get more of your attention. This may mean going back to one income and making financial sacrifices. This is a lot easier said than done. But you asked.

Answer 6

I have twin brothers that are going to be turning 6 at the beginning of August. It may seem cruel, but what I started making both the twins, and our ten year old brother do is pushups. It won't hurt them. Our family is opposed to physical punishment as in spanking, but the push-ups seemed to work from quite some time. The ten year old and one of the twins absolutely hate doing them while the other twin loves em and we're trying to find other punishment for him. We give the boys one warning each and after that, it's however many push-ups as they are old. They used to get two warnings, but they started having fun with that because they get away with more. That's just one suggestion, but you'll have to teach your son how to do them which will help him for gym in school.

Answer 7

I don't know if you watch the super nanny but she does have some good ideas. The chart seems like one of them but also try explaining to him his wrongs at his eye level. I also have a five year old that was very defiant and even reverse pchycology didn't work. But I started explaining everything to him, every little thing good and bad and it seems to be working some of the time. I aslo started letting him watch movies like Pinoccho(he likes to lie) and just other movies that teach morals and less of the ones where the cartoon characters just run a muck. Good luck and if you figure it out HELP ME!!!

Answer 8

i would do what your mom said or try to take one day out of the week and spend some time with him maybe he's acting like that to try to get some attention. thats the way i tryed to get my attention

Answer 9

Good idea to your mom. Try showering him with positive attention and ignoring the bad.

Answer 10

Sounds like he's acting out. Does he have much one on one time with you. Time where you actually get down and play with him, read to him, stuff like that? It is so important.