Could my sister's BF be abusing her?

Question

My sis is very scared of him. She listens to everything he says, doesnt go to work if he tells her not to,& whenever they fight he usually wins & she ends up crying.

Just recently i had a talk with my sis & she told me that she felt like dumping her BF. i agreed with her because i seriously dont like him & get a weird vibe from him. But as soon as her BF walked into the room, she went back to acting like his ***** & doing watever the ***** he tells her to.

our younger brother over heard my conversation with my sis regarding her BF & he told my sister's BF. he got upset & confronted her yelling & saying that if she has a problem say it 2 his face & not behind his back with me.

then my sister turned into a chicken & said it was I who was talking her into dumping him!! which was not true. he got pissed at me but im not a chicken like her & gave him a piece of my mind.

im starting to get the feeling that he may be abusing her verbally if not physically...

what do u think???

Uncle John, r u serious???

Answer 1

The bottom line is that if your sister is not in a relationship which benefits her as much as it benefits her bf, she is not in a good relationship. The fact that she is afraid of her bf indicates a very unhealthy and dangerous relationship - one she should leave YESTERDAY!!!

In a healthy relationship, both parties strive to compliment each other's lives - not inflict fear and force their way on their partner. Her bf sounds like he is abusive and love never exists in an abusive relationship. If he loved her - he would show love - not abuse. She is convenient to him because she allows him to use and abuse he. He is sick and he needs help.

Your sister does not love her bf either. She might think that she does but she is actually addicted to him. Does it really make sense that anybody's ideal mate is a man or woman who abuses them, scares them and rules their life?

As for your younger brother, he needs to understand how dangerous abusive relationships can be. He needs to understand how it can escalate to the point where his sister might end up either in the hospital or the morgue!

Abuse is abuse whether it is sexual, physical, emotional, verbal or mental.

If her bf truly does not intend to be abusive then they need to communicate with each other and seek counselors if necessary. It does sound abusive to me.

PS. In response to Uncle John's reply - that is total BS! If he really needs to "train" her then he is in the wrong relationship and she is clearly not the right partner for him. You do not "train" your mates. You find people who are compatible with you and who will compliment your life.

Answer 2

Yes. That is insidious abuse.

She may know that but not completely comprehend it.
It would be a big help, and very sisterly thing to do, to collect information about abuse and its cycles. Don't let her keep them at home so there is no chance of him finding it.

She needs education, support, resources. Make sure she always has with her the number to an abuse hot-line and know where to go in an emergency.

It may not be that serious now. This is when some counseling or therapy could help her regain her sense of self and inner strength that is being tromped on every day.

Your brother did something that put his sister in danger. Why would he do that?? He needs to learn about what abuse is and to be on his sisters side and not add to trouble. How about the three of you siblings go together to an abuse center, clinic, counselor, library, whatever to get understanding and get on the same page. If sis is too scared , you and bro together would be great.

Answer 3

If you feel that he is abusing her there is something there that is saying yes he is. She is not going to break with him until it is too late. Also, some abusers tell the person they are abusing that they will kill the family members if she doesn't go along with him. If he threatens you - you can call the police and file a report on him. If you see him hit her, again you can call the police and file a report. If police are called to a domestic violence (in a lot of states) they have to make an arrest. Especially if they can see marks on someone. The most you can do right now is be there for your sister when she needs you. If she really wants to get away from him and he is abusing her, she needs to get documented proof (pictures of any injuries - hospital records of any injuries) She needs to file a report with the police. She then needs to get a restraining order to keep him away from her. Good Luck.

Answer 4

This creep needs to leave,as soon as possible. He isn't doing anything for your sister. You,can see the real him. She,needs all the family support that she can. Restraining order is a good place to start at. Tell your parents,now. No body should be made as a slave. Who in the hell does he think that he is. Sure isn't a MAN. A true man doesn't degrade females or the human race. He needs help. She is being broken down day to day,and the sooner that you help her get rid of this low life the better. Good Luck to you and your sister,be careful with this loose cannon. She will find a wonderful person in her lifetime. Please get away from this creep. Don't call,answer the door etc...distance distance distance. Good Luck

Answer 5

Yes .....and it sounds like maybe she has been in abusive relationships before ...and whatever she has been through previous to this relationship has instilled so much fear in her that she is beyond submissive...and has no self esteem or strength. She needs to seek out a battered women's shelter, police reports and follow that with a restraining order. Talk to her and let her know that she can come to you or your mom and dad for anything if she needs help getting and staying out of this situation. You need to talk to your younger brother and help him realize who his family is ...blood is thicker than water....and ol'boy is nothing but contaminated H2o.....he should not be a traitor and tell her hopefully soon ex-boyfriend ANYTHING that is being said or done. Help her as much as you can ......but first and foremost make sure that getting rid of him is definitely what she wants to do . Oh, by the way let her know that lying to her boyfriend and putting her stuff off on you isn't the way to go....she needs to be woman enough to at least take responsibility for her own actions....no matter what the consequences may be ...passing the buck gets a person nowhere........karma is a mutha' and EVERYTHING comes back whether its good or bad .....feel me on that !

Answer 6

If he hasn't reached the point of being physically or verbally abusive, he certainly has the potential.

Tell your sister that you are not asking her to leave him but that you are concerned about her safety. Make an agreement with her that if things do get abusive, she'll have a plan of action on what she is going to do about it (call the cops, call you to spend the nite at her house etc). Hopefully she'll agree that if he does become abusive she would be better off leaving him for good.

Answer 7

Maybe she's too strong willed and defiant and he's just training her, which requires disciplining. He might be abusing her, but I don't think so. If all he's doing is shouting at her and spanking her, don't worry about it. IF she's listening to everything he says, that's good. Some girls never listen. If he's being abusive, it's verbally. Only an older man would train a girl friend.

Answer 8

He gots right were he wants her, eating of his hand. It's a shame but if you already spoke to her about it, there really isn't much you can do. Just be there when she needs you but even then it would be questionable because if she ganna make you a part of the drama. I don't know??? I know those things can be complicated and in the end you are the only thats going to look like the bad guy.

Answer 9

You're not scared of someone unless they're some kind of threat. Threatening your partner is abusive. Worse, he moved to isolate her from her family support (you). That's right out of Domestic Violence 101. FYI--the most dangerous period in an abusive relationship is immediately AFTER a breakup. When lesser means prove ineffective in controlling the victim, the abuser escalates the violence to regain control. Don't rule out violence toward yourself either.

Answer 10

It sounds like he's being very domineering and abusive. You can't rescue your sister; she has to decide for herself what she wants from her life. But you can be a support for her if she decides to leave him - make sure that she knows that you will do that for her, that she's not alone.

And then watch out, because the boyfriend's next step will be to try and isolate her from her family and friends so that she will feel she has no option.

Best wishes and God bless.