make me laugh?

Answer 1

A man and woman were dating and he asked her to marry him. She told him to prove his love to her she wanted him to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. When it was erect is said Wendy and when it was limp it said “Wy”. They got married and went to Jamaica to a nude beach for their honeymoon. Wendy told her husband to go get them a drink so he went to a stand on the beach and noticed the man who was waiting on him also has a “Wy” on his penis. He said oh you must have a wife named Wendy too and the waiter said no mine says “Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day!!!”



A little boy and his father are at the zoo when the little boy sees two lions having sex.
"What are the lions doing?" He asks his father.
"Baking a cake."
Later that afternoon, the little boy and his mom are walking in the park, and they see two dogs having sex.
"What are the doggies doing?" He asks.
"Baking a cake."
That night, the boy catches his parents having sex downstairs on the couch. He says nothing, and goes back to bed. In the morning, during breakfast, the little boy looks at his parents and says,
"I know what you were doing last night, you were baking a cake. And when you were finished, I licked the icing up off the couch!"


An old couple celebrate their 60th anniversary and a week later the husband drops dead. One enquiring mourner at the funeral asks the wife how the husband died, to which she replied "Well, when my husband was alive we used to make love every Sunday to the rhythm of the church bells. In with the dings and out with the dongs"
To which the mourner replies "Well, I mean no offence, but you are both old,no wonder that killed him" The old woman snaps back at him, "What are you talking about! If that ice-cream van hadn't gone past he'd still be with us now!"


Little Johnny was always cursing at school. One day the teacher asked the class, " Can someone tell me something that starts with the letter A? Little Johnny pipes up"Asshole". She scolds Johnny and asks" The letter B? Johnny sticks his hand up and says" Bastard". The teacher repeats the question all the way to the letter R, of course not allowing Johnny to answer. At R Johnny jumps up again, raises his hand. The teacher hesitates, trying to think of swear words beginning with the letter R and finally gives up. OK, Johnny she says, go ahead. Johnny proudly proclaims, Rat, A big fu**ing rat about this big. i thaught of darron



Bush and Cheney were out walking when they came upon a dog cleaning himself. Bush looked down at the dog and told Cheney " I wish I could do that, and Cheney replied, Do you want me to hold the dog for you " !


A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?" The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?" Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct."

Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?" The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!" The priest smiled and said, "That's right."


A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"

Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"


A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer while pulling out a bottle and a paper bag from his coat pocket. The bartender thinks nothing of it and continues to work.
After about 2 hours the bartender finally gets curious and asks the patron what's up with the bottle and bag. Without a word he reaches into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano and a foot tall man, who begins to pound out some R&B. The bartender is baffled and asks how he got it. The patron begins to tell the bartender that he was going thru the back alley and slipped on the bottle fell and hit his head. When he came to there was a genie waiting for him to make a wish.
The bartender was a little skeptic but had never seen a foot tall guy play a piano. So the bartender grab the bottle and rubbed it and released the genie before the patron could stop him. The genie pop out and asked him what his wish was, and the bartender immediatly spat out "I want 10 million bucks!". 'Poof' the genie was gone and all a sudden 10 million ducks pour into the bar.
Understandably the bartender got pissed and was about to punch the patron untill he said "Dude, do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch "pianist"?"

Answer 2

Where Is God?

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.

So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer.

So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"


The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

Answer 3

A young man took a blind date to an amusement park.

They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

"What would you like to do next?" he asked.

"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"Wousy!" said the girl.

Answer 4

I was ROFL after reading this wonderful joke sent in by VR:

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER’S *** SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER’S *** OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER’S ***. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS *** FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

Answer 5

true story, me and my pal were in a unicycle tournament, there we were doing some sweet vert jumps and what not on these little cycles, and my buddy jumps up to do a backflip and he flew off of his tricycle, he launched so far up into the air that the judge thought this was part of the routine, he awarded him a perfect score, and as he hit the floor, he landed on his pancreas, the crowd was cheering as his head was hemoraging, and i seen this all happening so i did a wheelie on my fallen comrade, i did some nice 360s and i finished her off with a flying seat grab into a tail whip, then i stood up on my seat as i was still the air and did a backflip off of my unicycle and landed it, i was so happy that i forgot to stop and slammed right into a marching band, coincidence, i think not!!

Answer 6

The French eat a lot of fat, and they suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans or the British.

The Japanese eat very little fat, and they suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans or the British.

The Italians drink a lot of red wine, and they, too, suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans or the British.

Conclusion: It doesn't matter what you eat or drink. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!

Answer 7

Q: What does JC Penny's and Michael Jackson have in common
A: little boys pants half off
LOL

Answer 8

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
The interrupting Cow!
The interru..Mooooo!

Know who Alexander Gram Polaski was?
The first telephone Poll.

Answer 9

a blonde joke (which, if you are blonde, take no offense to this joke cuz im one too)
So there were these three girls going out for vaca or something to backpack around africa. one was blonde, one was a redhead, and one was a brunette. they ran into a tribe and the tribe was gonna take each of them out one at a time and kill them. first was the brunnete. they took her to the middle of the field and counted, "1.....2......"-
"TORNADO!!!!!!!!!!!" the brunette screamed and everybody dunked and and she got away. the redhead decided to do the same thing.
"1.........2........."-
"HURRICANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
and everybody dunked and she got away. the blonde sitting there decided to do fake a natural disaster just as her two friends had.
"1........2........."-
"FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and well, you get the idea.

Answer 10

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

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Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for

pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

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The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times

its own weight and always falls over on its right side when

intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of .... ?)

(Did the government pay for this research??)

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Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez.)

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An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

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Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

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And, the best for last:

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Answer 11

a newlywed couple just got back from their honeymoon....
the man takes off his pants and says to his wife , "here try these on!"
she looks at him and replies," but they wont fit."
he says, "that just shows whos going to be wearing the pants in this house."
the woman pauses for a while, then takes off her panties and throws them at her husband and says, "Put those on."
"But i cant get in them," he replies.
his wife smiles "no and you never will again with an attitude like that!"