Need advice on getting my 3 year old to play independently...?

Question

My little one has never taken to playing independently. She will cling to my leg with every step, move with me from room to room, but will not play by herself. She is very intelligent, and has wonderful toys. she will play if I or someone else plays with her.

Answer 1

Sounds like she just loves you & feels so secure with you that she just doesn't feel the need to venture off on her own. It's evidence of a strong, trusting parent-child bond, and that's good! But it sounds like she also has to learn to feel confident and competent at playing on her own, that it also feels good to get really into a project or a game on one's own.

Does she or did she have strong separation anxiety from you when you leave her with someone else? If so, she might also have gotten the idea that this is the best way to keep track of you, to get attention from you, and prevent you from leaving unannounced.

Try not to pay too much attention to it. Don't scold her or ask her why, because this could make her feel rejected and go to an extreme of either becoming sad & withdrawn or trying even harder for attention and being even more clingy!

When she hangs on your leg, try not to reward her behavior any more than necessary, because this reinforces & encourages it. By "don't reward" I mean don't acknowledge it, don't pat her head, don't scold, don't call attention to it if you can avoid it. Any attention, even negative attention, rewards & encourages the behavior.

Some children -- and adults too! -- are just really social people and define themselves by their interactions with others. Maybe they like other people's ideas better than their own, or doubt themselves in some way. Maybe that's what's up with your little one?

If she will play with you, try gradually withdrawing. Play with her, then when she's really into it, if she starts paying more attention to the toy than to you, stop doing your part of the game. Don't jump right up and leave; stay there, but stop playing & see if she notices. If she keeps playing for a little bit, maybe your presence is enough to reassure her & she'll start playing on her own but with you close by. If this flies, after a few times (stretched over a few days or more!) try moving away, or excusing yourself to the bathroom, or going to get a drink. Just slowly get up & go, and come back in just a few seconds, trying to call as little attention as possible to the fact that you're going or returning. If she notices right away, tell her soothingly "It's ok, I'll be right back, I just need to go get my slippers" or whatever. Then go quick & come right back and say "See? I came right back" so she sees you following through on what you said. In the meantime, while you're doing this gradual withdrawing thing, you're also trying not to pay too much attention when she's clinging or following you room to room. Baby steps, little changes at a time, and don't let her see or feel your exasperation or burdened feelings if you have any.

And don't, I mean DO NOT sneak away from her. Don't prolong the separation into long, tearful goodbyes, but don't sneak out on her either, because then she learns that she has to keep a really close eye on you or you'll disappear. It may be hard on you, but in terms of a child's development, it's better to have a few tearful separations, then lots of love & reassurance when you return, than to sneak away.

Another idea for getting her to play on her own might be giving her toys that are like the tools you use in the house -- a toy broom to sweep while you sweep, toy spoons & mixing bowls for her to mix while you cook...then you're doing the same kinds of activities side by side but not actually interacting-playing like when you get down on the floor and play with her face-to-face. Give her smiles & pats & "good job"s when she does those kinds of things -- like sweeping with her broom while you sweep with yours -- so she learns to feel competent. Again, gradually moving away without being sneaky or making her feel rejected, as she learns that you don't have to be RIGHT there in order for her to feel close to you.

If all this fails, ask your pediatrician or family doctor. He or she knows your child better than I do (obviously!) and may have some ideas that specifically fit your child's individual personality, and may see a need or a tendency in your child that they can help you work with.

Good luck & enjoy your daughter. Soon enough, she will be more independent than you want her to be, but I've been where you are and I know that it can be tiring. :-)

Answer 2

Well, don't focus on the toys. If she moves with you from room to room, involve her in whatever you are doing. If you are doing laundry, have her try to match socks. Teach her to fold washcloths. If you are cleaning, give her a rag and teach her to wipe the floor. Teach her to dust (yes, she can do it). Get her a small whisk broom and dust pan and teach her to use it.

If she clings, just gently tell her, "Susie, I don't like it when you hang on my leg."

If you welcome her into your activities, she'll probably be interested for a little while, and then realize that her play is more fun than your work. Then it will be her own decision to play on her own.

Answer 3

Don't try to sneak away from her, just tell her you going to do "......" and you will be right back!

Make her stay in her "playroom" which ever room that is...

Make her have her time.

She will cry and fuss. But that is normal.

Eventually she will find that it is more rewarding to play by herself.

It will take time though. Don't give in either. Be strong.

Good luck!

Answer 4

sometimes it will take for u to continue to be with you.... explain to her that "mommy has things to do" you can make a play area around what u have to do slowly moving her further and further way until u are out of site and she is comfotarble alone...