How do we help my stepson?

Question

My 11 1/2 yr. old step son just came to live with us 6 weeks ago. My husband's ex-wife got tired of dealing with his behavior and told my husband it was his turn. We have had problems with my stepson stealing, both food(snacks, candy, cokes, etc.) and money(the latest was $20.00 from me). He seems to show no remorse or shame, only anger that he got caught. He has a bad habit of contantly asking "Can I have this, Can I have that?" or "Can you buy me this, Can you buy me that?" I know that he is probably just trying to see what he can get out of us, but it is real aggrivating. My husbands ex-wife kept my husband out of his kids lives for about 4 yrs. He fought her for a long time, but eventually gave up when he saw he was getting no where with her and didn't have the finances to keep fighting her. My stepson thinks it was because he was a bad kid. He doesnt want to see the councelor that we are taking him to. Says it is not going to help and that he doesn't need any help.

Home schooling is not an option. I have been in my career for too many years to end it.

Answer 1

just be consistent with him, give him pocket money - so if he wants something he can save up for it himself and use his own money - better still help him get a job - newspaper delivery? teach responsibility. Sounds like he's lashing out - and being pushed around, its no wonder. Punish him when he does soething bad, and always focus on positive behaviour. Get him involved in after school activities, roller skating, swimming, football etc.. to keep him occupied and out of trouble for a bit longer - he'll probably make more friends and be a little easier to control.
Good luck

Answer 2

Prayer works, just ask God for the best method. But here's a word of advice and a short true story from me. My cousin is a correctional officer and works for the boot-camp department. He's always telling mothers and fathers to raise their children while they're young, so him and his crew of officers don't have to raise them when they are grown. I know he's not your biological son, but your husband needs to whip his @$& and make him respect you as an adult. When he starts stealing and being disobedient, then start taking things from him that he like, such as, video games, tv, dvd player, radio, snacks, etc. Get him involved in activities that will have is days full. Leaving him no room for anything reckless. His father should try spending more time with him. That can be one of the reasons he's acting out. Maybe he doesn't feel special in his father's eyes. He may even have a complex about his mother and father's relationship. Where he's never been actually talk to about it and feels a sense of abandonment on his father's part. Now he's living with you and his father maybe that's not what he wants. He may want his mother and father to be together minus you. So someone (preferably his parents) should sit down and talk with him about that and let him know that's not going happen. You and your husband can also start a chart system where he can earn points, which results in him getting some of the things he wants. Because with all the trouble he's causing you shouldn't give in to him without making him earn it. And if all else fells, prayer still works. Just put your heart into your prayers and God will answer everytime. All He wants is for you to call on him.

Answer 3

I have had this problem before. Not with my own child, but the child of a friend that lived with me. The "friend" was gone a lot, and I had to watch this 14 year old boy. He ate me out of house and home, never did his chores, and stole things from my room. He always told his father he didn't do it. Even when it was plain to see he was the only one who could have. So to keep him out of the snacks I simply quit buying them. There were none in the house. I bough healthy foods that took time to prepare. Nothing that he could just pop into the microwave and gobble up when ever he felt. If he didn't do every single chore he didn't get any allowance. All he had to do was clean his bathroom, load the dish washer, and take the trash out. That's all. And I put a password on the computer, and unplugged the phone at 9:00 p.m. This all may sound harsh, but he thought he could do what ever he wanted, and have what ever he wanted all the time. You have to let them know who runs things. He may be used to his mother letting him get away with things all the time. Now you guys don't put up with it and he's mad about it.

Answer 4

My husband and I were in a very similar situation with my 2 stepsons. They were 5 and 6 yrs. old when they came to live with us and already uncontrollable. Basically what we did was let them know how we expected them to behave, what the rules were and what the reward/consequeces were for following/breaking the rules. We had to be consistent and follow through with everything. It took a long time but they finally settled down and learned that following the rules was the best choice and that we love them no matter what. We've had to use some scare tactics, such as a lecture from a police officer, but it worked for us. You have a tough road ahead of you but don't give up. Your stepson needs you to be strong and consistent. Good luck to you and your family!

Answer 5

i have a 13 y/o who lives with his father and step mom (his choice) they bribed him enough to finally go live there with the understanding all he has to do is say i wanna go back to my moms and he can ..... well he wants to come back and when he say so they get mad at him and he reacts .. so im telling you this why my son and i had a talk one night and he is very confused and angry about lots of diff things he also went to counsling as he said it didnt do no good for him so u can try this if u would like for the stealing try an allowance for the stealling snacks if its from a store keep the little goodies in the house but have limits on them as far as the counsling he might b right it might not b working for him u and ur hubby need to find out whats going on with him on the inside sit and talk look at his side of things ( there is a break up between parents which probally wasnt explained why it happend , and now his mom ships him off he is 11 and knows why he had to go live with his dad he probally right now feels not wanted and figures well after awhile my dad will ship me off too he needs to nderstand he is safe and that u two will do anything to help him just try talking and listing to him and his thoughts calmly b4 talking though think about what he has been through the stealing and eating migh just b a way to relive stress anger and whatever else hope it works good luck

Answer 6

It's not strange 4 a child 2 act out when their parents r seperated. He feels as though it's his fault b'cuz u did say he thinks that y his dad gave up his fight. U need 2 reassure him of his dad's love 4 him. Let him know that both of u don't c him as a bad boy. U should punish his bad behaviour but still try 2 kill him with love. Try 2 get him into some kind of extra-curricular activities like sports of something 2 take his mind off of doing bad things.

Hope this helped. Good Luck & Stay Strong.

Answer 7

Start by trying to see what is really bothering him. If at 11 I was bounced between homes with the knowledge that it was as a result of myself being a bother, then why would I have any sense of self worth or respect for my surroundings. Children at this age are going through stressful situations even when there home life is ideal. He needs guidance and most importantly love. Sometimes our careers and other interests must take a back seat to ones in need. I encourage you to think back on how it felt to be a kid, and that particular moment in your adolescence when that world crashed in on you, who helped you pick up the pieces?

Answer 8

As you know, he is trying to see what the boundaries and rules are in your family. He might be used to a different set of rules, and may not think he is stealing when he's helping himself to snacks, or even money.
Have a sit-down with your husband first, and actually write down what rules you want to set for the house, and also what expectations you have of your step-son's behavior. Also agree on what consequences you will be willing to enforce if he breaks the rules. Be specific, and be prepared to follow through. Sounds like you don't have other kids, so it might be confusing for him what the rules are for him vs. for the adults in the household.
Then have a family meeting, and lay it out for him. Again, be specific. You do not need to justify yourselves, just be reasonable and above all, be prepared to follow through. Make sure he knows this is a necessity for the household to become a better-functioning unit, which also will make time and energy for everyone to do fun things together like go to the movies, go fishing, bake cookies, play boardgames, whatever (but be specific to what you guys like to do for fun together).
Be the grown-ups. Take on the responsibility fully. You, the parents, have the ability to guide this young man.
The prize is fun family togetherness, and a bright future for you step-son. Keep your eye on the prize.

Answer 9

When kids act out, they aren't doing it to act out. They are trying to get something. Most of the time it is simply your attention. Find something he is passionate about & try to spend time with him. Throw baseball with him. Wrestle with him. Maybe he is upset about something at school. I don't know what your particular situation is but I would sit & talk to him. He is old enough to sit down on the couch with you & have a conversation about all of this. Kids also need bounderies & stability every single day. The fact that he was kept from his father for so long has hurt him, I'm sure.
The biggest thing here is he needs to learn to express his feelings in a healthy way. So you need to insist that he keeps talking to the counselor. If not then maybe an uncle/older cousin can take him out for the day for a "guys day out". Maybe that one-on-one time will allow him to feel like he is safe to express how he really feels. Im sure he is hurt & confused. Best of luck to you.

Answer 10

He defiantly needs a third party to explain everything to him. Instead of buying things for him, play games with him, go to the movies together, in general take time to just be with him as a family. This little boy needs stability more than anything and a lot of love. Hug him and tell him something special about him everyday. Find out what his interest are and help him get them achieved. Take him swimming and to the park so he can meet other kids his age, he is in a new situation be patient.