Know any jokes?

Question

Does anyone know any funny jokes?

Answer 1

Two muffins are sitting in an oven...one muffin turns to the other and say "hey is it hot in here or is it just me?" The other muffin turns to the other and says "HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!!"

Answer 2

Cheaper Sex

A couple, both 67, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it.

When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He then charged them $32.

This happened several weeks in a row.

The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems other than the lack of vigor, which is to be expected in 67 year-olds, get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicaid".

Answer 3

A blonde walks into the sheriff's office to try to become the new deputy. The sheriff says that he'll have to ask her a few questions. She says ok. The first question he asked was, "What's 2+2?" She answers 22. The next question was, "What are 2 days of the week that start with the letter T?" She answers Today and Tomorrow. Those weren't the answers that the sheriff was expecting, but they were still correct. The last question was, "Who killed Abe Lincoln?" She thought for a while, the sheriff said for her to come back and tell him tomorrow. When the blonde walked out her friends asked her how it went. She said, "Great! He's already got me working on a murder mystery!"

Answer 4

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.



After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.



The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."



So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.



He proceeded to talk up a storm.



Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:



1 Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.

6 We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

TThe Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9 When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.

1We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

1When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"

1The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.

1The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

1Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Answer 5

there is a man he lives on the 25th floor. he works hard and when he leaves to work he goes down the elevator to the first floor but when he comes home he takes the elevator to the5th then walks the stairs the rest of the way why does he do that after he did work so hard that day?

well the elevator buttons are kinda high and he could only reach his finger to the number 5. he was a midget

Answer 6

My mom knows I'm funny but she always over thinks my jokes. I can tell a basic one like, "Why did the chicken cross the road?", and she'll be like, "Who let the chicken out?".

Answer 7

There are 2 fishes swimming up stream and they encounter a wall blocking their path. 1 fish doesnt notice it and continues swimming and bangs his head into the wall.
what does the fish say?
"dam..." ( or with an "n" at the end...)

Answer 8

so a rabbi, a priest, and a monk walk into a bar and the bartender says "this is a joke right?"

Answer 9

Three couples go out for breakfast. The husband of the first couple says to his wife "Sugar, please pass the sugar."
The husband of the second couple says to his wife "Honey, please pass the honey."
The wife of the third couple asks her husband "Dear, why don't you ever speak to me like that?"
So he say "Okay, please pass the bacon, Pig!"