My two sons cannot get along, what do I do?

Question

Ok I have my son he is 9 yrs. old and my step son that is 14 yrs. old and my step son does not live with us just visits. I treat him like I treat all my other kids. which I think is fair, I am not going to treat him better than my other kids that would just be wrong, so he gets the same treatment and love as all the other children. anyway my son and step son are always arguing and fighting. I didn't see or hear the whole thing but I walked out of the kitchen and my step son told my 9 yr. old I am going to hurt you and than my 9 yr. old said no I am going to hurt you and then my step son pushed my 9 yr. old and then my 9 yr. pushed him back.....meanwhile I am telling them to stop it and go to there rooms........ but anyway and than my step son grabs my son and puts him kind of in a head lock and is kind of choking him so than I start screaming at them to stop trying to pry them apart they are both big boys so that was hard. anyway I go and get my husband and tell him what happened and

he comes out and asks them what is going on and they just look at him like he is stupid and then my husband just walks away and so I go and ask my husband so that is it they can just look at you like you are stupid and you walk away and you don't get to the bottom of this problem, and just leave to me do deal with it? and he replies well what do you want me to do? I told do something because the 14 yr. old needs to grow up and act his age and so does the 9 yr. old and there is no reason they need to act like this anytime ecspecially in front of the other little kids.

what do I do??? I am so sick of these boys fighting. the 14 yr. old doesnt listen to me of course, he has a major attitude problem and so does the 9 yr. old.

please help!!!!!!!

Answer 1

If your husband, cannot and will help to find out what is going on, then the 14 year old will not come back to my house!! Why should you have to deal with that on your own?

BUT................................

What you could try first is:

Take the 14 year old somewhere where you two can talk. Don't be upset at the time. Let him express himself. Maybe there is some sort of jealousy and that really need to be resolved. Listen to him and take it all in. What you may think is fair, may not feel fair to him. There may be some other issues he is dealing with from his own home and he is bringing them to your house.

Talk to your nine year old and find out his side of the story. Once you have heard both sides, talk to your husband about it (hopefully, he will plug in) and then you guys come up with a solution for the kids problems.

Get the boys together and sit them down, have some food they both enjoy eating, that could take away some tension. Tell them together what you have come up with and all of you together should be able to resolve their problem.

Have a family style meeting and perhaps include the smaller children as well, since they see what is going on too.

Communication is key. If the 14 year old cannot get it together after all of that, then perhaps, like I said in the beginning, he should stay home until he feels like inner-acting with the family and the nine year old in a positive way. His father should take him out somewhere and spend one on one time with him. That is probably all he need anyway. A 14 year old boy can go in the wrong direction, if they are not dealt with in a positive way or a stern way, which ever the situation requires. He need some attention from his father!!

If the nine year old is the problem, then I am sure you can control him. You better be able to control a nine year boy or you are in for some really big trouble sooner than you may realize.

Good luck, I hope that helps out.

Answer 2

If this boy is just visiting for short amounts of time, you could treat him like a guest and teach your son to do the same. As for discipline, you can't have any real authority over him, you aren't his mom, and he would resent you for trying to take on that role.
Maybe the stepson is angry, he probably isn't too crazy about visiting the family his dad has replaced him with. He didn't choose any of this. The adults did.
How about getting your own son out of the house when the stepson visits? Let him stay with a friend. That would give you and your husband a chance to spend special time with the your stepson and perhaps build a bond that will help with the other issues.

Answer 3

I think your stepson resents your nine year old because he has your husband full-time and your stepson doesn't. I'm sorry to say that your husband isn't much help. He needs to make the 14 year old understand that the reason he's no longer married to the boy's mother is that they didn't get along; it has nothing to do with him and that while he's not living with him, your husband didn't leave his son.

You're doing the right thing in showing no favoritism, but don't be less disciplinary with your 14 year old, either. He needs to understand that just because he's there part-time, he's no less part of the family, and as part of the family, he is expected to behave as everyone else does.

Maybe the 14 year old and your husband both need some counseling, and at the very least, your husband should be having special times with just one of them at a time, as well as family times.

Answer 4

I think you and your husband need to sit down together and discuss ths situation. You both need to work out a set of rules and consequences for when the rules are broken and you have to stick to the rules. After you both have agreed to the rules and consequences you both have to agree to stick to them. Next bring the two boys to sit with you both and tell them about the new rules etc. They must know the rules include respecting each other, and being fair.At times too both of you go somewhere with the boys either to lunch outside at their favourite place ( they can have turns picking a place- a rule) or for a sports activity etc like bowling. These activities together will help them bond together.

Answer 5

That is a tough situation to be. I would try and sit down with both boys and your husband when things are quiet and everyone seems to be ok...not when there is conflict. I would try and have each boy without the other one interrupting say what bothers him about the other. To see why they fight so much. I sounds like they are trying to pit you and your husband against one another. They know he won't do anything and you are the only one trying to stop them. Also, I would sit them down and tell them what is appropriate and what you expect from both of them. Then give them equal consequenses for their actions. ...............Good Luck!!!

Answer 6

I would suggest makeing them both stay away from each other. Don't let them do anything together, not even eat at the same time. Take all play things away from them. Eventually they will learn to get along or be alone.

Answer 7

Its normal for kids to fight. I would still ground your son, for threatening and fighting, though.
Its not your place to discipline the other one. Withold sex, if your husband wont comply, lol.
And if he still wont comply, just tell both kids, "Ok I guess you need a babysitter, then", and give them both coloring books and force them to color for 2 hours every time they fight. LOL! IT might help them to start talking things out more, at least, hahaha.

Answer 8

BEAR KNUCKLE BOXING.
NO TIME LIMIT. LAST MAN STANDING WINS.