How do I get my mother-in-law to leave my husband & I so we could live together as a proper family?

Question

I moved in with them. I have no control over anything because that has always been her house. And my husband couldn't leave her after his father passed away. I'm fed up. I want us to have a life of our own. I am his wife for God's sake... and we have a son. I feel so helpless... I'm tired of her constant "know it all" advice. I want to bring up my family my way... not her's. I'm 22, been married for a year and have a 5 month old son. Please help...

Answer 1

I know that this will probubly sound crazy to you but having delt with this first hand I know where you are coming from.

First of all you are not living as an improper family, here is what you need to realize. Your mother in law is a real person who is probubly not out to get you. She probubly feels treatened by you and lets face it you are a new mom and she does have some years of wisdom on you. Listen to what she has to say tell her thanks and really listen then if you dont like her idea do it your way
but dont argue over it.

Also try to see this your husbands way it probubly is hard for him to leave her and I don't think you should expect that of his it is his mother and as a mother yourself I dont think you would want you son to do that to you either.

Dont get me wrong you are his wife and you should come first but if it werent for her you would not have him either. Your husband needs to make time for you and your baby, go on walks or for outings and make sure you have your time together.

You have to stand up for yourself don't be disrespectful and leave your husband out of it. Tell her how you feel and try to understand why she is the way she is.

Realize also that aside form yourself and your husband no one else probably loves your son more than she does and deep down she probably has good intentions.

Think of what a valuable asset she could be if you could just find a happy medium.

I know you probubly think all this sounds crazy but I have been where you are and I am 25 so I feel like I am talking to myself about 5 years ago. And five years ago my husband and I did leave after leaving I realized that the results werent what I hoped for my husband wasn't the same and he felt guilty for leaving and if it were my mom I would too. So I decided we should move back although it was a hard decision and I realized I had a lot to give up I decided that for our childrens sake and 20 to 30 years from now it would make a huge diffrence in our lives. So questioning all my sanity we moved back and it only made it harder because then you have to heal the wounds of the fact you left to begin with and these wounds are very slow healing and they still arent completly healed and may never be.
After we maved back we had a baby girl who is just now three and I am glad she has a relationship with her grandma as well as my son.

About two years ago when I was 23 I started to get really sick my mother in law though I was anorexic and sometimes a hypocondriac this was very challenging to me and I never took all she had to say to heart. I learned that I had to trust myself and stand up for myself and how I felt
Eventually i was so sick i could hardly walk let alone take care of my kids. When I was finally diagnosed (i have a rare muscle condition) i was hospitalized for 2 weeks and when I came home I had nurses to take care of me but most of all i had my mother in law who I dont know what I would have done without. She took care of my family and me and through it all I realized that she wasnt out to get me nor did she hate me she really just wanted to help. Your mil probubly feels lost without her husband so she is klinging to her son you need to show her that she has you also.

I am not saying that we never fight or argue she still drives me crazy at times and i have just learned to tell her that we will have to learn to agree to disagree. I have even told her that she is pissing me off a time or two but through all these times she is still there for me no matter what and I know she isnt going anypalce and she knows I am here to stay as well and although this has been a very long time coming and there were times of hell it is better and better.

My mil and I can talk about just about anything we have our friendship that has alot and yet nothing to do with my husband. She goes to Dr appts with me, we go shopping, she tells me I spend to much money, i need to cook more, and although I hera her I smile and nodd and then do my own thing and she usually ends up being right but we all must learn from our own misstakes

i hope this helps
feel free to email me
thefredericks@sentco,net

Answer 2

First, ask this question again and in the additional info part, add how long ago your FIL died, what kind of "know it all" advice you're getting, what your husband has said concerning this dilemma.
ON her advice, this is where you have to have the powers of a negotiator or mediator. When it comes to advice, she may have some good advice, but you may need to gently make it clear that unsolicited advice can be confusing. When she comes up with something you don't agree with, be thankful however state that there are some mistakes you have to make on your own. When it comes to your son, you might state that things have changed and whatever advice she's giving has been found to not be good.

When you talk to your husband, you need to state that marriages are extremely difficult for two people, let alone three. While you love/care about his mother, he needs to understand that this isn't healthy for ANY OF YOU. His mother is going to become dependent on you both for a life and she still has plenty to live. It's unhealthy for the four of you and while it may be easier to go the way you've been going that doesn't mean it's the best way. She needs to establish herself without relying on the two of you and find herself a new way to fly. You two need to have a marriage, because you don't under someone else's roof. You also may need to be prepared for him to NOT walk away from this and you may need to be prepared to walk away from both of them.

You can suggest a night set aside for his mother to come have dinner or do something as a family one day a week. Try to encourage your husband to get her involved in activities to get her out making friends. She's giving so much advice most likely because she has no idea what to do with herself and thinks she's helping. The problem is that women make boundaries when setting up household and crossing them makes for resentment (stepping on each other's toes) and you don't want this and need to explain this to your hubby.

There's a scripture in the bible that states a man leaves his family to take a wife... and one that is used in marriages: foresaking all others. If you have a Christian background, point these out to him...

Try to do this as gently and carefully as possible while being very direct. Don't do this over-emotionally, as it will have bad results.

Answer 3

I know what the situation is.. Really. It is not a good situation to be in and a very very difficult situation to get out of... or out from under. There are very few avenues that you can take to remedy the situation. but those that exist are:
1)talk to the husband and explain the situation and how it is making you feel.
2) After talking to the husband.. do not threaten divorce but suggest that you, your husband and child move to a house on the other side of the town or even in another city.
3) Explain that you want to have your own life.. a life with you(the husband, child) and make your own decisions about things.
4) If the husband refuses, I think(if it were I) I would move out.. bukt if you do that.. how would you live unless you got a job.

Answer 4

Sounds like you need to talk to your husband and tell him that you are not happy. If he continues to want to take care of his Mother, then you need to tell him that can be done, but that there is no need for you guys to live in the same house as her. If he still continues to fight you on leaving, then just leave with your son. Tell him that this is not how you want your family life to be and you are unhappy and you want to make your own decisions without constant "know it all" advice from an outside party! You are absolutely right....you ARE his wife and you should not have to live like this. Good luck to you, I understand your frustrations.

Answer 5

First of all ... you chose to marry into the situation, knowing what it was, so you went in with eyes open aware of how things were.

Second, it's HER house, so that means that you and your husband would have to be the ones to leave.

Third, in order for that to happen, your husband will have to decide between the two of you, which should be a no-brainer, but since he has already chosen his mother above you, don't hold your breath he will change his mind now.

Talk to him, and tell him you need your own place, with him and your baby, and see if he will act on it. If not, you are stuck with them, or moving out on your own wihtout him.

Answer 6

Well first of all is there something wrong with her?. Why can't she live by herself are the expenses too much for her? If she can handle it just try to convince your husband that you believe it's time to move. Or you can use it to your advantage use her as a sitter and go get a job. Start banking you $$$ and when saved enough just put it on the table you want to buy your house. If questionable by your husband try to explain your ready to move and tell him You Prefer not to be questioned on every thing you do for your child.....and him . Set boundaries and good luck you are definitely going to need it..

Answer 7

You have to move out of her house. It is clear by what you have stated that there is no middle ground you have to save up your money and get a place of your own then she will not be able to tell you anything about what you are doing and if she does you can still do what you want to do. But as long as you are in her house you are at her mercy. She probably wants you to do the same live your life with your family in your own house.

Answer 8

You need to move out of her house if you ever plan to have a life and family of your own. As long as your under her roof, she will have control over just about everything. Men are such *mama's boys* as it is, and if he can't leave her now that he's married...you are gonna have a long rough road of *mother-in-law blues*....pretty much the rest of your married life. I understand that his Dad passed away and your hubby wants to help his Mom out...but he needs to realize he is a grown man, with a wife and son of his own...his priorities *should* have shifted after the marriage.

Answer 9

you moved in
you move out.

you put yourself in a situation you don't like so remove yourself from the situation.

if your husband is your age, no wonder he can't leave mommy. he's not a grown up , yet. neither are you. (pretty obvious to everyone else; sinse you can't figure out a way out the door)

stop feeling helpless right now, young lady.
pack up your belongings, put them in the car (especially if it's in his name) and leave with your son. get a job if you don't already have one, stay with a friend for a couple of weeks till you get on your own two feet.
when he decides he wants his family back he will find a place close to mom's house, not in it. oh, why should he want to pay a mortgage if he can live with mom for free. he's not doing his husbandly duty to you. (again , showing he's not a grown up , yet)

Answer 10

Boy oh Boy, girl you are indeed stuck in a pickle jar! Your husband married you, therefore he should have cut the string to his mother's apron. You need to tell your husband that it is not his duty to provide a future to his mother. It is ok to love her and help her but there should be boundaries set so that it does not interfere with your marriage.

Have you sat down with her and told her that you would appreciate it if she butted out of your personal life? Another question, how does your husband feel about moving out? If he refuses and you both love each other dearly, then my only suggestion to you is to set boundaries and stick to them. You are entitled to your own private space. If mom in law should interefere with it then you need to tell her that if she is not happy with your living arrangements that SHE should evict you.