My wife's 27 year old adult daughter from another relationship still lives with us. What the hell should I do?

Question

She (my wife’s daughter from another relationship) has moved in and out at least 4 times in the past 5 years. About 8 months ago she moved back in with us. She is a high school drop out, is complacent, self-righteous, has zero ambition, no goals, declared bankruptcy at 24, and is a liar. My wife tells me to go easy on her and not push so hard, but I think that’s the reason why her daughter is such a major f*uck up! So my wife and I get into it, and she and her daughter are at a hotel tonight. My wife and I have had issues but I am committed to working through them. But her daughter is another story. She is not my biological daughter. I am trying to motivate her and instill some level of accountability and initiative but all my attempts have failed and create’s resentment from both my wife and her know-it-all daughter. We live a very affluent lifestyle and I am the sole provider. But sometimes I feel that I am taken for granted. I am pretty much at my wits end. What do I do?

Answer 1

Sit your wife down alone. Explain that at 27 this child should be independent and self sufficient. Bailing her out is not the solution. Tell your wife you need to come up with a plan together to get her out of your house and back on her own two feet. Put a time limit on the plan. Together, confront the daughter and explain in no uncertain terms she has XXX amount of time to get her act together because neither of you is going to bail her out any longer. Then stick to it. She needs to sink or swim on her own and begin to figure it out on her own and be responsible for her own actions.

Ask your wife, nicely, if this is how she wants her life...being with her daughter and not you. Going to a hotel for the night is not the solution...it only shows she's chosen her daughter over you and you should explain how that hurts you and your marriage.

Almost sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree. Evidently the daughter had a good teacher in the area of dramatics and manipulating to get your own way. Your wife is currently showing just such an example by leaving for a hotel. Your wife needs to stop the dramatics as well.

Answer 2

Kids still remain kids for lifetime, that doesn't mean parents should give them financial support till they reach 40 years old just cause they are not in mood of working. You did well by telling your wife about this issue and she should understand you and come on your side. Your wife and you won't live forever, what will that girl do once her mom is not there to support her? Become a begger or an alcoholic prostitute? As she has no job and not even a cent. You should explain this to your wife so she should stop being so protective, otherwise her loving daughter will never get a job and socialize with people, doing what rest of the world do: working for a better living. If your wife stays by her daughter's side still, though she sees her daughter has no plan to find a job, I advice you to leave her. She will come back to you when she realizes she was wrong, if not, it's her loss as it's not mandatory for you to work for others who are younger and have a better physical condition to work than you have. Good luck!

Answer 3

Don't push too hard like your wife said, this will only build resentment and anger on all sides and will do no good. I think you are really dwelling too much on the fact that she is not your biological daughter, is that why she seems to be such a major f**k up? Instead maybe try sitting down with your step daughter and getting down to the root of her problem, you will learn so much about people and their behavior when you give them a chance to talk and you listen. Such situations are not easy to handle, more so when you have pretty made up your mind regarding someone's attitude. Talk it out with everyone involved. If you love your wife and want to work out your problems, then consider a different approach to this whole situation, you might have been going at it the wrong way. This is just my opinion, but I certainly do hope it helps resolve your issues. All the best!

Answer 4

Why does it matter if she is not your biological daughter? Would you tolerate those behaviors if she were your biological daughter? If not, then that part is irrelevant. It sounds like your wife is afraid of losing her daughter if she pushes her to take responsibility for her life. That may or may not be true as some offspring feel they are entitled to certain things from their parents beyond the basic food, shelter and clothing. The issue at hand is how much are you willing to sacrifice (e.g. having arguments and/or having your wife gone to a hotel with her daughter) or how much are you will to give up (e.g. separation, divorce). Establish what you are willing to do in this situation and then put a plan in action. If you aren't willing to do anything, then go pull out some guest towels and live with it.

In the meantime, maybe you can find some tips on opening the lines of communication so you and your wife can actually listen to each other and work on effective resolutions when problems arise. http://www.marriagebuilders.com

Answer 5

I can't believe some of these answers. People like your step daughter appall me. I don't think it's appropriate for an adult to live with their parents. I moved in with my fiance when I was 17, a high school graduate, and I'm going to college next year even with having 2 babies of my own. You should sit down and talk to your wife. Talk to her about the situation. Take your stepdaughter job hunting. If she declines, say no this is MY house you are going to get a JOB. Give your step daughter one more chance and if she fails this time, you AND your wife need to let her fail. I know it's your wife's child, but all CHILDREN, even adult children need to be let go of sometime.

Answer 6

I left home at 18. I was determined I was not going to 'bum' off my parents. I wanted independence.

It is your house. Set rules and regulations. If she does not like it then tell her to get her own place where she can set her own rules. She is not a child, she is nearly 30 years old and probably quite capable of fending for herself.

Sooner or later, she will resent the fact that she has to live by a rule book while under your roof and hopefully find a place of her own where she can have a life of her own.

Also, make her look for a job. It doesn't matter how small or how rubbish the pay is, but it will show her that she is capable of doing it and she might start to get a little bit ambitious.

Answer 7

Lots of name calling about your wife's daughter, very inappropriate, wit's end or no.

I don't think a woman who can support herself should be living with her parents. She should be making plans to get out, get an education, and be responsible for herself.

Talk with your wife. See if you can set a goal for the daughter leaving. Her daughter needs help, though I don't mean a handout; she needs counseling and direction, learn how to participate in life.

Your wife's allegiance should be with her husband, but on the other hand, your allegiance should be with your wife.

If you try to motivate the woman in a style like what you write here, it just won't happen. Don't be judgmental, but do be firm.

I pray for you all.

Answer 8

Actually, first of all I think you should respect your step daughter...Second, you knew what you was getting into when you married the woman, so why complain now? (No use crying over spilt milk) Who cares if she is 40 years old and lives with you, that is her mother and sole provider...Ya, she needs a job and such but you cannot kick your own child out of the house....
Take a break on here! You knew what you were marrying...When you married the mother, you accepted the daughter, so get over it!
GOOD LUCK!

Answer 9

Trail her wherever she goes in the house as if an animal in heat.
Visit her room and stare at her just after she steps into bed.
Frighten her all the time by sneaking up on her.
In 30 days she will be out of your live.

Answer 10

My brother had this problem with his step daughter. He bought a house trailer and put her in it. She had a place to live, yet was close enough so her Mom knew she was okay.