A poem I wrote, please help?

Question

Dear All
This poem I wrote for the women I loved so much but it turned out the it was one side love , please advise me should I gave it to her because she will leave the country and I might not seeing her again….. And let me know what did you feel when you read it . I mean did it sound pity, sad, hopeless ……
And please note
English is not my fist language
Eve is refer to her real name
This is my first thing I wrote ever
Here it is

http://poetry.tetto.org/read/31582/

Thanks
Please long reply and advises

Answer 1

naawww bless thats so thoughtfull and sweet just give it too her xx tasha xx

Answer 2

I write poetry myself, and this deviates from my style. Yours tends to be more like a short story, if you ask me. My recommendation is to take it down a notch, more concise. For example:
Eve
I look in to your eyes
Mesmerized
Sexually heightened
Mental enlightment

Just an idea. Take it for what you will. Everyone has their own flair.