Need More Jokes?

Question

I'm a real comedian but am drying up on laughs...need lots more jokes and real fast. Don't care what type just need them fast! First person to make me want to wet myself from laughter wins the 10 points!

Answer 1

Mailman's Last Day

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you."

He said, "F__k him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Answer 2

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to be naughty and have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

Answer 3

There are these 2 blondes. ones a cop an the other is a citizen. well, the blonde cop pulls over the blonde citizen and says "mam I'm gonna have to see your license" the blonde citizen says "whats that?" so the cop tells her that its about as big as a credit card with her picture on it. so after fumbling in her purse the blonde citizen finds a pocket sized mirror.
"i found it!" says the blonde citizen. When she handed the mirror to the cop the cop said "I'm so sorry mam, you should have told me you where a cop!"

Answer 4

Two Army Privates fresh out of boot camp were tasked to dig a ditch on orders from the Colonel. As they dug the ditch in the blazing sun, the Sergeant in charge of them sat under a tree drinking iced tea. One private got out of the hole, threw down his shovel, went to the Sergeant and said, "Hey, Sarge, why are we in this ditch bustin' our hump when you're sittin' in the shade chillin'?" The Sergeant stood up and said " Cuz, Pri'te, I'm smarter than you." The private looked puzzled, so the sergeant put his hand up and said " Punch my hand as hard as you can." The private smiled, reached back as far as he could, and swung with all his might. The sergeant moved his hand and the private's fist connected with the tree. "Now, GET BACK TO DIGGIN'!" The private went back to the hole in pain. "What'd he say, man?", asked the second private. "He said he's smarter than us." "How's that?", asked the second. The first private looked around, then put his hand on his forehead and said "Punch my hand as hard as you can."

Answer 5

Two green recruits found three hand grenades on the road and decided to take them back to the base. “What if one of them explodes?” asked one young private. “No problem,” said his buddy. “We’ll say we only found two.”

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The Japanese eat little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink a lot of red wine and they, too, suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Answer 6

well this may make you laugh but here it goes. there are 4 guys in a bar,a englishman,italian,mexican,and a texan. The englishman drinks his beer,throws up the glass,shoots it and says "we have too many of these in our country". the italian drinks his beer,throws up glass,shoots it and says"we have too many of these in our country".the Texan drinks his beer throws the mexican up and shoots him saying"we have too many of these in our country". »»»I am not a racist just a joke«««

Answer 7

Women r the best Motors! Aceepts any size piston, r self lubricating, start up with a finger, self changes oil every 4 weeks and a full tank lasts 9 months.
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Who is the best goal keeper in World?
Women. No matter in what a way u **** her she could not allow ur balls inside.
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A kiss is: Humanity if its on cheek, love if on lips, passion if on breast, sensuous, if on navel, sex if on vagina, and called customer care if its on ass.
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Newtons 4th law: Every soul in this world has a pole or a hole. When pole goes inside hole, a new soul comes out either with a pole or a hole!
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A lady saw her boss with zip open. She told sir ur garge is open!
Boss - did u see my ferrari? She told no, i saw one old scooter with two punctured tyres.
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What is different between a wife and a swimming pool?
The cost of maintenance is too high compared to the time you spend in them!
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A kid by chance peeps into the parents bedroom is shocked at what he sees. He shouts at his mom, "AND YOU SCOLD ME FOR JUST SUCKING THE THUMB??
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Two girls taking shower together. Ist girl: I have so much hair on my *****, why is your ***** so clean? 2nd girl: Have you ever seen grass on a busy road?!?!
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Friends r like underwear, always comfortable. Goods friends r like condoms, always protect. Great friends r like viagara, they lift u up when u r down.
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A lady sat on my LAPtop, I laid her on my DESKtop, I RAMmed my HARDware into her SOFTware. After lot of INput and OUTput I DOWNLOADED. Now I have a FLOPPY.
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Answer 8

yo mama's so fat she used saturns rings to put it on her pinkie toe.
yo mama's so skiny she used a cherrio as a hoola hoop.

Answer 9

NOT TO BE RACIST!!! What is a mexicans favorite sport? >>>>>>> Cross Country!....lol

Answer 10

The ultimate yo mama joke, it's a song...

Christopher C

Intro:

Yo man, you gotta be... you know
You gotta be on to die, man, what's up with that?
Yo bro-shot
Yeah, word up bro-shot
Uh, we need some brothers to be, uh, like droppin knowledge
and writin good stuff
Ay man, why don't you quit talkin all the stuff and do something about it?
You know what I'm sayin?
Oh, you talking about.. kick some, uh, knowledge...
Yeah, well you do that like right now
... and some wisdom for the people
What's up with that?
OK, I got it

(brothers and sisters)

Verse One: Booty Brown

Ya mom is so fat (how fat is she?)
Ya mama is so big and fat that she can get busy
with twenty-two burritos, but times are rough
I seen her in the back of Taco Bell with handcuffs
The sad fact (what?) ya mama smokes crack (what?)
She got a burning yearning and there's no turning back
Her knuckles drag down to the ground when she walk
Spit comes out that ***** mouth when she talk

Refrain:

Naked on a mountain top, tootin on a flizoot
Ridin on a horse drinking whisky out a bizoot
She's got the wings and teeth of an african bat
Her middle name is Mudbone and on top of all that:

Ya mama got a glass eye with the fish in it (3X)
Ya mama, ya mama, ya mama

Verse Two: Slim Kid Tre

Ya mama look like she's been in the dryer with some rocks
With the big bust nose sucking dirt out of socks
Held up the ice cream truck with a slingshot
She grabbed a bag of Cheese Corn and a soda pop
Ya mama root'n'toot and stole my loot and my suit
She may have the muscles, but no, she's not cute
She's not pretty, oh what a pity, got the glass titty
Filled up with Kool-aid, just for the kiddies

Refrain:

On a cliff butt naked, tootin on a flute
Ridin on a horse drinkin whisky out a boot
She's got the teeth and the wings of an African bat
Her middle name is Mudbone and on top of all that

Ya mama got the wooden legs with real feet (3X)
Ya mama, ya mama, ya mama

Verse Three: Fat Lip

Watch out, I'm thinkin about your mother to a funky beat
I went to your house, and she licked me on the cheek
I said excuse me lady, but I remember seeing you at the Palladiumway back in September
Cause you was beatboxin for Lou Rawls
In some bright red boxer drawers
You said ya moms was pretty and young
But she's old as dirt and got hair on her tongue

Refrain:

Ya moms, ya moms, she uses Brut
And I saw her ridin a horsey drinking whisky out a boot
She's got the wings and teeth of an african bat
Her middle name is Mudbone, and on top of all that

Ya mama's got a peg leg with a kickstand (3X)
Ya mama, ya mama, ya mama

Verse Four: Imani

Awwwwwwww, ya mom is so fat (how fat is she?)
We rode up on her back to get some burgers from Wendy's
and her skates went flat; I got stuck in her butt crack
They thought I was lost but I was caught by the G-strap
Heaven forbid a giant fart would give way
Cause that would blow me round the world in a day
We drove into the drive-in and she didn't have to pay
because we dressed her up to look just like a Chevrolet

Refrain:

Naked on a mountain top tootin on a flizoot
Ridin on a horse, drinkin whisky out a bizoot
With the wings and the teeth of an african bat, ba-aa-aa-at
Her middle name is Mudbone and on top of all that

Ya mama's got an afro, with a chin strap (3X)
Ya mama, ya mama, ya mama

Outro:

Ya mama got snake skin teeth
Ya mama wears coat hangers for earrings , dude she looks like.... hehehe
Ya mama was making sex threats to Ricky Bell and ****
Ya mama jacked the Kool-aid man for a sip, *****
Ya mama was walking down on Sunset with a 99 cent sign on her back
(You're a sellout) ya mama's a sellout ***** ya mama
***** ya mama did a pop tune *****
Ya mama's glasses are so thick she look into a map
and see people wavin at her
Your mother got an Ouija board on her back
Sidney with EQ and everything what he be sayin
His mother be hooked, fishin with a hook and reel at the frozen food section
Tre's mama got Playdough teeth
Ya mother be eatin daisies like Now and Laters and ****
Ya mama's an extra on the Simpsons and ****
Ya mama's so fat you can't even see her legs
it just looks like she's just gliding across the floor...